I also had a smoldering anger with God. I felt like He had set me up to fail because of certain issues in my personal life which I hoped I would grow out of as time went on. One of them I did grow out of, but the other one remained....to this day. I still take it to God with no result except maybe the will to resist. But getting back to my legalist persona...
The problem with living like this is that no one could live up to the standards I set....including myself. Like everyone else, I had character flaws as mentioned above. Like everyone else, my flesh was bent, and I had some pretty serious bends. I was setting up a conflict within myself that was going to make me lash out at God in anger and send me to the desert for 18 years.
I went to Bible college when I was 17 ready to receive my tassels so I could sit in the seat of judgement with the other Pharisees. This is not a good motivation for going to Bible college. I learned quickly that most of the Christians there were not like me. They were submitted people that realized they were sinners saved by grace and they wanted to help other people get there. That was not me.
Anyway, I took many classes, most of them from the Old Testament and I sharpened my rhetorical skills. In my personal life however, I undertook a study of Romans in the New Testament and this...this became the source of my irritation and anger with God. There were things in there that were completely out of line with my personal interpretation of the scriptures. At the same time, I was searching for answers regarding my personal spiritual issues that I could not harmonize with God's Word.
I was in conflict. I had determined that God was unfair and unjust for many reasons. Then I got to Romans 9. Adding to what was God's utter rebuke to my approach to the faith, He sent me a very strange room mate. He was a Catholic charismatic from Cleveland. Looking back, I think God did that on purpose. Kind of rude Lord. Anyhow...
Being 18 years old (by that time), I was completely frustrated by the time I read this:
Romans 9:14-21
14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses,
16 It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. 17 For
Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that
I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in
all the earth.”[g] 18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.
19 One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?” 20 But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”[h] 21 Does
not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some
pottery for special purposes and some for common use?These words, to my mind, were completely unfair. Who could stand against a God that treats His creations this way? Why would I want to submit to this?
It turns out that submission was part of the problem. To that point in my life I had not submitted to much of anything. When you're right, you don't have to submit to anyone? So it became my will against God's Will. All of my personal standards that I had spent so much time developing fell to the ground like a shattered pane of glass. I was going to Hell because I could no longer justify myself, the junk in my personal life or the way I was living. On top of this, I had a Catholic Charismatic room mate that was trying to get me to lighten up, be more tolerant and enjoy my faith.
I was a walking tragedy. I gave up. I quit praying, left the school I was in and moved to Texas to pursue a liberal arts degree in political science. I went to a Christian college there, but I did not participate in the Christian life. I found a group of nere-do-wells and spent a lot of time doing drugs and drinking. I also fell in lust with someone that I had a relationship with for about 9 months. It was a strange and completely different life. I found that I liked these people. They seemed more normal and in touch with themselves than any Christians I knew. They were real. They were open and honest about their pain and their pleasures. They were not afraid to be who they were.
Having never lived that way, I found it refreshing and fun. I really pushed the envelope. It is a wonder I did not end up in jail. I did get suspended from school for a couple of weeks, but my grades were good and my life was uncomplicated by excessive rule keeping.
The problem with living like that is that it can shorten your life. It can also inhibit your ability to support yourself in the real world where what you do really matters. So at some point after graduation, I had to get my life back together, at least enough to work. I managed to do that. I have worked for a number for reputable companies without ever quitting my job. Lots of buyouts and mergers kept me employed.
I never did get back to the church in those early years. From age 24 to 37, I was unchurched and I did not really miss it. I found I did not like Christians all that much; even the 'cool' ones. So I worked and did little else except go fishing and go home once and a while.
Home was a problem for me. I found that every time I went home, I would get depressed. I missed home, my parents, my grandparents and...yes...even the church I grew up in. It set up a longing in me to go home that did not stop until I actually got here. It was this longing for home that put me in touch with God again. I wanted to go home so badly that I prayed. It was like He was waiting by the phone. It all happened very quickly. I ended up back in the church after a time and I have not really looked back since that time.
I know the Lord in a different way now. The lens through which I view Romans 9 has been refocused. In my anger, I had completely missed the most important part of that passage in verse 16.
16 It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.
It is by God's mercy and grace that we are saved. There is nothing I can do to earn it. I have nothing of value to offer in exchange for it. I can only accept it when He gives it. I am pleased to say I have accepted.
I still slip into Pharisee mode occasionally. I usually receive reminders when I do. As for my personal issues with God - we still discuss them. There may be some lingering anger, but I love Him too much to hold the bentness of my own flesh against Him. I still wish He would have fixed them, but I would have missed so many other learning experiences if He had done so.
Looking back, my own failure to submit my life to Him is what has been the real issue. I still cling to some things that I should not. I need to let them die. I think there is time for that to happen. I may be looking pretty good when I get to the Pearly Gates.
What a long, strange trip its been
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