Top 20 George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin has to be my all time favorite comic, mostly because he was completely honest about who he was. He is also my favorite atheist, mostly because, despite his disbelief, he was willing to put up with my belief. Since he's dead now, I think he knows for sure that there is a God. Here are some quotes that come close to being timeless truths.

1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
17. The status quo sucks.
18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Prayer Does Not Work

(;^))) Now that I have your attention, please let me clarify a bit. Prayer does not work in the way that we always want it to. Sometimes we have it in our heads that we know exactly what will solve the prayed for issue and we ask, seek and knock as instructed, but we do not find answers that are in line with what we are looking for.

I have concluded that this is the "8 Ball" method of praying. Do you remember those 8 balls they used to sell at places like Spencer's Gifts? You would ask the 8 ball a 'yes or no' question, then shake the ball and turn it upside down to view the answer that would appear in the transparent opening at the bottom of the ball.

I think we do this with God. We are always pushing Him to do things or to give things or to magically change things in our lives. We want life to be effortless. We do not want to have to deal with pain or suffering or contradictions. We want everything to be free, easy, smooth flowing, emotionally satisfying and logical. This is not how life is. In a world where our Creator offers us free will, life will never be like this.

So, for good or ill, I have decided to limit my prayers to what Jesus modeled for all of us. He said specifically, at least twice in the sermon on the mount, that our heavenly Father knows what we need. I am going to go with that promise and keep it simple.

So do I want you to pray for me or those close to me or my church or my sick friend or the missionary in Malaysia whose wife was eaten by cannibals?

I'm thinking no. As Eli the priest said in I Samuel 3,“He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes.” 

God will do what He wants as it suits His will and His plans. I am no longer going to try to interfere with that. Moses could get away with that. I cannot. I am no Moses. I will keep it simple, offer thanksgiving, and move on. Praying for anything else is kind of a waste of time. I have no clue what He wants beyond my obedience. I cannot even give that with any consistency. How can I possibly bother Him with the minutia in my life? I am not going to. He knows it cold anyway and so do I. 

Lord, I love you. I thank you and praise Your Name for all the wonderful things you have provided for me. Thanks for seeing to my needs and for helping me deal with life in general. Thanks for saving me and loving me.
Lord, please help me to forgive, to help when it is needed and to keep your commands. Make me able to do for others as you have done for me and to treat others as I would like to be treated.
In all things Lord, Your will be done!

In Jesus' Name, Amen