Flamer Alert

That was close. Just had a flamer buzz the pastry counter at Caribou. Then he ordered coffee with it and took off. He (and I use that term loosely) was the definition of obvious. Pink stretch pants, light jacket, Pompadour black hair and a fluorescent green clutch with a strap. His arms were raised in an effeminate manner, kangaroo like, as he struggled to get money out. He looked and sounded a bit like Fran Drescher.

It's one of those things you see from time to time and wonder what got him to this place in his life. Has he always been more woman than man? Did he create this persona himself or does it seem natural to be as he is? I also find myself wondering if men like this are deliberately making fun of women with their characterizations.

There are many things in the LGBT world that I have never understood and this is probably because of my limited experience. I am so glad I am not like he is. I just want to tell guys like this to man up. They have effectively demasculinized themselves. Women probably laugh at him and straight guys would probably want to beat him up. He was a walking stereotype.

There are many extremes in the LGBT world. There are men and women that over- masculinize in the equal and opposite way that this one over-feminized. It is as if they are in a struggle to desperately identify who they are to themselves since they are not sure.

I can relate a bit to this struggle. It has just never manifested itself in this overt way. I pass really well in the straight world. Unless you know me personally, you would never believe I was gay. I am not butch, but I am masculine; just not in a 'gay' way. When I was a teenager, however, I was into leather for awhile. I loved the smell of it. I still have my rawhide jacket with the fringe reminiscent of Daniel Boone or Davey Crockett. Those guys were real men. As I got older, my leather became more fashionable, but I finally had to ditch it. As styles changed, it began to look gay to me. I never wanted to look like that. Still don't. I have a prejudice against effeminate men that I cannot get rid of. Even so, this is who some of my brothers are and I need to love them.

Now here's a bit of personal weirdness that, in some ways, helps me relate to the flamer of the day here at Caribou.

There is a female cop that comes in here regularly. If she is not the "L" in LGBT, I will turn in my gay card. She is actually kind of attractive to me and I think it's because she is so masculine. She is a short pile of well conditioned muscle from top to bottom. She is flat chested, wears no make up and stands in such a way, that I do believe she could kick my ass without much effort. Almost makes me want to get arrested. If you think about it, she is really trying to attract a woman by looking like a man and it's not working.

Maybe that's what I need; a musclebound lesbian to have my babies (;^). We could get married. She could keep the lawn mowed and the car waxed and I could do the domestic stuff. And and...wait for it...we could both go fishing together. It would be the best of all possible worlds...except...it would just be very weird, especially if I discovered too late that in addition to the usual equipment, she had a penis.

You think I'm kidding? This stuff really happens and there are people just like this. You don't know.

I keep thinking of that song from the 70's that The Kinks sang..."Lola". It's about a transgendered person picking up a unsuspecting young man. There's a line in it that explains the current world situation quite well

       Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola

I do not know how we get to be the way we are. I do not know why there are LGBT people in the world. But we are here. Some of us you can't miss. Others, like me, fly under the radar most of the time and we do it well. Even so, we are here. We are in your churches, in your families, your places of work and at the coffee shop. Please don't hate us even as we try not to hate ourselves and each other.   

Free Indeed

In John 8:31 and 32, Jesus said to His Jewish believers, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Then, in John 8:34-36, in discussions with those that did not believe in Him He said, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. ³⁵ Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. ³⁶ So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

I think that we who believe in Jesus want these things for ourselves. We want to know the truth. We want to be free, to be free from sin and it's penalties, to be free of the guilt and pain associated with not living in the truth. We are tired of being slaves. We want to be part of God's family; His sons and daughters. We long to be "free indeed".  

Many times however, the truth does not set us free. Instead, it makes us angry or guilty or regretful or whatever else you can think of besides free. When Christians are faced with this situation we either change or investigate the matter or tell whoever delivered the "inconvenient truth" that they are wrong.

Let me tell you right now, if whatever it is... is the truth, than you or I or anyone else that holds a contrary view is wrong and we will never be free until we make peace with this truth.

This is why I am longing for a place for people like me to gather in community. For centuries, same sex attracted (SSA) Christian people have hidden in the shadows of the Church. This has no more been our choice than our SSA status. I know that some would like to argue that last point. I will not go there today except to say that you need to get a grasp on "the truth". There are varying degrees of SSA among those that struggle with it. Some of us can make opposite sex marriage work. For others of us, there is no hope of this. This is me in case you're wondering
 .
Many SSA's have married and have opposite sex partners that know of their mate's other desires. Some of have married and never told their opposite sex partners. Either way, this is possible because they love their partners and have at least some sexual desire for them in particular. Still others of us, most of us, have never married because we can't. We do not have a heterosexual bone in our bodies. We may enjoy the company of the opposite sex and spend much of our time with them, but we have no sexual attraction to them. For us, if we are Christian, if we know the truth, we must remain celibate.

What I would like to do is create a meeting place where we SSA types can all get together regularly to discuss our SSA issues. I think we need to bring together the married SSA's with the single celibates and even those SSA Christians that are in 'the life', but want out of it. There is much to discuss. We can help and support each other. We can vent. We can be ourselves. We can share in the struggle and uphold Jesus as our King and our brother.

One might ask, "what about anonymity?" Good question. Y'all may not be out like me. My answer is this. A promise of anonymity to anyone that joins the group. Secrecy of the membership. If you're in the closet, you will only have to crack the door enough to talk to us, whoever 'us' may be. It's true that we may already know you. Your secret will be safe with us until you choose otherwise. Such a group would never have 'outing' as its purpose.

Someone else might ask, "how will you prevent this from becoming a 'hook up' meeting?". Another good and slightly touchy, mildly offensive question. First, we are all Christ followers. We are called either to man/woman marriage or singleness, but nothing else. We all must acknowledge this, even though some of us may be failing. This would, in fact be one of the purposes of the group. Accountability.

I think another major purpose would be to desexualize our relationships with the same sex/gender and especially those we find ourselves attracted to. We need to face facts. Most of us SSA Christian guys do not spend much time with those of our own sex because - ya, you know.  If we think they are hot, we get all embarrassed and and and whatever. If we were not subconsciously or even consciously sexualizing them, this would not happen. What do I mean by 'desexualize'? Here's an excerpt from the YOB website.

"What needs to happen, then, is a desexualization of what is improperly sexual to us. Most of my own sexualization of men was based on a need to be loved and accepted by them, to be one of them; it was a need for intimacy and connection and to see that I was indeed completely man myself."

I think we can defuse some of that. I really do. Even before coming out, I made some straight male friends. It has been the best thing for me. I love these guys, but I am not in love with them. I like to spend time with them, but I do not want to sleep  with them. Why? Because they are my friends and I do not want to do anything to injure that relationship or what we share in Christ.

It can be a beautiful thing can it not?

I am just now beginning to consider all this. If I let my imagination run free with the idea, I can see Christian chapters of SSA Anonymous or something similar springing up in Christian communities everywhere, crossing denominational barriers and national borders.

We need to stop hiding. We love Jesus and we love our brothers and sisters in Christ. We bring so much to the table in terms of talent at church and we need to get free of the obstacles that are holding us back from further creation. We are a creative bunch. God loves us and that's why he saved us. With the help of the Spirit and each other, we can all become much more than what we are in the body of Christ.

As a side note, this will NOT be a place for repairative or conversion  therapy. If you have an interest in such things, it can still be pursued with professionals outside of this proposed group, but it is not something that I believe should fall under the group mission. I have reasons for this that I would discuss with anyone that wanted to talk about it.

So....

Am I the only one that thinks this might be a good idea? Shall we embrace the Truth of who we are and free ourselves from it? Now might be just the time for it.

I can't say that any of this will ever happen. I can't say that I should be the one to do it. I am not what you would call a strong leader. I may not be a leader at all when I stop and think about it. I just want people to be free of fear when they come to Jesus and His church. I want us to be a people that approach God's throne of grace with boldness. I want that for all of us. Church should be a safe place; a no hate zone. This needs to happen in some way shape or form now.

We need to know the Truth so that the Truth can set us free...free indeed.       

  

Longing for a Better Country

It's because I have always felt like a foreigner and alien here and most everywhere I go. I have never felt like one of you, whoever you are. I might work with you or go to the same church with you or you might be part of my family. I probably even love you if I know you, but I feel unconnected from you and every single thing going on around me for reasons I can't really explain.

Then life's spot light moves toward me and everyone is watching. Weird huh?

It's like I've been watching a movie being made. The plot continues to unfold, then I become part of the cast. I have a role to play. It's a rather involved role that I received as a 'walk on' to the movie set. I started interacting with the cast late in life. I am integral to the plot, but the rest of the cast and writers cannot figure out where to put me so I become self directing, writing my own character as the filming proceeds.  Never mind everyone elses role. A new plot line is in the offing that may give rise to a new film.

Suddenly there is interest in what I have to say and in my role in the film. My character tries to interact. He is having a hard time because he is so different from the others.  The producers worry that he will threaten the "G" rated film they are trying to produce, driving the rating to an "R". Nevertheless, my character boldly asserts himself.

We do not deal well with people that do not conform to our preconceived notions of reality or the plots in our particular films. We have problems with where to put these people in our lives. Then when they take a position front and center in our little celluloid lifetime extravaganzas, we just want to find a way to write them out of the plot.

I can remember when I was young, there were very few black people in films and virtually none on television . When they finally did begin appearing with regularity it was as if no one knew where to put them in the white plot scenarios and so the character usually died somewhere in the film.

This is the way it's been for me and my life. Being a same sex attracted Christian in a conservative American church where everyone knows who you are (including the SSA part) is tough. They think I'm interesting, but I do not think they really know what to do with me. It has been an adventure for everyone involved.  I have felt the acceptance of my brothers and sisters. They empathize with my struggles. They support. They love me. But I still feel like an adopted member of their "movie cast".

It's not their fault. I do not blame them. It's me. I can not get shed of how foreign I feel even though I have a place and a role and have been accepted as a costar in their film.

What is it with me?

I think I know what's missing. I know there are others like me at church. Only one has confided in me his truth, his secret, but I know there are others. One of them just came into the coffee shop where I am writing this. I saw him and he saw me but not at the same time. He came in, got his order and walked out. We did not acknowledge each other's presence.

We go to the same damn church (there goes the 'G' rating). It's not a big church. Not a Sunday goes by that we do not actually see each other or walk by each other. Though he's never been to my class, I regularly see him praising the Lord with his talents, but we have never talked. What is up with that? Is this entirely my fault...or does he too feel alien and foreign? Maybe.

Why can't we be who we are? Why can't we talk? Is this my fault? Is it because I am 'out' in our little movie that we do not talk? Is it because you think I might harbor unvirtuous feelings toward you? Look Bud, I am not an old pervert OK?

(Ghog is projecting here. He does this. When he's too scared to talk to someone, he blames the victim and since, I'm Ghog, I'm not sure why I'm talking parenthetically.)

I know that some have this picture of me in their mind as old, boring and conservative. There is some truth in this, but I think most folks still find me at least interesting. I don't know...or maybe I do.

I know that I wrote last week in a negative way about ministry to same sex attracted people. I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong. I do not often say that and since you know that, you are probably listening.

Guys...we are Sons of the Most High. We should not go through this life with this struggle alone. We need to help and support each other as we stand up for our King. We need some community of our own. I think we all have 'stuff ' we need to unload. Tell me I'm wrong about that! You know I'm not. Let's bust some walls down. I think we are just about ready. I've been trying to educate the straight folks at church and condition them to be able to talk about this stuff. We need to talk too.

I do not feel a call to lead a ministry or a small group. I do not want us to segregate ourselves. I do think we have things we can discuss that only we would understand and be able to help each other with. Is that so crazy? Let me leave you with this from Hebrews 11:13-16.
    
¹³ All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. ¹⁴ People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. ¹⁵ If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Lets quit wandering around this desert alone and find our new place to live together in peace with our God. That's all I'm saying.

Does any of this make sense? I hope so. Maybe I need to refine my thought processes. Not sure. I can tell you the Spirit is moving me to do something. I am hoping I don't mess it up. If you are out there and you are like me, pray that he guides me and that I listen. I have this urge to set people free. I do not want to hurt anyone in that process. 

Now let's make this movie.   

Your Other Brothers

I have discovered a blog you might want to visit. It's called Your Other Brothers. I would issue one caveat. If you think I "overshare"  here sometimes, then you may not want to go there. The guys are very frank about their lives as same sex attracted Christians. they discuss everything. I mean everything. They even managed to embarrass me. Even so, I found myself both laughing and crying and sympathizing and agonizing with them.

There are 14 of them in total and they all have their own stories as well as interesting blog posts. They all seem to be between 20 and 30 years old. Some are married...to women... that know who they are and I believe some have children.

I am so happy for them that they have built this place where they can be honest and open about their struggles and help the rest of us at the same time. It's some good stuff.

Here is an excerpt from "Elliot's Story Chapter One"
 
"But the most significant memory from this period of my life occurred when I was riding my tricycle around the parking lot watching David play basketball with some of the other kids from the trailer park. The sun was setting and the sky was a vibrant orange.
One of the boys was not wearing a shirt, and it mesmerized me.
His name was Brad, and he was very tan. The warm setting summer sun glistened off his maturing body as he jumped for the basketball hoop. My trance was broken when my brother yelled at me for being in the way, so I rode home.
That was the first time I remember being physically attracted to another guy. I remember fantasizing about that boy for years afterward. To this day, he is just as vivid in my memory. I find it odd that a three-year-old would have such a strong physical, almost sexual attraction at all — let alone to another boy. That makes me question if there are some other memories that may have been suppressed and lost in the dark hallways of that trailer."

It's all high quality stuff. The writing is great. The stories are great. The topics are diverse. Take a look. I would like to write for them, but they seem to be well in advance of me in their skills. They are a courageous bunch.  

It Is What It Is...

I kind of hate that expression, mostly because it gets overused and even abused, but there is much truth in it, especially when one discusses the sin so inherent in the human race. We all sin. I may have mentioned that before. The idea is not original with me. It's in the Bible. All have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God. Paul said that somewhere in his letter to the Roman Church I think.

I may also have mentioned in the past that sin is anything contrary to the will of God. Those things that are sinful are defined quite well in the Bible. Sin is not merely behavior or activity. It can begin with a thought that is nursed to the point of desire. A simple distraction can turn into a covetous moment, a lie, an angry tirade or a year and a half long affair with someone of your own sex. No, sin is much more than mere behavior. It is a condition of the human heart. Jesus said that it is what is inside of a man that makes him unclean. Sin is desire from within for...for...whatever, for the things or activities that God says we can not have or should not participate in.

So why do we single out some sins as more tolerable than others? Is it because there are simply more covetous liars than there are homosexuals? Does a majority sinner get more leeway than a minority sinner? I'm thinking not, at least from the Lord's perspective. However, this is not true among humans. There are certain sinful activities which are more common than others and so we tend to wink at those and feel better about ourselves as we reach out and condemn those afflicted with the really big sins, whatever those might be in our culture at whatever time in history we live. This is true both inside and outside God's church.

So what causes us to sin? Why does someone covet? Why do people like to gossip? Why does someone have sex with his neighbor's wife? Why do I think the guy that just walked in to the coffee shop is really hot and I want to get to know him?

It comes down to what is in our hearts does it not? Somewhere deep inside all of us is the broken, bent desire to please ourselves and ignore our neighbors and our Creator. 

Someone asked me what causes homosexuality? Did God make a mistake? Was I born this way? Is it genetic or environmental? Is it nature or nurture? Is it just a behavior to be avoided?

My answer has become this.

I don't know and it does not matter. That's right. It does not matter. You may as well ask what makes someone a self righteous arbitrator of someone else's sins? We are a broken race my friends. We are sinful. Our spiritual genetics are messed up and so we are out of plumb with our Creator's desire for what we should be. Our ancestors chose their own will over God's and so sin became systemic in the race. It's why we need Jesus. It's why God sent Him. It is what it is and why God does what He does. He wants to save us from our own self destructive behavior because He loves us.

I'm still not sure why, but I know that He does love us. What's more, He has paid the debt that sin accrues; even the sins not yet committed. Yes Christian, you have sinned, you will sin today and you will sin in the future. You may even sin on the day you die. He has paid for that and He loves you.

Do not stand back from the adulterer, murderer or sodomite pointing the fickle finger of condemnation. Rather go look in the mirror. Jesus died for your sins too. I do not know what causes you to be self righteous or to covet or lie about your own purity, but I love you anyway, mostly because God loves you.

Now sit down with me, a sinner, and be my friend. We will talk. We have much in common. Together we will walk with Jesus and help each other out of our grave clothes. We will see what it like to live in His glorious light, loving each other as He intended.

I don't know why I'm gay. I can tell you that it feels hard wired in me, like He made me this way. It is what it is. I just know that Jesus loved me enough to give His life for me.

Lord, I accept your gift. 

Some Excerpts From Brent at 'Odd Man Out'

Brent Bailey's wisdom on the subject of being gay and a Christ follower continues to fascinate me. From his blog post on "Loving Men", I would like to share some of his wisdom here and comment. If you disagree, it's OK. It is some edgy stuff. It might throw some of you straight guys into panic mode. Don't be afraid. It's possible for me to love you without being in love with you and I think that's Brent's point (at the risk of putting words in his mouth).

So how does a gay guy love a straight guy or another gay guy without it leading to desire? Is that possible? Maybe...maybe not. Brent says this,

"I remain persuaded—even as the witness of other gay and lesbian Christians raises urgent, pressing doubts—that there are certain expressions of my love for men from which I should refrain, namely, the expressions involving bodies and souls mingling in physical intimacy. What has changed is the possibility that my orientation might not drive me inevitably toward sin but that it could serve as an avenue for my life to manifest the love of Jesus in tangible, ongoing ways with others, a love that isn’t self-obsessed but that serves, forgives, and endures the other. Or, as Eve Tushnet put it, “[My orientation is] inextricable from who I am and how I live in the world. Therefore I can’t help but think it’s inextricable from my vocation.” God has used my queerness for immeasurable good in my life, especially since I came out, and my orientation seems to be a key element in the relationships and ministry to which God will call me in the years ahead."

And then there is this...

"I said that the way I try to love men now is “confusing but profoundly satisfying,” and I meant it, especially the “confusing” part. This is unfamiliar terrain for me and for the friends in my life—some of whom I’ve felt attracted to, some of whom are gay themselves, some of whom have great legs, you get the picture—and the art of embracing my affections for certain men as an impetus to love them while remaining conscious of the inherent peril is a dance whose steps I’m still learning. Loving men as someone who is gay and celibate demands more honesty and self-awareness than I usually have the courage to conjure up. Even when I do manage to accomplish some measure of honesty or self-awareness, the content of my honesty is elusive and amorphous. My friends aren’t surrogate boyfriends or husbands, and whereas I do share deep intimacy with them, it’s undoubtedly different from the intimacy spouses share. There are misunderstandings, and the stakes of those misunderstandings are high, because my friends and I are sexual creatures with skin in the game. It’s risky like love inevitably must be, because the things I feel aren’t always admirable, so confession and forgiveness necessarily abound. Nevertheless, I meant the “satisfying” part, too. Interactions charged with an electric rush can give way to intimacy, fear can cave under delight, and the love I possess, which I interpret as an imprint of the one who created me, can find its objects."

And finally...

" One friend, whom I love as family, chose his words deliberately: “You handle friendship like a vocation.” The kind of conversations about sexuality I find myself having now move in this direction: about life together with friends, about honesty and confession and forgiveness, about the variety of vocations that might lead to our flourishing in God. If nothing else seems certain to me, it feels possible now in a way it didn’t before that the love of Jesus might be manifested in my life, with all my friends but perhaps especially so in the friendships I’ll share with men. “Greater love has no one than this,” Jesus says in John 15, and I don’t think the act of laying “down one’s life for one’s friends” excludes the friendships that the spark of sexual chemistry kindles."

This is, to me, some beautiful stuff. It is a way of riding the tension and still being able to accomplish what Jesus intended. For most of my life, I have avoided close friendships with men. There are very few that I have deliberately interacted with because of fear. If I am befriending them, is it because I find something attractive about them? Will it lead to lust? Why do I want to be friends with this man?

Strangely, it has worked the same way with potential gay friends. I have stood back because I have feared a conflict of interest with my faith.

In the name of spiritual purity, I have missed out on friendships that could have been life changing. I have avoided relationship and taken on loneliness as a virtue to avoid the possibility of sin.

Ya know what? That does not work. I have found that I am completely capable of of lust and desire, even when I am completely alone. So why am I depriving myself of relationships and friendships which might be useful in my pursuit of Christ and to everyone concerned?

I will not do this anymore. If I risk a bit of temptation, if I delight in a new friendship that makes me blush a bit, so be it. I will ride the tension right to the edge to gain intimate non-physical friendship with my brothers in the faith.

So guys, if I smile at you and look you in the eye, don't panic. I'm harmless. I might just need a friend. OK? You might need a friend too. I, surprisingly, understand all the 'man baggage' that your wives may not grasp. We can talk...seriously. I do not have leprosy. I have another perspective. I am your Brother in the body of Christ.

Odd Man Out

If you have an opportunity, you need to visit "Odd Man Out". It's a blog written by Brent Bailey who is a gay celibate Christian. I have not completed his "background check" just yet, but I believe he is a graduate of the same school as I am and that he has worked for the Marin Foundation. Beyond that, I think he has ministered in a church or two.

I am going to give you a few links to his writing below. I want you to go and have a read. Please be prepared to spend some time. The man is deeply intellectual and also deeply faithful and he writes in accordance with those factors. He knows who he is and what he as to do about it. I wish I could write like him. I'm a bit smitten. Here to some good reading   

http://oddmanout.net/post/135827424496/loving-men

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/loveisanorientation/2012/06/to-know-and-be-known/

Love Y'all. See ya in church.

A Ministry For Gay People?

Really? Why?

I Corinthians 12:25, 26

²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

We do not need to be segregated and we should not self segregate within the church. We are all part of the body of Christ and there is so much we can learn from each other and about each other. How will we ever resolve the things that may be separating us if we do not minister to each other whether straight or same sex attracted or whatever. We must accept each other in full fellowship, ministering to each other, sharing victories and suffering. We are one Body, the bride of Christ.

Do you remember the the resurrection of Lazarus in John 11:38-44. 

John 11:38-44
³⁸ Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹ “Take away the stone,” he said.
“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”
⁴⁰ Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
⁴¹ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Jesus goes to the tomb of Lazarus. Though Lazarus had been dead for four days, Jesus commands that the stone be rolled away, even after objections over the potential odor of decay. He commands that Lazarus rise and come forth alive and so he did, well and wrapped in strips of cloth like a dead man. Jesus then calls for his friends to unwrap the grave clothes binding Lazarus to free him from death's restraint and death's stench.

We are all new creations in Christ my brethren. He has raised us from death to life so that He can lead us home. He commands us to help each other get free of the grave clothes and the stench of sin and death, so we can move on to life together as one body, His bride, His Church. There is no need for separation or separate ministries or special ministries. 

Would you set up a special ministry for fornicators, adulterers and pornophiles? Would you have a covetousness ministry or maybe gossipers anonymous? Maybe one for the haters?

Come on people. Let's do this Church thing together. All have sinned and fallen short right? We can maybe help each other with that and Jesus can guide us.

What did Paul tell the Colossians?

Colossians 3:1-17

3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^{[b] 7} You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹ Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

This is the way to go friends. We must walk this path together. Come on! I dare you! Admonish me already! 

Love Y'all. See ya in Church!
    

The Unvaccinated

Seriously. If you believe that vaccination is the answer to stop disease and epidemic, then by all means go ahead. I will not try and stop you. So why is it that your kind wants to force me, by law, to take the same mercury adjuvent enhanced injections?

Just sayin....

Donald, You Have To Use A Wooden Stake

From "The Hill":

"Donald Trump leads Hillary Clinton by 2 points in a head-to-head matchup, according to a new Rasmussen Reports telephone survey.
Trump gets 41 percent to Clinton's 39 percent in the new poll.


I'm really beginning to believe she will go down like a Japanese Zero in 1944.
She is Bush II in a dress. Another member of the bi-factional war party.
Send her to Guantanamo for her war crimes in Libya and Syria, but do not make her president of the United States.
We have to Stop the Whore of Babylon. Donald is the man for the job.

The Mandela Effect

Are you familiar with the Mandela Effect? "The Mandela effect is a theory put forth by writer and paranormal consultant, Fiona Broome that shared false memories are in fact glimpses into parallel worlds with different timelines."

The name for the effect comes from a false, shared memory that many people have of Nelson Mandela dying in prison rather than eventually being released to become the leader of South Africa. This is not one of my false memories, but I think I do have them and I believe, in some cases, they are shared by others.  Do you remember when you were a kid reading the children's books about The Berenstein Bears?

Apparently they have always been the Berenstain Bears.

I know. I was shocked when I heard this and I swore that somewhere I actually had one of these books with "my" spelling on the cover. I am still not convinced that it was not once The Berenstein Bears. I am almost sure there has been some kind of glitch in the matrix that has caused this.

There are a number of things like this that groups of people recall differently than others. It makes me think of Winston Smith in 1984 and the changing "reality" in his world. "We have always been at war with East Asia" or "we have never been at war with East Asia". In the book, Winston works for the Ministry of Truth, altering official history and media reports to reflect the needs of Big Brother to maintain control.

As I said, there are many other things like this...like the spelling of Reba McEntire's name. Didn't she used to be Reba McIntyre?

I was also one that thought Billy Graham and Muhammad Ali were dead. I, of course stand corrected. I know that both are alive and not so well...unless they aren't.

So what would cause this if, in fact it was true?

Some have suggested that sometimes parallel universes brush up against each other and histories get changed in both realities. Others have suggested that the work being done by CERN (Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire or  The European Organization for Nuclear Research) in Switzerland is bringing together alternate realities in unusual ways as they experiment with finding other dimensions, opening time portals and playing with the fabric of the universe. If you think I'm kidding about CERN, you need to do an internet search. Learn about what they are doing, It's some pretty weird stuff.  

Beyond that, I suppose that those in charge of world affairs could be altering our reality as needed or they could be doing it just to see if it can be done.

I don't know. I have always been one that thought seeing is believing and that our reality is rock solid and immutable. What if it's not? What if the nature of reality and history changes as time passes? Or what if what we perceive as reality is nothing more than a complex computer program projected on our conscious minds or that we do not exist in the physical sense at all except in the mind of God?

This is where science, theology and the paranormal come together in very uncomfortable ways for everyone concerned. If the human race does have a collective consciousness and it remembers, I think we will one day figure all this out.

Right now though, I still think it's "Berenstein".

Ghog Out    



 

On Being Pursued

I have never been, in all my life, someone that reaches out to others. I have, to some minds, been downright unfriendly. I am not sure why this is. I would say I am not unfriendly. I am maybe unresponsive. For whatever the reason, I always assumed that people could care less what I think or feel and that any input I might offer would be irrelevant. I never thought about myself as being necessary or important to the lives of people around me, even family members to a certain extent.

Barbara Streisand used to sing about people who need people back in the 70's. I hated that song, mostly because I could not imagine needing people. I was accomplished at seeing to my own needs and the involvement of others in my life seemed to always complicate my agenda, so I would steer clear of anything but surface relationships. This worked for a very long time off and on in my life, but there were and are others that would not and will not let me get away with this. I write this today in praise of those people, my close friends, both in my time of need and in good times as well. You have added complexity to my life, taught me relationship skills and even how to love. I am a bit Aspie like from time to time and you have all stayed with me despite my cranky demeanor. I love you all.

My first friend was Kelly Dean Jones. We were both three years old when we met. I have written about him before. We did many things together including trying to kill each other. Had some considerable fun in the sand pile as well as breaking into a church building. We had little in the way of life experience to discuss, but we experienced the full range of childhood emotions with each other. Kelly, I don't know where you are, but I hope you are alive and well. You may not remember me, but I remember you.

I had many other more shallow friendships throughout childhood, but I never really got close to anyone again until high school. Brian, who I have discussed before here, became my good friend through many years even beyond high school. He pursued me as a friend when I was not in a place to appreciate what it meant to be a friend. He seemed to sense that I needed someone even when I did not. He pushed. He was not afraid of me as many were at the time. Eventually we shared every secret two young men can have. We had a lot of fun too. Brian, I know you can't hear me, but I do think about you from time to time, especially when I hear Elton or Billy. You had a major influence on my musical tastes. Thanks man!

Nina...you are a frequent visitor here and have been my perennial friend since church youth group. I walked away from you once. I am sorry I ever did that. In case I never apologized, I am sorry. You have tolerated much by tolerating me. I am a better man for having known you. I especially have enjoyed disagreeing with you. Thankfully we can agree to disagree and still love each other. Thanks for pursuing me in times when I tried to hide...from everyone. I love you.

Deborah, ours has been a roller coaster. You will probably hate this, but you were always like the wife I never had. I know we are divorced now ;^) but we are better apart I think than together. We have strong personalities and opinions of equal and opposite strength. Clash was inevitable. Even so, you have had a major influence on my life and you have made me see the other side of things even if I would not change my mind. You were always there when I needed to vent about my secrets. I appreciate that more than you will ever know. I do still love you, but I do not want to fight with you..though we did even that well together. I will never forget you, barring Alzheimer's or amnesia!

Robert...we shared many things in the short time we had together including each other. I blame you for our brief friendship. You pursued me with the literal passion of a man in need. We were not exactly walking by the Spirit in those days. I regret, in some respects, not telling you 'no' and at other times, I do not regret it nearly enough. We should have left it alone, but we did not. Even so, my experience with you was enlightening to say the least. I am glad to have known you. Hope you are well.

Eric...You...you are different than all the others. I know you know that. You were the first straight man to pursue me. I am not sure why you bothered or where you thought it was going or maybe you just did not want to go fishing by yourself, but you have ministered to me in ways that no one else has done. I think, I know that one on one ministry is your gift. I hope you will continue to do that even as your career transitions from professional ministry to teaching. God has blessed you with an ease of mind and an ability communicate what needs to said to the people in your care. I praise the Lord for your presence in my life. I hope that you and my new friend Steve will stand side by side one day and lower my ashes into the appropriate hole at Rising Sun Cemetery. I am proud to have known you. I miss you man!

Steve..I do not know why, but you made your presence immediately known in my life when you arrived at church. You were up and in my face regularly even as I pushed you away. You too are gifted in one on one encounters and ministry and I am thankful for it. You sensed that I was about to explode and you helped me release the energy in a nondestructive way. I continue to give thanks for that. You are surprisingly and unexpectedly sensitive to others. Maybe the Spirit is keeping you informed or maybe it's just a gift. Thanks for being in my life. I hoped to enjoy your input for years to come.    

And Lord, I would be remiss if I did not put you out here. You have rigorously pursued me throughout my life. I don't know why you love me, but I know you do. You know me better than all these. You know things about me that none of these other know and even so, you still love me. Jesus, I pray that you continue to pursue me as you have. You are my very best friend and so I really think we should meet in person some day :^) I look forward to Forever with You. Thanks also putting all these wonderful people in my life. I have needed and under-appreciated everyone of them. I will try and stop that first part.

I love all of you. Thanks...what else can I say? Thanks.

News From Flathead County

The Police Blotter column from the Flathead County Beacon in Kalispell, Montana is always entertaining. My favorite 'report' is in bold italics.
-----------------------------


Police BlotterFlathead County Sheriff's and Kalispell Police Reports

Unwanted Visitor

By Christie Burns // Apr 16, 2016 // Police Blotter

   

9:25 a.m. A local woman saw someone in a beat-up Gremlin drive down a swampy road near the river. The Gremlin, she felt, was cause for concern.
11:28 a.m. A Kila woman reported that employees of the Internal Revenue Service were at her house harassing her for money.
12:21 p.m. A black lab in Evergreen jumped a tall fence and ran behind the Town Pump.
2:43 p.m. Someone from a Kalispell business complained that customers keep driving over their rock displays.
3:02 p.m. A Whitefish resident claimed that her neighbor was in his driveway shooting at old appliances with his shotgun. The caller worried about passers by and wayward bird shot.
6:01 p.m. A Whitefish woman reported that a shepherd wearing a bandana frequently visits her at home and she’s tired of it.
7:04 p.m. A man with brown hair ran a stop sign on Lion Mountain Road.

-----------------------------

Having shepherds visit is daunting enough. When they have headgear, it's intimidating. And what are the sheep doing while this guy is at her house? Are they in the yard? Hard to say. Shepherding can be lonely business, but I'm sure they explained that at the job interview.

The Clobber Passages

Yesterday in adult Sunday school we continued our discussion of the book, "Messy Grace", by Caleb Kaltenbach. We were in chapter 6, entitled, "No Compromise". Up to this point, Caleb has discussed the need for Christians to behave with grace and love toward members of the LGBT community, building relationships with them and creating peaceful discussion. In chapter 6 Caleb outlines the truth of the scriptures regarding same sex sexual activity and God's will in this regard.

In the chapter, Caleb comes up with an almost systematic approach in two parts. First he establishes what God intended for humanity and how this divine intention seems to be universal throughout scripture - that men and women are to marry, to become one flesh in lifetime commitment to each other. It is in the creation account, Jesus affirms this and Paul continues the pattern in the Church Age. For background see the following:

Genesis 2:20-24
Matthew 19:4-6
Ephesians 5:21-33

Then, after establishing what God intended for humanity in terms of sex and family life, Caleb searches the scriptures for the things that ought not be done in human sexuality, what is sin and in opposition to God's will. Some gay Christians have referred to these as the "clobber passages" because they are used by straight Christians to hammer the LGBT community as well as gay Christians into submission. Generally, this approach will fail because the scriptures get used as clubs out of context and with no love, no relationship building and against people rather than behavior.

They are however, still God's truth. If you are a believer, it does not matter what your inclinations are sexually, what you or I think about them or even what the world thinks about them. The only thing that matters is what God thinks and His will about these things is consistent throughout scripture.
Here are a few of those passages.

Leviticus 18:22
Leviticus 20:13
Deuteronomy 22:5
Romans 1:24-27 
I Corinthians 6:9-11
I Timothy 1:8-11

Many will say that the Old Testament passages do not apply because we Christians do not live under the law. Others will say that the 'no homo' thing was Paul's problem and that Jesus never spoke to it.

Neither of these objections pass my smell test and I will tell you why. First, much of what was the law has in fact been passed to us as Christians. What has not been passed is the condemnation from failing to keep it. The New Testament is clear on what these things are. One of them is a prohibition on homosexual behavior. We cannot sin the more that grace may abound however. We have an obligation to walk in the way of the Spirit and sexual immorality is not the direction in which the Spirit walks. If you are a believer, you have an obligation to do these things. If you are not a believer, I will not judge you for what you do. That will be up to the Lord.

Secondly, Jesus did not speak directly to the issue of homosexuality because is was not a major problem in Judea and among the Jews of His time. They knew from the law that such practices were opposed to God's will. He did speak about marriage though, affirming Gods original intent and how anything outside of that paradigm was sexual immorality.

It is Truth.

Truth can separate people or unite them or allow them to coexist in peace despite disagreement over God's Truth.

God wants everyone to know His Truth. He also loves everyone and pursues them as one would pursue a lost child. He wants ALL of US to be in His Family. What believers need to recognize is that we cannot marginalize people with this Truth. Instead, it needs to be used in a way that will help those far from God come to embrace Him and His Truth as we do. We must not clobber them.

Jesus loved. He built relationships. He spent His time here with the worst of us and He stilled loved us enough to do for us what we could not do for ourselves - become righteous before God. All of us have sinned and have fallen short of His glory. We need to recognize this so we can ALL approach the throne of grace humbly and together and share that gift with others that do not presently have that privilege.

It's true that the Bible is the sword of the Spirit used to combat evil and convict us of sin, but is can also be used as a shepherd's crook to gently lead errant sheep and train them to walk in the way of their Master. Clobbering sheep is counterproductive.

Grace and truth people. Live in the tension between them and let the Lord take the sheep as they come into the fold.

I love y'all. Hope to see you in church.          

It Went Well

It's always nice to have family support when life is in flux. I would like to thank my aunt and uncle for their wise words and kind support yesterday as we had coffee in the off season...not Thanksgiving or Christmas.

It was good to see them. Thanks for coming. We should, as they say, do this more often. Maybe we will. Thanks Again....I love you...Ghog Out! 

Coffee With Uncle Dick

I'm supposed to have coffee with my Dad's brother this morning. I hope he's able to get here. We need to talk about Dad. Uncle Dick got to talk to Dad during one of his sun downing episodes yesterday. He was going to pick up Dad and go to a funeral visitation. There was all kinds of confusion. It's typical for me; like herding cats, but I think it was a new experience for my uncle.

I will let you know how the discussion goes. I think we have a framework established now. You know, you can share with other people how it is, but until you actually experience it, you don't know.

Dad is good in the morning for the most part. Minor confusion and forgetfulness at best. Caffeine seems to help. Around 4:30 PM though, things begin to change. He thinks the people on TV are talking to him. He sometimes thinks they are in the house. He forgets who is alive and who is dead. By the time I get home at 8 PM he's not even sure who I am. Sometimes he thinks I'm my uncle. Sometimes he thinks I am Grandpa - his dad. That last one gives me some extra authority even though Grandpa has been dead for 16 years.

Last night I came home and he was in the kitchen trying to call someone on the kitchen phone. He said, "where have you been?", so I assume he was trying to call me. I am not sure he was going to get me though, because he appeared to be looking up my uncle's phone number. This was also a night when he had cleared off his coffee table by his chair and put all the items in the back of the Highlander. These items included a telephone, the remote controls to his TV and cable box, several large farmer handkerchiefs and a band-aid box full of q-tips. I always ask him where he put his remote controls before I get them out of the Toyota because I want to see if he remembers. I usually ask him if he has figured out why he does that too. The inevitable answer is that he wanted it off his table and he wanted to put them in a place that he would remember. That last one failed spectacularly as usual.

He has other delusions too. He thinks that every car that passes out on the road is been repainted at an unknown body shop in Pleasant Hill. He takes out the garbage on the wrong day in the middle of the night. I could go on. He can, however, still mow the lawn.

His reasoning, his logic and even his ability to communicate effectively are leaving him at a very rapid rate. He cannot seem to put into words what he wants to say. I think eventually he will go silent.

When we were at the doctor on the 11th, I asked for a referral to a neurologist since Dad's neurologist retired. Dr Smith has set us up with the neurology clinic at Methodist hospital in July. It's the earliest we could get in. I want to get Dad evaluated to see where he is at in the 7 stages. I also want someone to officially pull his drivers license.

While we were with Dr Smith, who is an internal medicine specialist, he gave Dad a verbal test for his memory. I have seen this done before with Dad. He did not do well in the past, but on the 11th, it was a disaster. Dad did not know the year, the month, or day of the week. He did not know who was president. He said he knew it was not Truman. He did not know who our governor was. He could not give the sum of 75 and 24. The only thing he did well was subtract by 3's. Eventually that wore him out though and so he gave up. He quit.

I have tried to tell the doctor about all the odd behavior in the past, but it's difficult with Dad in the examination room. This time though, I pushed forward and did it. Dad had some anger, shame and embarrassment about it. He was mad at me for talking about it, but the memory of that did not last long. If you have Alzheimer's, it's difficult to hold a grudge. He has always been in denial about his Alzheimer's. What he was 20 years ago and what he is now is difficult to mesh together. If you had not seen him in awhile, you would wonder if he is the same man.

But he's still my Dad...and I still love him. This would be easier if I didn't, but I do.

So anyway, wish me luck in my discussion with Uncle Dick. I hope to get him firmly in my court regarding Dad's future. I think the summer may be rough.           

An Apology

I sometimes have to apologize for shooting off my mouth in places where it actually gets heard. It's a good thing that I am not a diplomat. There would be war. I will have to say that I never thought I would be 'heard' here. Frankly, there are few that read this drivel, especially when I go all narcissistic. TDGH is a place where I publish my thoughts. It's like putting one's journal or diary out there for everyone to read. The Lord said that what's inside a man is what makes him unclean. What's in the heart sometimes ends up on the tongue, or in my case, on the pages of this blog. In my defense, I do learn from what I write, but I also get a cheap thrill from speculation about people, places and things of which I know NOTHING about. This is probably not good. It's a case of oversharing at best and completely defamatory at worst. If you have been a victim of my thought processes and my writing and my venting of opinion, I am sorry and I apologize to you right here and now. Just know that no one really reads his stuff with the exception of a handful of people that either care about me or like to laugh at me as I push my way through this life.  

Anyhow, what follows here is assumption on my part, sprinkled with guilt and some fair amount of regret, sorrow and repentance. Do with it what you will and if it does not apply to you, please feel free to move on.

On February 9th and later on March 2nd I wrote blog posts which might be seen as gossipy, critical and unkind. The 2/9 post was entitled, "Two Preachers, Two Laptops and a Cup of Coffee". I was eavesdropping on conversations of a couple of local pastors and commenting about their discussion. First, I apologize for eavesdropping. It's a horrible practice. I am usually way too good at blocking out the real world. I should have been doing it on the day in question. If anything I wrote was particularly offensive, I am sorry.

The March post "The Reluctant Host" was a similar situation. It involved more pastors and I singled one out that I had judged. I know. Who am I to judge another man's servant right? But I did it anyway and I am sorry. So if you are the one I described as the fat, bearded one that I tagged with an unfortunate label, I am sorry. I had no right to make assumptions about who you are, especially since I do not even know you. It was a grievous sin. I am ashamed I did it and I repent of it. You are, no doubt, an honorable man, otherwise you would never have been placed in charge of a portion of His flock.

So why am I doing this? Well, I do have a conscience. It has been bothering me that I did these things. I have also sensed some bad feelings from the featured men in this group. It is certainly understandable. Beyond that, I think I got caught!

Many of us do not realize the full impact of our sin until we actually get caught. I noticed on either Monday or Tuesday that there was Facebook traffic pointed toward the blog and two specific posts were receiving attention. These would be the ones mentioned above. Getting caught helps push one  toward either digging their heels in or to repentance. I have chosen the latter. Brian, I am sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I do not know how you guys found my blog. I'm thinking it had to be a family member that passed on a link to one of you or maybe someone from my church. Whatever. You seem to have credited me with having the smarts to figure out what was going on so I could finally do the right thing. Thanks much. The Spirit continues to work. He has His hands full with me.

We live and learn...at least I do. Sometimes others get hurt in the process. Collateral damage is never good or excusable. I will endeavor to do better. Thanks for reading. The offending posts have been removed.     

What does a Shepherd Do?

When you think about all the occupations available to someone in this world, being a shepherd probably does not top anyone's list. Even so, a casual look at a shepherd's life seems ideal in some respects. How hard can it be right?

Well, every indication suggests that it's one of the hardest jobs out there. Sheep are helpless, stupid and cantankerous all at once. They are much like people in this regard. Even the sharpest people require guidance from time to time. And so it goes with the shepherd. His duties are never ending and the work is hard because his charges are in need of him constantly. Seeing to the needs of the sheep, when done correctly, can even kill the shepherd.

The most important thing a shepherd does is feed and water his sheep. Finding proper pasture and water sources that are in accordance with the size of the flock is never ending. Without grass and water, your sheep will die.

Sheep also have to be groomed and sheared occasionally. They seem unable to do it themselves and so the shepherd will enlist others to help with this. It can be both tedious and profitable as well as stinky. Keeping a sheep clean and odor free is nearly impossible.

Delivering the lambs is another important shepherd duty. Sheep try to be good parents, but sometimes they fail. The shepherd has to help with this.

Sheep need to be lead too. If the shepherd does not lead, his flock will scatter or worse, the goats will take over and the flock will go where they were never intended to go. A shepherd worth his salt, will condition his flock to respond to his voice in obedience. He will lead from behind, admonishing errant sheep to keep them in the fold. 

Occasionally, a sheep will wander off. This is irritating, but the shepherd has to bring back the wanderer. Many sheep have a spirit of adventure. Others manage to get lost unintentionally. Circumstances can deceive.

Sheep also need protection. This can be dangerous for the shepherd. Predators enter the flock by night or slink in by day to help themselves. Lions, wolves and jackals pray upon an unwatched flock, but a good shepherd that keeps watch will perceive the presence of predators and drive them away or even kill them to protect his flock.

If you want to be a shepherd, there will be no holidays. The pay is low and the benefits are nonexistent.

There is only one real reason to do it. You just have to love sheep.   

A Sermon of Offense

I keep thinking about the sermon on Sunday. It's kind of lodged in my brain like a sliver of glass, piercing the meninges and irritating my cranial cap. Or maybe it was more like this - the normally placid waters of my soul have been disturbed to tsunami levels. It's not so much that the sermon offended me. It's more like it made me think and that's a terrible thing to do to someone that's trying to sleep between classes. Maybe I did not understand it as it was meant to be understood, or worse, maybe I did understand it and that's why it's eating away at me.

We are at the start of a sermon series from Colossians. The preacher was talking about sin. He said something about how it's possible to get close to perfection, eliminating sin from our lives and he also said that Christians spend way too much time worrying about sin and it's why we never get to the point actually of doing ministry.

Maybe I was not listening properly, but these ideas seem contradictory to me and maybe wrong. Or maybe I am in denial.

First, I do not believe it's possible to not sin. We are a sinful race with bodies broken by the selfish  desires of sin. I do think that the Spirit helps the believer to say 'no' to sin. We become less self destructive because of His presence in our bodies. Not to put too fine a point on it, but He helps us manage what once ran riot in our bodies and in our minds. We will, however, never be sin free, at least not until we are dead.

Sin management is something that Christians do. I will not say that it's the correct way to live, but it's what we do to stay out of deeper troubles. If we can minimize the effects of sin in our lives, we feel like we have achieved something. We feel better about ourselves and even though we still sin, we feel good when we approach God for some discussion.

There is also what goes on in the mind. I will speak only for myself here, but my mind is not always under the Spirit's control. Sometimes it's not even under my control. My mind and my moods are all over the place and I am finding, especially now, that I am having problems with desire. When I was freed from the burden of my secret awhile back, it set some other things loose that would probably be better left in the cage of my heart.  Spiritual freedom is a two edged sword. The more involved one becomes with people in terms of ministry and being ministered to, the more one has opportunity for sin. That sounds awful, but it's true. I knew this would happen if I began reaching out to people and making friendships. It's why I've spent so much of my life withdrawn from others. Desire creeps in when I let people into my life.

I have a fear of losing control of the monster that has lived in me since I was 12. It would be easy for me to say that I will let the Lord handle it and plow forward with abandon into some kind ministry or whatever I am lead to, but I am afraid. It's risky living.

What if I lose control? What if I fail to let God control things? I do not have a good record here. I'm a man with weak knees and a stubborn spirit.


Therein lies the problem.

Risk is something I'm not good at. Even so, I will have to risk and I will have to trust God in faith if I am to be loved and love others as He would have it be.

I still have walls. I seem to be using them now for a different purpose; to keep me in. They need to come down I suppose.

Just thinking out loud here people. If you have a different perspective, I will be glad to listen. I'm not sure I have a ministry beyond what I am doing now anyway. I enjoy teaching. I am as transparent as I can possibly be without offending people (;^))))) I will try harder, but I don't think I will ever be sin free. Sorry. Going from a closet case to an uncaged man is difficult. One does not always know the bounds of appropriate social behavior and so I do nothing.  

80 Years Old Today

On April 18th, 1936, Dennis Lynn Brady was born to Lloyd and Pauline Brady. He would eventually become my father.  Today he is 80 years old.

The world was in a precarious place in that time. The nation was still trying to recover from a depression that seemed to drag on and on. Fascist powers were on the rise in Europe and the Japanese empire was beginning to wage war against her neighbors. It was a very uncertain time to be alive. There was not much hope for future generations. By September of 1939, Germany had invaded Poland and this spark ignited the greatest conflagration the world has ever seen, making the 20th century the bloodiest in human history.

It was into this world that my father was born, in a place far removed from the violence, in a land called Iowa. Agriculture was the business to be in if you lived in Iowa. Lloyd and Pauline were tenant farmers and so my Dad and his brother worked on the farmstead as they grew up, sheltered from the troubles of a world ablaze in war. Even so the work was hard and it served to toughen Dad in ways that can be seen to this day.

Except for what he talks about, his early years are a bit of a mystery to me. Dad lost a fingertip in a pump jack of a windmill when he was 3. He developed grand mal epilepsy some time later, possibly in his teen years from a brain injury incurred earlier that was the result of a fall into a concrete cellar entrance. He spent most of his life taking phenobarbital and dilantin to curb the seizures. The drugs seemed to work. The seizures were few and far between. I can remember his last one in 1968. He was stressed. He had just moved into management at his place of work. He was also in the middle of remodeling a house that he and Mom had just purchased. It was the reason we were living with my other grandparents, Charles and Dorthy Meacham. Dad fell to the floor seizing while getting ready for work. He had been shaving. It was early in the morning. The bathroom he was in was small and he could have been severely injured when he went down by the porcelain fixtures, but he was not. He did spend the day rest of the day off from work and with his parents.

Dad came of age in the 1950's. I am led to believe that it was the most glorious decade to be a young, white American. We had become defacto rulers of the world, having defeated the Axis powers in the second world war, closing with the first use of the atomic bomb. Even poor Americans seemed wealthy in that time. Everyone was reaping the benefits of our victory. The arsenal of democracy was becoming the greatest industrial power on earth. Houses were getting bigger. Cars were huge. Fuel and energy was cheap. Food was cheap. And the US dollar was worth about $1.20. Our national currency was actually based on the value of something - gold and silver - rather than the full faith and credit of the US government. It must have been an incredible time to be alive.

Somewhere during that time period, Dad met my mother. Their respective families attended the same church and so their meeting in the church setting was natural. Mom and Dad dated off and on for several years. Dad tells a story about how one Sunday night after services, he went out to his car to find my mother sitting in the passenger seat. He says she was 14 years old. Since there was 3 years between them, this would have made him 17. There are some that might have consider this scandalous today, but in 1954, not so much. They married on January 30, 1957. Dad was 20 and Mom was 17. Strangely (;^000 nine months later, I was born on September 18th of 1957. One might ask was it just coincidence or did something drive them to an early wedding? One might ask, but it would be rude at this point. Even so, when Mom graduated high school she was six months pregnant. The whole thing may have been a quiet scandal back in the Day. Whatever it was, I think it was meant to be. They loved each other more than life itself. You could see it, even when they would argue. It was a grand and glorious union that I was privileged to grow up with. It lasted until May 31, 2011, when Mom left this world to be with our Lord and our God, Jesus Christ. What was gain for her was loss for Dad and I. We both miss her very much.

When she passed, Dad was at least two years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis. He was dependent on her to keep the bills paid and to cook for him and take him to the doctor. I had to take over those duties when she departed. Dad and I have been together since that time and his condition continues to deteriorate. Even so, he still mows lawn. He has not forgotten how to do that. He loses the mower key and sometimes forgets to disengage the blades and set the brake, but he still loves to do it.

He spent his work life with the Anderson Erickson Dairy. It was the only real job outside of the farm that he ever had. There were a number of people in our family that worked there and it has become an Iowa institution over the years. He will still talk about it at length when given the opportunity. He loved working there and they did take very good care of him and our needs as a family. He finished his career there as a buyer.

In all, he has had a life that would be the envy of others throughout the world. He was a motor head. He liked cars and he knew how to work on them. In his youth, I am told, he would drag race his Fords. It was quite popular in the '50's and Dad was supposedly good at it. Early in his life, he enjoyed hunting and later he developed a love for fishing. It was this one that he and I held in common. It is what we would do when spending quality time together.

And now we are together again. He is well passed being able to fish. Arthritis and Alzheimer's has slowed his pace physically and mentally, but our present situation has also served to bring us closer. Dad and I have had a roller coaster relationship over the past 58 years, but we have been given this time together to work out the bumps. Since we are both Christians, this had been made easier by our faith and our Lord. I firmly believe that the Lord has given us this time.

I do not know that I will always be able to care for him as I do now. As he ages and his condition accelerates, I will not be able to leave him at home during the day. I think that soon, they will no longer let him drive, not that he goes anywhere more than 5 miles beyond the house. He is in the Lord's hands. I am just there to assist. I do hope though that the Lord will not let him die of Alzheimer's. It is a dreadful disease. I could go on, but I will not.

So Dad, I know you're not reading this, but happy birthday anyway. I think Mom would be pleased with both of us and how we have made things work. She would probably be PO'd because we are not taking better care of her house and gardens, but then again, maybe she would not care. She is in a much more upscale community today, probably getting it ready for us to join her.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.