Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Distinguished

As we all grow older, our physical appearance changes. Some of us become "distinguished". I love that one. I recently had an encounter with someone from Cedar Rapids that had not seen me since 2004. He went back and reported that I looked "distinguished". I'm never sure what that means, but I chose to view it in a positive light.

When I look in the mirror in the morning just prior to my shower, what I see is a candle that seems to be melting at an ever increasing rate. As we age, our shape changes. Elasticity is lost. Things that were once tight, stiff or firm become bouncy or jiggly at best and saggy at worst. Pecs become moobs. Six packs become kegs. And for whatever reason, my testicles seem to drop lower and lower every year. I swear they are getting bigger too. I have to be careful when I sit. They get in the way. I guess I could follow the example of Origen of Alexandria and just have them removed. It's not like they serve any purpose in my life. What do I need all that testosterone for anyhow?

I could lose some weight and try to fight the melting candle effect, but I think at this point, nothing would tighten up. I would resemble a stick inside a empty white garbage bag. I suppose I might be healthier, but who knows? It might make things like arthritis worse. Perhaps a life of sedentary slothfulness would make for a good finish. Then again, if I took a page from Origens' handbook, perhaps I would become more useful. Who is to say?  

I just kind of dread that "going to seed" factor. The dying flower in autumn. I don't want to become brittle and crumbly like vegetation after the first frost. I suppose it's inevitable though. Have you seen David Letterman lately? Talk about going to seed! He looks a little like Wishbone from Rawhide.

See what I mean? This is what happens. This is a prime example of "going to seed". It even happens to celebrities. And now it's happening to me. The worst part is that I really don't care all that much. I seem to be content in my downward slide into a congealed puddle of wax. I wonder how much longer I will look distinguished and at what point I will just seem extinguished. I'm sure no one will tell me. I will just be considered spry or some other term you youngsters have for old codgers like me. Here's to getting old. There's only one other alternative.

Inflamation, Pain, Opioid Meds and More Natural Forms of Relief

Since 1980, when the government put down recommendations for what we should and should not eat, Americans that adopted these guidelines have become progressively more obese. BMI's of 35 are not uncommon. In 1950, 12% of Americans were obese. In 1980 15 %, of Americans were obese. By 2000, that number had increased to 35%. Today,  for Americans over 20 years old that number is at 68%.  Stiff, arthritic joints worn down by excessive body weight have become major medical issues. Inflammation in arteries and organs cause everything from heart disease to cancer. These problems are all directly related to the US government dietary guidelines issued in 1980.

They told us to avoid saturated fat, eat margarine, cut the red meat, and consume grain products and fruit and vegetable juices. This has been nothing short of disastrous for the American public. The trans fats and fructose are the biggest culprits along with processed grains.

It's hard to avoid these things and it's even harder to avoid the pain that comes with the arthritis and inflammation, heart disease and cancers that results from this kind of government sponsored diet. And again, it's government regulation that determines what is legal in terms of pain relief for these ailments. Our government makes all kinds of opioids for pain relief legal for prescription. These are among the most addictive substances known and yet the government would prefer that we use these to more natural, nonaddictive remedies for pain. "Opioid drugs like Vicodin, OxyContin, Percocet, codeine, and Fentora are perfectly legal despite being molecularly very similar to heroin, with a high risk for addiction."

It all smells like a conspiracy to me. You know what I am talking about. A citizenry weakened and crippled by a government sponsored bad diet and then medicated with government approved,   addictive drugs cannot actively resist or move to change that government.

Beyond that, nonaddictive, nonlethal, pain killing, cancer arresting, natural botanical medications like marijuana and cannabis oil are regulated as schedule one illegal narcotics by the federal government. This is ridiculous. It is criminal in itself. It is wrong on so many levels.

Consider that if cannabis were completely legal, it would put much of organized crime out of business. It would lower the nonviolent prison population. And it would stop addiction to the more dangerous, legal drugs mentioned above. So why does this not happen?

The pharmaceutical companies cannot patent a natural plant. There is no money in it for them. They are also the ones that run the FDA. It's like an interlocking directorate. Pharma company employees regularly take turns working for the FDA. It's like a circle of self congratulating academics approving each others' work to gain recognition and wealth. There is also the prison employment factor. Federal and state governments are heavily invested in the operation of penitentiaries and correctional facilities. If we have large prison populations, there will be more government jobs available. The United States has more people in prison than any other nation as a percentage of the overall population. What's that about? Money. Many industries serve the prison industry. It's big business.

These are just some of the reasons we see active resistance by the powers that be to things like marijuana. This is slowly changing state by state, but we need the feds to bend to these changes. It can start with taking cannabis off of schedule one. It should not be classified with addictive controlled substances like heroin. Marijuana is not addictive and it is impossible to overdose.

I invite you to do some research. You will find that cannabis and cannabis oil is being used for many things - fighting inflammation, treating nausea from chemo, fighting cancer itself (especially prostate cancer), and general pain relief. There are even varieties that contain lower amounts of THC that allow for treatment of whatever without the major buzz. It is medicine as God intended it. He created it. It should be used. The plant can also be used to make paper, rope, clothes and many other things. George Washington even grew it on his plantation in Virginia at Mt Vernon. That's good enough for me.

Just give cannabis another look. It should be legal for medical uses alone. So what if it gets used recreationally. It is less dangerous than that other popular and legal drug, alcohol, and it is less toxic. Actually, it is not toxic at all.

This is my opinion. I was a user in the late 70's and early 80's. At that time, for me it was an anti- depressant and it worked quite well. I am convinced that it probably saved my life because it drove away the suicidal urges that I was experiencing. It made me more fun in some ways too.

These days, my drug of choice is caffeine, another of God's natural, mood enhancing, thought focusing and harmless medications. Even so, if I became sick, I think I would turn back to this plant of my youth for relief and maybe a cure.

There is nothing wrong with it people! We have been lied to for decades by our government about many things. This is one of them.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The Lies

An elder in my church talked about lying during his communion meditation on Sunday. It got me to thinking about the whole issue of lying and how we use lies for protection, self aggrandizement and manipulation of our life situations. Lies are a ubiquitous part of our lives. We tell lies, we believe our own lies, we pass them on to the next generation. We even create our own lies about who we are in this world to fit whatever the collective consciousness of our local subcultures require.

It's interesting the lengths we will go to when we want to fit the model of our subculture. We will construct whatever "reality" is needed to make our lives work, even though that construction is based on lies. Some of this comes from who we are down deep inside. We examine who we really are. We see that it does not match the meme of the culture or subculture we were born into and so we adapt...with lies. We will construct stories, justifications, religious requirements and moralities to make this happen.

I have spent decades of my life trying to deceive everyone about who I am. The direct lie was never my approach. My methodology has always been deception through activities that make the real truth invisible and impossible to believe if discovered. I have used body language, voice inflection and physical control of my body to promote an image that was never the real me. For the most part I was/am successful. The only people that have figured out my real truth, my reality, without me actually telling them have been those that are engaged in the similar deceptions for whatever reason they might have.  It seems that liars and deceivers recognize their own kind. We know purposeful manipulation and distraction when we see it in others. Sometimes that works to the advantage of the liars and they/we will work together to keep the mythos alive for mutual protection.

I have been trying to get out of lying mode and this with some success. What I find is that I now have a low tolerance for others that are engaged in it. I just want to rip away the lying veneers that layer their lives and force them to show their cards. I am so tired of deception. I was never intended to be a magician, distracting people with sleight of hand and well placed words. People, especially those in places of leadership, need to know this about me. I am changing and there may be some collateral damage in the process. If your life is a tissue of lies and you interact with me or try to control or manipulate me for your own purposes, it will end badly. I am in a place now where I can no longer be embarrassed. I will cop to anything that I have done in a very public way if the accusation is righteous and true. I am not without sin even now. The difference is that I know this and, while I might have some guilt, shame and fear (of rejection) over it, I will spill it if it's true. So public accusation to distract others from your lies and veiled attempts at deception will not deter me from ripping off your layers of paint to get to your real colors. Bring it. I am ready.     

Then again....maybe this is all a deception to manipulate others and shift the fear. You just have to know how to work the system. Don't be tricked.  (;^))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Cart Before The Horse

We Christians are a weird people. Seriously. I know we are supposed to be peculiar, that we are to be the light and salt of the world, to be different from what passes as the world culture at large, but how is it that we are supposed to do that?

So many times and in so many ways we are willing to stand in public places and rail against sin and opposition to God, but we never address the real issues; the things that concerned Christ who is our Savior. You remember Him; the one that told us to go out into the world and build relationships with people to show them who He is - ya, that Jesus, God's Son (sarcasm is an old habit that refuses to die).

It seems that we spend way too much time telling everyone about the things we are against, the things we consider sinful and unrighteous; things that are in opposition to God's will.

Is this not getting the cart before the horse?

Again, seriously, if we want to win people to Christ, should we be beating them over the head with their sins, trying to pass laws to deny them this or that? Would it not be better to get to know them and show them Jesus through the way we live and treat them?

People outside the faith are not our enemies. They are our mission. If we hope to win them, we will not do it through public campaigns against abortion or gay marriage. We will do it by recognizing the things we have in common. We will do it through serving them and loving them even though or when they disagree with us.

And even if they should act like our enemies and treat us as such, how did Jesus say we should treat our enemies? Please see Matthew 5 - The Sermon on the Mount. Jesus says to love them, to give to them, to go the extra mile for them. No where does he say to enter into public debate with them.

The apostle Paul, who was quite righteous on his own and urged the same from other believers, never viewed his Gentile audiences as enemies though they were sinners in every sense of the word. They were His mission field and he went to great lengths to find common ground with them in the hope of building relationships and winning some for Christ. Check out Acts 17 and I Corinthians 9 for his philosophy of the mission field.

So Christian, if you want proper horse placement with regard to your cart, start with befriending the sinner and building relationship. If they come to faith, let Jesus deal with sin. Then you can both work together with Jesus to keep each other accountable and grow in you faith.

We were once all enemies of Christ. He offered us friendship and salvation through service to us. We are commanded to do the same for others whoever they may be. Now hitch up the horse correctly.

I think I'm done now.      

Psychosis, Neurosis, Brain Chemistry and Sin

It does not seem like those four things should go together, but I believe that at least sometimes they do. The spiritual nature of humanity and the chemical nature of the human body come together in strange ways in our brains. Our spirits use the resources of our bodies to move and act in the physical world. We are all connecting points between the spiritual side of creation and the physical side. You could say that we are all physical portals to the spiritual world. As I said, this all happens in our brains. As to where in the brain this happens is up for debate. Many have suggested the pineal gland is the seat of our souls. This may be true. I do not know.

It all sounds kind of 'new age', but really it's not. It's a notion that is as old as human history. When the Lord God created humans, He breathed life into their bodies. It's interesting that the Hebrew for 'breath' and 'spirit' are the self same. 'Ruah' can be translated three ways; as spirit, breath or even wind. The notion that the breathe of God imparts spirit and animation to a physical object is called life. Biological life is amazing, but a sentient physical and spiritual being is a work of art; something that could only exist at the behest of a benevolent Creator.

We are such beings. As David said, we are fearfully and wonderfully made - the work of His hands.

That being said, the wonder of it became confused and for some of us, it was lost. Since the beginning, we have made bad choices. Some have been spectacularly bad choices. 'Bad choices' is the politically correct name for sin if you were wondering what I meant. As I have instructed before, sin is anything contrary to the will of God. When we act in these biological and spiritual bodies that we own in a way contrary to God's will, it effects everything. Our bodies become corrupted. Our environments become corrupted. God's plan for His creations goes askew.

The immediate result for us is that the mechanisms of our bodies that were so perfectly created do not function as they were intended. The chemical and physical processes of our bodies break down. Death is the ultimate result of this, but during our time of life, things do not always go well for us to one degree or another. We struggle. Clear and spiritual thinking becomes clouded and the 'bad choices' continue because of it. I also believe that this propensity toward sin and bad choices is heritable. No one can live now and not sin in some way. It is impossible. And it is all because our spirits and our bodies no longer mesh properly.

The result and cause of the miseries we endure is bad brain and body chemistry. Some of us endure or struggle with this to such a degree that we become psychotic. Our brains simply will not process our realities properly. Psychoses like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or clinical depression have their roots in bad brain chemistry. These things also come through the corruption of all flesh which is the result of sin; bad spiritual genetics. They can also be exacerbated by our own sin and by spiritual forces that most of us are unaware of, but exist in the same time and dimension that we exist in.

Some of us are merely neurotic. We are not mentally ill in the classic sense of it, but we do endure the nagging problems of things like nonclinical depression, habitual lying, anger, malice and the list goes on. Brain chemistry can be at the root of these things too, but there are many things that stir that chemical soup and sin and guilt are two of them.

Modern psychology refuses to recognize the sin factor in their processes of treating mental illness and their pursuit of mental health. It is unfortunate. Wholeness comes we we are well both physically and spiritually, when soul and mind are in lockstep.

In my life, I have not met many people that enjoyed this level of mental and spiritual health. The ones I have known, were/are incredible people. The clarity of their minds and the purity of their spirits have inspired me and when I find them, I pursue them as friends hoping that some of it will rub off.
It's funny, but truth be told, these people are not really normal if you define normal as what most of us are. The definition of normal is always in flux as society changes and evolves, but the people I am thinking of do not. They are stable rocks in a sea of change. Thanks to y'all for providing something that the rest of us can cling to as the tide of the world tries to pull us out to sea. Escaping the undertow has been my goal for most of my life. I am now working on getting to shore. I'm almost there. My clarity improves daily. I hope this made some sense. It made sense to me.
            

Thursday, April 7, 2016

A Monument

In a text conversation yesterday with my old fishing buddy, Eric, I said that this blog was a monument to my own narcissism. He thought that was hilarious, and at the risk of putting words in your mouth buddy, I think you were laughing because you knew the truth of it.  

I do tend to be overly focused on my own issues as evidenced by my recent posts. I would like to think I put all this stuff out there to help others in my situation, but that would be only partially true at best. For good or ill, I do this because I have been so damn silent, denying everything, even to myself for so long. I have experienced nothing short of a controlled explosion of my psyche. And by "controlled" I mean that I hope that any damage to anyone or anything was minimal and that we can use it as an opportunity to remodel.

Beyond all that, I am at an age where I want to leave some kind of record of my existence. I will not live forever in my present form (thankfully). Someday I will separate from this old body and move on and since I believe my life experience may have some value to others, I want it to live on after I am gone. Given that the internet is a forever type place, a blog that is only about the things that I think seemed to be a logical way to do that.

An ancient and loyal friend commented on a previous post today (Robert) that I may be oversharing. Could be...could be. I will have to deal with that and continue to evolve accordingly. If this soul bleeding is bothering people, I apologize to you whoever you might be. We should talk about it if that is where you are with me.

I feel kind of light and airy this morning. I'm feeling the love out there - in here. I was sitting at Caribou this morning reading and writing and someone from church was here with her daughter. She walked up to me to say "Hi" and shook my hand and after a few kind words, she departed.

I really have to get out more and get to know y'all better. I might actually be a celebrity at church and not even know it. If you know me or know of me, I invite you to walk up and push my buttons. If I seem uncomfortable, that's OK. I was born uncomfortable. At church, we are always talking about getting out of our comfort zones. It's easy for me. I am always uncomfortable.

I am so funny.        

And please stop by the blog if you are in the mood. You can view the progress of my monument. If you have any suggestions, they will be taken into account. Just remember, this one is all about me...at least for now, but I will try to grow and move beyond that.

That's what all us narcissists say.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Learning To Love

This is a lifetime process for some of us. I know there are those of you that have always worn your lives on your sleeves. You've never had secrets. You've never had to fear reaching out to people or worry about getting too close to them because they might find out A or B about you and not love you anymore.

Well, I have experienced all of this.

Turns out that most people are not that uptight about the secrets of others. Normal folks have issues in their families and they try to deal with them as best they can given their circumstances. The fear and shame factor only seems to effect a certain few.

I grew up in a time and with people for whom embarrassment and shame was a major issue in how we conducted our lives. We did not talk about personal problems or family issues because no one could see the elephant in the room, and even if they could see it, no one would talk about it or acknowledge it. Like the English, everyone was expected to keep a stiff upper lip and do nothing that might in some way make the family look bad or imperfect. Keeping up appearances was more important than fixing the rot inside the woodwork.

When life is this way it becomes impossible for us to learn to love correctly and in a way that is Christ-like. We do not build relationships or close friendships because we do not trust others with our junk. The result is that life becomes a hollow shell or worse, you begin to lead two lives; one public and one private and hopefully unexposable and maybe even disposable as the need arises.

I cannot live this way. I have only ever been able to live one life and I have lived it in a very closed off and private manner because I did not feel comfortable being who I am with people I love. The fear of rejection has always been in the background, looming like a monster waiting to envelope me. I got so I would rather be alone and lonely than be with people because I was so paranoid about the junk in my life that I really had no answer for.

This is why I have been in the process of putting my life out on the table for everyone to see. This is why I have written about passed friends and experiences I have had. Getting the secrets out makes all the junk seem minuscule. What I am finding is that I am not alone in my struggle and this is what I was hoping for. Most people have junk. It may not be like mine, but it is junk nonetheless. If we talk to each other about it, empathy develops, love and understanding happens and all the nasty, self loathing and fear begins to disappears. Love floats to the top and everyone can cling to it until they get to shore.

My life is so much better since I have done this and I intend to continue to do this until everyone around me ceases to be uncomfortable about their personal issues, no matter what they may be.

I know this bothers some of you. I know some of you were probably upset with my post from Sunday about Robert. Get over yourselves already. All of that happened 35+ years ago. Until I wrote it, there were like only 5 people that knew about it. It was junk that needed to be unloaded. It had to be done. I would invite you to do the same. If you want to say it to me, I am ready to listen. I will probably not have an answer for you, but I will listen, I will empathize and I will pray for you. I am no longer afraid of the junk. I've got some more myself. Maybe we could share.

Time to clean up the yard and replace the rotting woodwork. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Robert

In the summer of 1975, I went to the Cincinnati Bible College. I went there right out of high school. I took some summer school courses to see how I would handle Bible college and to see if there was anything that I felt a calling to do. That's what I kept telling myself, and I did develop an interest in Old Testament history. I was hooked on the Old Covenant and wondering if I might really be Jewish :^)  It was all just a distraction though.

What I really wanted was help, love and God to speak to me. I had been praying since I was 12 that He would make me anything but what I was - what I am, and I wanted guidance from someone - anyone - to help me. I knew who Jesus was. I knew who God was. I prayed to them all the time; but I really did not know who they were in the deeper sense of it, what it meant to be saved or how His grace had made everything I was worried about unimportant. I was deeply confused.

I had been a Christian since I was 14 years old. I remember thinking at the time, "what have I gotten myself into" and there was really no joy in my conversion other than salvation from the fires of Hell. Some of this was due to my own ignorance, but I was certain that I would never make it as a Christian if God did not cure my same sex attractions. I could not understand how He could let one of His own suffer through such desires and not help. It was making me progressively more angry as each day went by. I began asking the question that Paul says we are not supposed to ask in Romans 9;

"who are you oh man who answers back to God; does the thing molded say to the molder, 'why did you make me this way'"

In the fall of 1975, I got a roommate. His name was Ken. He was from Cleveland and he was not like me...in any way. He was not like anybody at the school. He was a Catholic. He was a Charismatic. And he was very laid back. He worried about nothing. We were polar opposites. It drove me up a wall.

So I stressed about that. I stressed about being gay. I stressed about my studies and I was gradually freaking out about the intensity of my desires. I was not well. This went on until the fall semester of my sophomore year, 1976. That's the year I quit and transferred to Abilene Christian University. January of 1977. It was my intention to go there, take advantage of their free counseling program and get a liberal arts degree in political science and I did all these things. I was hoping that their counseling program could fix me - make me straight, or at least help me understand how to deal with this desire.

They tested me. They gave me a Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). They dissected my psyche with every blunt testing instrument available at the time. They determined I was deeply depressed, a bit angry (understatement) and borderline suicidal. I was all those things, but I was dealing with it very well. I refused the meds that they wanted to prescribe because it would have taken parental consent and I did not want to drag Dennis and Laurie into this for reasons I will not elaborate on now.

I immediately went into counseling. I told them what was at the center of my depression - that I has gay - and they immediately set me up with someone doing research in conversion therapy. This kind of thing was in it's infancy in the 70's and this particular doctor was using something called Visual Imagery. It involved the use of hypnosis, biofeedback and what amounted to soft core porn to try turning me from the dark side if I might be so bold.

It did not work. I did this through the spring and fall of 1977 with no real results. It did not help that I did not trust my doctor. I had a sense that he was a pervert in his own right. I was never sure what variety or even if its was true, but he kind of freaked me out. In retrospect, I think I would have been better off with a woman as my counselor, but even with that, I do not think it would have worked.

So I quit.

By that time, I was still angry at God, but I had discovered a way to calm myself and adapt. I continued the biofeedback on my own and then there was the pot that I had discovered in the summer of 1977 with the help of my friend Brian. It all worked to relieve the suicidal tendencies and depression.

I had a small group of friends. We were stoners for the most part, though we were not beyond the occasional enjoyment of beer. As for classes, I was doing well. No worries there.

However, there was a difference. I was not dating anyone (of course) and I did not want to. What was the point? I liked women and enjoyed their company as friends, but I would certainly never be able to marry one. The idea of straight sex put me off. It seemed unnatural if I am completely honest about it. Faking it seemed out of the question.

People wondered about me in that regard I am sure, but no one ever said anything to me. Maybe it was because I could be intimidating in a serious discussion or maybe it was because it never occurred to my friends that I could be anything but straight. It just never came up in, an out loud type way.

I plowed through the spring and summer of 1978 in a self induced fog. When the fall semester came around, my group of friends sort of began changing. New people entered the picture that I did not know. One of them was someone that lived down the hall from me in off campus housing. I began seeing him regularly everywhere I went and it seemed odd. He would turn up in the library restroom when I went in to take a leak. He would show up at my table at lunch. He was regularly with my group of friends even though we did not know each other that well. It was like having a stalker.

His name was Robert and we became 'very close friends' for almost a year and a half.

It started like this. I had a habit of taking in a couple of early classes and then going out for a jog while everyone else went to chapel. Running helped me with the depression (endorphins). It gave me some good exercise and it got me in the best physical condition of my life. After my run, I would return to my dorm and take a shower. This was off campus housing. My room had it's own shower and I did not have a roommate. It was bliss for so many reasons.  Lunch would always follow.

Anyway, one day my stalker tracked me back to my room. As I was exiting the shower, there was a knock on the door and I answered. I was standing there in nothing but a towel, still a bit wet. I opened the door and there was Robert. He was grinning from ear to ear. He looked me up and down. I felt like some kind of sandwich. I was obviously what was for lunch. He pushed me back into the room, closed and locked the door behind us, then he grabbed me and kissed me for what seemed like a century. His clothes came off. The towel came off. We wrestled and it went on from there.

This is the point where, in the old movies you would get fireworks or the train/tunnel scene. You know what I'm talking about. I will not tell you which one of us was the pitcher or the catcher. I will tell you that we were both capable in any position we chose to play. Sometimes it was a matter of who won the wrestling match, but I digress.
  
Two men in 1978 would probably not spend much time courting. We could do things together socially and in public without raising suspicion as long as we avoided physical contact, but in 1978, two men were not supposed to be too affectionate with each other. It was worse than inappropriate.

I do not think that we were ever in love in the classic sense. We never moved in together or made any serious commitment, but we did enjoy our relationship and each others company. Everything was good for the most part. As time went on though, it became a relationship of convenience.  

Robert and I did not have much in common. He was a sociology major. He was African American, about 5'10" and built like a wrestler. You could bounce a quarter off his butt. It was a beautiful thing and I did that once. Physically, he was very well equipped and in excellent condition. Very low body fat. He was beautiful, but he was also kind of stupid. This always worked to my advantage, but he would get even with me. He was bisexual. He would date women to piss me off and also expand his own horizons.

Robert and I ended it in the spring of 1979 when I graduated. He had two more years left. He wanted to get married and have kids. As it turns out, he did. I caught up with him in, I think it was 2006. I was on Facebook for about 90 days and looked him up. He had a daughter by his first wife. He ended up divorced because of a man he was seeing on the side. He married again. There were no children this time, but again there was another man and another divorce. He married a third time to a woman that came with her own family. She was also disabled. I do not think their relationship had a sexual component, but I do know that he had yet another man on the side. Robert seems never to have been able to quell his desire for men.

Robert was also a deacon in his church.

Life on the down low. I am glad I chose not to put myself through that. I'm not sure it's any worse though, than loneliness in personal terms. And if you are wondering, my "mad at God" phase finally ended around 1994. Several things happened to me that could only be described as a personal divine intervention. A desire rose in heart to go home. I pursued that. I started praying and it happened. I got a job transfer and moved back to Iowa. My life immediately started improving. By 1998, I was back in church and teaching Sunday school. I still do not know why I am what I am, but I know God loves me and I have come to believe that He wanted me as I am, because He never did 'fix' me. This will be hard for some to accept. If you were me though, you would have too.

There were many things here that I have left out like how I ended up back in Cincinnati in grad school in 1980, how I dropped out and went to work and even who I worked for. That will have to be for another time. I will say this. There was never another in my life that I was sexually involved with. In May of 1979, I began a period of celibacy that has lasted until this very day. After that time, I began to withdraw from almost everything. Work became my therapy. I did not darken the door of a church again until about 1994.

My life has been weird. I have learned many things about myself and others. It's hard for many to understand how one seemingly immutable fact about one's self can change everything and how graceless Christians can be when they find out about it. Praise the Lord though, that has changed. For the first time in my life, I feel like the church has become a safe place and a refuge.

I am different too; resurrected in some way that I cannot explain. It's more than just a maturity that I was lacking. It seems like God has actually been listening to me and doing things I never dreamed He would do. Maybe I was just not paying attention.       

Friday, April 1, 2016

Mixed Messages

Just a passing observation or three here.

When people change, they take others on the ride with them...even if they don't want to go. Drunks join AA and start annoying their friends in new ways as they work the 12 steps. Former smokers become anti smoking zealots, making their smoking friends miserable. People that take up a faith become whatever they think their new faith requires and in the process disrupt the lives of those around them with their new found philosophies. They want everyone to enjoy the light of their truth.

Me? I just need enough light to avoid stubbing my toe on the way to the bathroom. And I've got a blog to annoy people with stuff that pops into my head.  I'm set. Can I get that light for you?

(;^)

When people decide to make a change, it will always effect those around them in one way or another. Sometimes positive changes have positive effects. It can be good. Other times it is not. People in this process need to chill and offer the patience their friends gave them.

Another thought. What is the difference between justice and hate? Is it when justice becomes revenge?

God said, "Vengeance is Mine. I will repay." If we are created in God's image, then is an act of vengeance our way of being about our Father's business? Or is it just hate and revenge. I think God reserves real justice to Himself because only He knows the real truth of a given situation. Vengeance is the Lord's because only He can administer it fairly. Sometimes we just get tired of waiting for Him to act.

Why do I think about this stuff? It just gives me a headache. But you're glad I shared right? 

Are You Religious?

I hope not. I really do not like the words "religious" and "religion". They reek of superstition and the works of men designed to manipulate God. For example, "If I do this and this and this, God will do that" or the ever popular "I feel lead by (a circumstance or God) to do (whatever) or stop doing (whatever).

God is not a vending machine, a Ouija board or a pair of dice. Events of the day should not dictate some kind of ceremony. Simple prayer will do. Your answers may vary if you get one at all. Also, not praying may have yielded the same result. You may see the change you desired take place. You may not see that change or even the opposite result. It does not mean that God is or is not working. The important thing is to remain in communication with Him. Learn from whatever result comes and live accordingly. Above all, do not blame God for a lack of attentiveness or overreaction or anything else that may happen after your prayers. By this, I mean, saying this or that was His will. It may not have been.

Truly understanding God and how He works in our world requires minds much bigger than our own. Only Jesus ever truly knew His mind. We do not. We have insights from His Word, but that is the extent of it.

Someone says, "how can you stand such a dry faith?". It ain't dry Bubba. It is living and active. The fact that I do not use circumstance or feeling or an answering 8 Ball to dictate how I live out my faith, does not mean it's dry.

I have no doubt that spirits both good and bad are at work throughout the world. I can only see the result of their work. I cannot see them in action directly except through their human sponsors. The only influence I have is through prayer. God can do with my prayers what He wants. He is God after all. His picture is bigger than mine. He did bless me with 3.5 lb of brain. I suppose He expects me to use it and take responsibility when I do, not to act out of fleeting and self serving emotion that can mislead.

I know some of you think God is involved in the most minute details of you lives, shaping your reality to control it's outcome; that He uses circumstance and events to tell you what to do.

I think this is crazy. There is no proof of this. It is superstition. I know you believe it and you feel it, but how many times has it actually proven to be correct?

If God wants something to happen, it will. If He wants you to do something, it will be in the Bible. If you want to do something for God and there is nothing in scripture in opposition, then look to your reality and see if it's possible. It might well be God's Spirit leading you to do whatever. It might not be. It does not mean it is wrong or that God will not bless it. It just means you made a decision in faith to act. It may not go well. Be prepared for that. Above all, do not hold God responsible for failure. Many lives lead in faith end in tragedy and we do not understand why. In God's bigger picture it does not matter. If it brought Him glory, even for a moment, intention is everything. He will remember that.

Be faithful. Do not be religious. It's too dangerous.    

God's Specific Will For Your Life

A friend suggested the other day that I was uniquely placed to perform a certain function in God's church. This friend felt that it was my place and my calling. My response was, "If I am supposed to be doing this, why would God tell you about it and not me?"

My friend and I have not hashed this out yet and we may or may not do so. I overreacted to his presumption to volunteer me for this function and rightly apologized for it. I saw things in his motivations that were most likely not there. I am "gifted" with a conspiratorial view of reality. Perhaps that speaks way too much to my own motivations. Whatever. That's not what I want to talk about.

It is my thought that God has a general will for all of his people. It is laid out in scripture in the clearest possible terms. One of those "general will" things is finding something you are good at and doing it -  serving your church and others with whatever that is. I believe I have found this. I think it's teaching. I have been teaching adult classes in my church for over 17 years. I enjoy it. My students say they learn things and enjoy participating in my class. I think this is a good indicator that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. God did not tell me to do this. Someone handed me a teacher's lesson guide one Sunday and asked me to fill in for them and it went on from there. I stumbled into something that I could do, enjoyed doing and have continued to do for many years. To say that I know God wants me to do this specifically, that is teach, is a stretch. To say that he blesses me and fills me while I do it comes more from a feeling than any empirical knowledge of what He specifically wants from me. And that brings me to this.

The only way I would know specifically what God wants me to do is if He would say so directly to me. God has a general will for everyone who calls upon His Name and it is outlined in scripture. Everything else is just opinion...until God speaks.

In the Bible, God had a specific will and plan for many people. Among other reasons, this is why they are in the Bible. The thing that all of these people had in common was that God spoke in some way DIRECTLY to them. It was not a matter of divining circumstances or assuming a specialness not otherwise indicated and so taking on the mantle of a mission for God.  

God would call them in a very personal and "in person" way. The last people in history called directly by God to His specific will were the apostles. To my knowledge, no one...no one has received a personal visitation or revelation toward specific service since that time.  

In our time, only God's general will applies. His Word has been laid down. We are free to choose and try things in service to Him and His people. If we find something we are good at, we should do it. Worrying and hand ringing about "does God want me to do this" or "is God calling me to do that" is just stupid, egotistical and prideful. God wants you to serve. Find a way. Refine it with His help. Get good at it and do it.

There is no specific will from God for your life or mine. If there were, God would be talking to us. Instead, He speaks to us through His Word. He calls all of us to serve in some way. Let's just do it.

Let me close with this. There are things that you know you will not be good at. Think about those things and try to avoid them. Do not insert yourself into situations that you know will not work to God's glory or the growth of others. Stick to what you know and what you know you can do for others. You will not then fail.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Sin

We Christians spend a great deal of time railing against what the Scriptures call sin. We are not alone. Orthodox members of Judaism and Islam do the same. Sin is a common theme in the Bible and the Quran. I cannot speak to what the Quran says specifically. I do not know the book all that well. However, both the Torah and the New Testament leave no stone unturned in defining what sin is. Both testaments, old and new are very specific, but it all comes down to one thing. Sin is anything that is in opposition to the will of God. Sin can be an overt act or it can be a failure to act. It is rebellion against the Lord God.

There was a time in human history when sin was undefined or poorly defined. People did not know what was expected of them by their Creator because He had not spoken His will for humanity and it was not written down. Right and wrong were dependent on the human conscience which, while created by God, was bent by environment, the need for survival and of course, sin. There was also the desire to empower our selves and control others through any means necessary to ensure comfort and safety in desperate times. Such was the nature and origins of what we now call sin. Even so, we did not recognize what it was until someone wrote it down. Control and sin have a special relationship. If we place the Creator in control, sin becomes less common. When we place ourselves in control, sin becomes rampant. Violence increases. Hate and fear rule the day. This is why human law, even when it is based on God's law, fails to do what was intended. We are still giving ourselves the control, ignoring our Creator, refusing to recognize Him as God.

It is the character of God that defines sin. We are told by all three Abrahamic faiths that God hates sin or anything contrary to His character. In ancient times, those that were called by God to serve Him were those men and women whose hearts were pure enough to serve. Even so, they were imperfect and fell into sin themselves from time to time. Since the choices made in Eden, humanity and all creation have been bent and distorted by the effects of sin. The process continues to this day. The difference is that we know what sin is and we do it anyway.

Adam and Eve knew what sin was in their garden. God told them. There was one thing they were to avoid. One thing that they were not to do. They did it anyway and forever fogged the lens through which we see righteousness. God could walk with us no longer. Our negative choices separated us from our Creator. As the world population grew, that separation became more and more evident.

Eventually God started over again. He allowed the line of Cain to perish in the great deluge that is recorded in every civilization on earth and is recorded in the Bible. He preserved a remnant of the Sons of God, the line of Seth. This was Noah and his family, bit the corruption from Adam was also in their gene pool too. The propensity to sin was still strong. It became evident immediately after their exit from the ark. Noah's son, Ham was particularly afflicted. The result was that the world again fell into sin. Humanity again reached out to overthrow their Creator on the Plain of Shinar with the Tower of Babel. This plan was filed again by the Lord. He confused their language so that the peoples of earth could not unite as one and so they scattered across the planet.              

In the fullness of time, God called one man from Ur of the Chaldees to bear the gene pool that would ultimately bring the Hope of the world. This man was Abraham (initially called Abram). Abraham was not a sinless man, but he was a man of faith. Sometimes he failed in this regard, but God knew his heart and so blessed him as the progenitor of a new race - the Hebrews. Through his son, Isaac and his grandson, Jacob, the nation of Israel would be born. Among them, a man named Moses would rise to God's favor and become a leader of his people and it is through Moses that God gave His Law to the Hebrews and the world.

It is law that makes us aware that there is something wrong. It is law that condemns some behaviors and lifts up others. It is law that exonerates and executes. It is law that determines and defines civilization. Moses brought God's law.

Since God's law made sin apparent and made God's perfect character apparent, it showed everyone that no one was without sin. It showed the need for repentance and change of the human character. It showed the need for a relationship with other people and with God that was different from what had been. We must love God and love our neighbors if we wish to live in peace with our Creator and the world at large.

In a short time though, this view became lost and left unpracticed. It was replaced by the rote ceremonies to forgive sin and allow the people to do as they pleased. God wanted the peoples obedience, love and mercy. What He got was lip service and sacrifice. The law did not change hearts. It only condemned sinners.

What was needed was a sacrifice that would seal this breach, allow god to again dwell with His people and change their hearts.

So again, in the fullness of time, God raised up another prophet, but this one was different from any that had gone before. His Name was Jesus and He was God's very own Son. He came to teach the people and eventually the world through His legacy about His Father, about Sin and about entering into relationship again with God. For this, they crucified Him, but this was not unexpected. It was part of the plan, for in this act, the sins of humanity were paid for in full and God could now come in His Spirit to dwell with His people again - those that chose the path of faith.

It continues to this day in His Church - The Kingdom of God.     

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Visiting A Dead Friend

This afternoon I went down to Aquabi State Park to do some fishing. It's a beautiful park, but it was kind of windy and fishing was slow. Since I was close, I decided to drive over to Sandyville. If you don't know where Sandyville is, you are not alone. I had to look it up the first time I went. Today was my third visit. I have a friend from high school whose remains are buried in the cemetery there.

Brian Kirkpatrick was an unusual man. He had an IQ of about 150; incredibly intelligent. He could play the piano like Billy Joel. He could use words like they were knives - a quality I always admire - but, he could also be incredibly gentle - a quality I always envied. He died in 2002 in a tragic accident in his home. I was told he fell down the stairs during a bout of intoxication. Brian was also an alcoholic; scotch being his favorite. I'm sure it had to be a single malt scotch. Brian also had class, though he was not particularly class conscious.  

As I mentioned, we were friends in high school. He was the first person in my life besides God that I ever talked to about personal matters. Yes that's right. I never confided in anyone about anything until I was 15 years old.

Brian was able to put me at ease in those days and get me to loosen up and talk. He would talk to me too. It was easier for him though. He had less guilt. So we talked. We got to know each other. We shared secrets. One of those secrets was that we were both gay. Now I suppose some of you are saying, "ewooo", at this point and I fully understand that because I have always kind of felt that way about it too, but I was not offered a choice and neither was Brian. Being gay was more like an assignment that I failed. Brian did not fail. He pursued relationships throughout his life, and while Brian and I were friends, we were never lovers, so please take your "ewooo" back ok? Thanks.

Later, after graduation, I cannot remember exactly when it was, Brian was the first person to get me high. I'm thinking it was the summer of 1977 when I took my first bong hit. I was at his house. He had a stereo that was state of the art. Very high end. He would spin the vinyl all night and normally we would drink beer and talk, but not that night. He got out Big Orange. It was a bong that was about two feet long with a very large bowl. We both hit on that thing several times. Brian laughed at me and guided me as I discovered whole new worlds. The buzz was incredible. I was fully conscious and comfortably floating at the same time. Music became a new experience. Food became a new experience. Colors became a new experience. It was as if all those things were alive in some way - better - new and improved. Even reading was better. It was not until I entered the working world in 1981, that I gave up the weed. My use had become erratic after 1979 anyway, but it ended all together after I got a full time job.

Brian disappeared from my life for quite awhile. I do not think we spoke again until after I had moved to Cedar Rapids. He called me one night at home very late. I was a little shocked, but I immediately recognized his voice. This time he did all the talking. I got filled in on the missing years right up to 1998 or whatever it was. He had a life filled with sadness and tragedy interspersed with moments of joy and happiness. His current issue was over the death of his better half. His lover had died of AIDS. Brian had cared for him to the very end. They both lived very fast lives. After they met, Brian graduated from beer and pot to scotch and their lives got crazy. His roomie slept around I think, and that may be how he got the disease. Brian never did test positive for anything besides scotch. He lost his drivers license due to too may DUI's and a car crash. When we last spoke, he was working for Pioneer in Johnston as a techie at their help desk. He ended up a computer geek; an appropriate occupation. He was also in AA, working his 12 steps and that may be why he called me. He apologized to me for making a pass at me once many years ago. Nothing came of it - the pass. We were both buzzed when it happened and I forgot about it. Apparently he did not. It was nice of him to apologize, but totally unnecessary. We were good. I was hot back in the Day. He was not the only one. But I digress....

We talked on several occasions after that and exchanged many emails, then there was nothing. He seemed to drop off the planet. Then one day in March of 2002 I got an email from a new "friend" of Brian's. He had found our emails in Brian's computer and was curious. He explained to me that Brian was dead from an accident - the one described above. He said that he and Brian's sisters had tried to contact me to attend the funeral without luck. I learned later that they had called my parents house and my Mom refused to give them my number. Mom didn't like Brian for many reasons. Imagine that. Anyway, I was a little freaked about the whole thing. It was the first time I experienced a friend dying that was my own age. It was kind of a wake up call.

Other friends from my high school and college days have died, but Brian left a lasting dent in my soul. He was the first one to take a can opener to my psyche. He was the first one I ever opened up to because he did not judge. He was willing to be my friend. Now that's courageous. I would like to think that because of his grace towards others, God let him in. He was a nominal believer of sorts, though he did not care much for Christians. At the time, I didn't either. I still have my days...sorry.

Anyway, I went to visit him today. He was not there of course. There is only a black granite stone emblazoned with his name, his years and musical notes in the corners. It was kind of cool.

Brian, I miss you. I could have given you an earful today. A doobee would have been nice too, but I don't think that will ever happen again either. I think I'll put on the earphones and listen to some Elton. Shall we? Nope. Probably not gonna do that either. OK. Catch you later piano man!   
 

Monday, March 28, 2016

I Am In Pain

I can feel the age creeping up on me. I went out into the yard and worked today and my body feels like someone beat me with a tire iron. That might be an exaggeration. Maybe a whiffle bat. Whatever. My back hurts, I have a bit of a headache, but my left pinkie finger is intact. Let me explain. I was trimming the lavender back with a pair of garden shears. I would grasp a bundle of branches with my gloved left hand and I would trim with my right. You can get up some speed doing this if your shears are sharp. Mine were very sharp. On one swipe I clipped off the end of my leather glove pinkie finger. Fortunately, my actual finger was down a bit in the glove so there was no blood spurting trip to the ER. I did not notice this until I came into the house. It would have been a wake up call and that's no mistake and by the way, my wrists hurt too. Excessive clipping and trimming is the culprit.  On the plus side, lavender branches are very aromatic when clipped. At least things smelled good.

I am trying to recover with coconut water and aspirin. The coconut water has loads of potassium. It helps with my hypertension and muscle lubrication. I'm not what you would call buffed, but I do have some musculature left despite my age. I had roasted chicken in a wine sauce with broccoli and new potatoes for supper. Stouffer's makes some wonderful stuff. I know. Processed, microwaved food. Even so I was not going to stand through 45 minutes of meal prep. I am in pain. It had to be done. Dad had the mac and cheese. He loves it.

Speaking of Dad, it was day one of lawn mowing season. He got on it, figured out how to start it and mowed for a couple of hours. I was so proud. I really thought there might be an issue, but I guess he loves it so much, that he made it happen. Thanks Lord for that treat today. He is happy, tired and explaining the latest episode of Swamp People to Oliver the dog right now. He will sleep tonight. This is just what he needed. Maybe some sanity will return for a bit.

It warmed up quite a bit today. I'm hoping for a rainy day, maybe even stormy. I want to go fishing this week and a good low pressure system might help that. I know the water is still cold, but I might be able to stir up some interest with some live bait. I'm thinking large minnows down at the river where Four Mile Creek runs in. I bet them smallies would come out for a minnie. It's like shore lunch for a fish. There might be a walleye available too. We will see. Dad loves walleye. I would so be a hero if I brought home a walleye for supper. We will see what develops. All of this fantasy is of course based on my ability to walk in the morning. Right now I'm a cripple.

I am so sore. Getting old is a bitch. The last time I felt like this I had been running for 12 miles. Where are my endorphins when I need them? I am probably in this condition because I'm not getting any exercise. I need to remedy that I suppose. Right now, I'm feeling like I could sleep. Zzzzzz. G'nite.

           

Funny That

It's odd how just a few words in a public place can change things. Have you ever thought about that? Information is valuable in many ways. One of them is publicity. Yesterday this blog got mentioned in our Easter church service at church and traffic has increased considerably. Thanks Steve. I do appreciate it, but his may come with it's own set of problems. People will hold me responsible for the things I say. I do tend to shoot off my mouth, sometimes without much thought, but that is at least partially what TDGH is for.

Anyway....yesterday I had 102 blog hits; not bad for a holiday and a Sunday to boot (what does that mean? I don't know). Today I am already at 75 hits and moving up. I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by. Leave a comment if you like, even if you want to take me to task for something. I would love to hear from you. I like to think I communicate better in writing than in person. As an introverted personality, I like time to think about what I say. Writing allows me the privilege of editing.

Some of you that have read a few blog posts by now are wondering if I actually think about anything before I say it. In answer, I would say I do. I am flexible though. I do change my mind from time to time. I am not the absolutist that I used to be. Some times I react rather than think. Some times that works. Some times it does not. Whatever the case, I am glad you are here.

Yesterday's sermon was good; "What If Easter Never Happened?". It was dead on correct on so many levels. Indeed, western civilization would not exist were it not for Jesus Christ. Many would argue that Jesus' followers have done more harm than good. I would disagree with that. Christianity may have been upheld as the reason for many bad things, but generally speaking, it was more likely used by men with evil intent to justify their actions. The faith was not to blame for these atrocities. It is the faith that has held things together for so long. Only now in the age of the faithless do things start to fall apart. As People depart from Jesus, Islamic terror rises, families crumble, walls of fear go up and people become islands to themselves, failing to love their neighbors as God intended. And that does not even begin to describe how a life lived apart from God leads to destruction.

Anyway...good job Dave!

Have you ever wondered what is behind the mass emigrations of 3rd worlders to western nations? Being of a conspiratorial nature, my first thought is that western nations have brought this on themselves and maybe with purpose. Interventionist westerners have created havoc in the homelands of these peoples and displaced them, forcing them to look for other places to live. I could go on about that, but I'm not sure it would be productive or solve the problem.

There was one other thing that occurred to me not long ago in this regard, and its got nothing to do with any spiritual insight, though it may have been God that made me think about it.

What if it's God that is sending these people into the west? We did not go to them in the spirit He intended, so now he is sending them to us. Possibly. What could His purpose be?

Maybe He wants Europeans to come to grips with their Christian roots again and rediscover a life of faith. Maybe He wants Americans to share the gospel with these people. Whatever the case, there seems to be a power behind this mass movement of people greater than the manipulations of governments and other power brokers. Westerners are being put to the test. Will we embrace our faith and love our neighbors or will we radically over react to them? Interesting question.

Nationalism is on the rise here and abroad in Europe. What happens next is anyone's guess. Thoughtful compassion is the key. We cannot just hand them the keys, but we can show them how to use their own keys. Culture clash is inevitable. Some things will not change without the interjection of the Faith into the lives of these people. If they have no reason to restrain the savagery of the cultures that they leave, they will continue it here. We must bring them the Peace that Passes All Understanding.

Can we learn to love sinners as much as Jesus did? Even when He was nailed to a Roman cross, he managed to forgive and offer grace. The thought overwhelms my mind. How do we love people that commit crimes against our way of life, our nations, even ourselves? I think we have to remember who we are and where our citizenship lies. We are not Americans or Brits or French or white people or whatever. We are citizens of the Kingdom of God. Our lives were paid for by the blood of our King. How can refuse this honor to others? We have to bring them in do we not? If I'm right, it will change them...Jesus will change them.

If you are one of those hate laden Christian bashers that takes everything they hear in the media about Christianity as fact, then you are not going to understand what I am talking about and you are a bigot in your own right. I would ask you to look beyond your own preconceived, media manipulated opinions and consider how there would be no civilization without without Christian thought. Imagine people living by their own moral codes in complete disregard to others. This is where we will be soon unless we embrace Jesus. Do not let your heart harden to the possibility of an unselfish peace.

To you that call yourselves faithful, I would say love. Jesus did not put conditions on His love for you. Why would you put conditions on yours? You may well have an immigrant next door because God put them there. Instead of buying a gun and a burglar alarm, invite them to church. You are a subject in His Kingdom first. If you are not, then something is wrong with your faith Christian!

I need to go. I'm rambling. Such is the way of old men. See ya in church.         

Sunday, March 27, 2016

He Lives

Jesus Has Risen

24 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ Then they remembered his words.
When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! Jesus Christ is alive! His empty tomb is our guarantee of resurrection. We will live again. His blood paid for our salvation. His life guarantees our righteousness before God. It is done. The Kingdom of God is here.

Let us never lose sight of the cost of our salvation and the One that made it possible.

Lord Jesus thank you. I am your humble servant forever. See you soon!

Saturday, March 26, 2016

My Mother Visited Today

Well, no. Not really. She died about 5 years ago (May 31, 2011), but she made herself known to me today from "beyond" in a way that was just plain weird.

I was in the downstairs bathroom putting some stuff in the cupboard under the sink. As I bent over, reaching in, I noticed the rug on the floor was getting worn. It was kind of stuck to the tile too. Not good. And some of the rubber backing was coming off of it. So I decided to take it up and get a new one. I still had some more things to add to the cupboard and it was requiring me to move other things, but I was running out of room. There was something in the back blocking my progress. I reached farther in and there was something that felt fuzzy like yarn.

I grabbed it and pulled it out. It was a throw rug that was exactly the same color and size as the one on the floor and it was new.

Mrs B had to be the one that put it there. Apparently she was ready for the change 5 years before I ever noticed. She was always prepared. I wish I was more like her in some ways. I'm missing her today. I know Dad is too. When I told him about it, he laughed and teared up at the same time. The he asked me where he put the rain gauge. The conversation deteriorated from there.

I wonder where Mom would be with Dad's situation right now were she alive? I wonder what she would think about how I've chosen to handle things? I miss her guidance. Sometimes she was too careful and other times she was right on the money...especially when it involved money. Oh well. I will never get the answers to those questions now.

Lord, I still do not know why you chose to pull her out of here so quickly. What were you thinking? I suppose You won't answer me either. You and Mom are having a good laugh about the rug aren't you? Stop it...thanks.     

Mood Swings

I know that you could probably care less about my mood swings, so if you want to back out now, who could blame you? Others of you that know me probably think I am a tower of stability, never flinching, cracking, emoting or feeling. I have been described alternately as Mr. Spock or Sheldon. I am not nearly as smart as either one of those imaginary characters, but I do sometimes envy them their demeanor.

Despite my exterior of marble, mood swings have been a part of my life like forever. Today was no different. I woke up in a nice place. I was not sad or happy or anything but content. I was feeling some motivation and thinking about what I was going to do today. I had some coffee, took a shower and shaved and then dressed. I made a grocery list and headed out for my Saturday errands. I pulled up Chris Rice on the thumb drive I have plugged into my truck stereo and started driving to the gas station.

Music alters my consciousness. I'm not sure how that works, but in the space of a few minutes, it can make me want to dance (no one wants to see that - trust me), to sing (another bad idea) or weep. It's usually the combination of the words and music that will do it. Three Christian artists do this to me; Rich Mullins, Andrew Petersen and Chris Rice. Anyway, Chris was on the box. I was parked outside the car wash entrance, dancing in my seat as he sang "Smellin Coffee". It's a great morning song. The "glad" hormones were flowing. After I pulled into the car wash, I put on "Thirsty" and I was suddenly spiritual and reflective and by the time the song was done, the truck was also clean. After that I went to get some fuel and then departed for the grocery store when Chris started singing "Missin You". The tears began to flow as I pulled into the Hy Vee. Chris had me thinking about Jesus and Easter and how much I really want to see Him. After talking to Jesus for a few minutes and trying to compose myself, I went into the grocery store to fulfill my list of stuff.

The grocery store always makes me happy. It is a place of plenty and abundance. It is a place of variety and happy people of all sorts. It is also a good place to for a Ground Hog to observe life outside of his tightly drawn circle of security and safety. It's fun...usually.

Today, I bumped into a couple of guys shopping together. At first I thought they were brothers, but then my gaydar went off. I've tried to train myself not to make assumptions about people, but these two had all the signs of being married and involved in a very deep relationship. They did not look gay if you know what I mean, but they did not act like a couple of guys that were doing the shopping for their wives either. These two knew each other way too well to be just BFF's.

Anyhow, these two managed to produce some envy in me. I suddenly wanted what they seem to have even though I know nothing about their actual relationship. Odd that. I am usually more sensible.

Despite this I trudged forward in fulfillment of my list when I suddenly heard a child screaming and crying like his arm had just been cut off. I looked up and saw a mother with her two boys. The mother was pushing her cart with one arm. The youngest boy was sitting quietly in the cart and she had her other arm wrapped around the waist of what looked like a big 4 year old that was screaming, "No Mommy, stop. Don't do this..." and crying himself hoarse. She did not seem to be hurting the boy, so I don't know what the screaming was about, but it was very unsettling.

I was sensing abuse, though there was none apparent. This child seemed to be horrified by what this otherwise normal looking woman was doing. I suddenly felt awful. I felt alarm. I felt terribly sad.

Now it could be that this kid was just a brat that was putting Mom in the worst light possible or it could be that she's a real bitch that was going to stick the kid's hand under the hot water faucet when she got home. I never know what to do when I see things like this...so I did nothing.

By the time I got to the checkout line, my horror had switched to guilt, when suddenly the checkout guy asked me if I found everything I needed. I looked up and... and he was beautiful. I knew at that moment why I go to Hy Vee. That helpful smile in every aisle is going to get me in trouble one of these days. I don't know if I blushed, but when he asked me how I was, I said "perfect". It's a good thing the grocery list was short because I was getting flirty.

Yes, I'm a terrible person sometimes. Deal with it.

After that, I went to Caribou and promptly ordered a large cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso. I really needed it. Focus was beginning to drain away. This time it was my turn to get flirted with. The women behind the counter know me and my order by name and are always way too nice to me. Even in my advanced years, there is apparently still something attractive about me. I'm not sure what it is, but I wish it would go away.

As I made my grocery store exit, I was thinking that my grocery store experience was everything I wanted it to be. I was content again.

See what I mean? I am a roller coaster of moods. If I actually took any of them seriously, my life could be a soap opera worthy of a Jerry Springer episode. It comes down to what I have always maintained. It's brain chemistry. Feelings are chemical reactions produced in our brains. Those chemical reactions can create a real mess if control is not exercised. Right now my 5 shot cappuccino is driving me to write this. I will most likely be embarrassed that I even talked about it tomorrow, let alone discussed it on the internet for the world to see. For now though, I feel just fine about it. It's a good thing I quit drinking (:^0            See ya in church.

Friday, March 25, 2016

A Million Miles Wide and a Half Inch Deep

It's Good Friday and much like 2000 years ago, the entire world is hanging by a string. The fact that the string never breaks is, to my mind, a testimony that God is in control after all. He gives us choice and also uses the events of the day to create the future. Even the worst disasters seem to work themselves out in the end. But I digress.

The ongoing election disaster continues to flare today. It's being reported by the National Enquirer, yes the tabloid, that Ted Cruz has had no less than 5 mistresses during his marriage. The NE article is discussed on The Last Refuge blog in detail. The writer believes that he has identified 3 of these women and that the story has legs. I have suspected for some time that Ted had feet of clay (as all men do). That this should be so easily discovered should tell you much about the candidate's lack of character. For you Christians out there that think Ted is the epitome of Christian leadership, you might want to do some research. Faith and politics do not combine satisfactorily. If God wanted us to run the government, He would have said so. He did not. Please show me in scripture where this was said, even indirectly. Leave governing to the people that have no scruples. Christian, you are better than that.

There are those that say American Christianity could also be labeled "Christianity Lite". It tastes great and is less filling. Generally speaking, so is cotton candy. Even so, I wonder about the truth of this. How will we stand when the hammer falls or the blade of Islam is at our necks? Do we fight or run or suffer martyrdom as our predecessors did? Where will our faith be when we are tested for real? Some of us will, I suppose, fold like a stack of cards. Others of us will stand because we know how to do nothing else. I think this time of testing is coming. We need to pray for ourselves in this regard; that we might stand as Jesus stood on Good Friday for all of us. The time is coming.

The shallowness and enormity of the Christian community in the US startles me. We are, in many respects, a million miles wide and a half inch deep. So then, let us pray for depth, that we might stand in the great and terrible day. We must build that relationship with our God. We are His adopted sons and daughters saved by His grace. His Son, our Brother Jesus, died for us. Are will willing to do the same for Him?  As you read what's below, think about how much you love Him and what He did for you so that you could be with Him. Are we worth this? God thought so.

Matthew 28:27ff     

Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. 28 They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29 and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand. Then they knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the Jews!” they said. 30 They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. 31 After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

The Crucifixion of Jesus

32 As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. 33 They came to a place called Golgotha (which means “the place of the skull”). 34 There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. 35 When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 36 And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. 37 Above his head they placed the written charge against him: this is jesus, the king of the jews.
38 Two rebels were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. 39 Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads 40 and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!” 41 In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. 42 “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! He’s the king of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43 He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” 44 In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

The Death of Jesus

45 From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. 46 About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,[c] lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).[d]
47 When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “He’s calling Elijah.”
48 Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. 49 The rest said, “Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Elijah comes to save him.”
50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.
51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[e] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.
54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Sharing a Brownie

I don't know how old they are - maybe late 70's - but there is an old couple that comes into Caribou every morning for coffee. Today they are sharing a brownie with their coffee and talking quietly. They seem to genuinely enjoy each others company, I have no idea how long they have been together, but I think that they would not do well apart. Their oneness is showing. People like these two seem to die together. My Aunt Mabel and Uncle Lee were like this. They died a week apart.

I envy you people that can keep this kind of relationship going for decades. It is nothing short of amazing to me to see how two people can compliment and complete each other in this way.

I find myself wanting this, but at the same time, I do not think I would be successful. There are times when I require solitude. The input of others is like static on a radio to me. I just want to reach over and shut them off or out as the case may be. This is probably not conducive to a life of shared brownies and quiet conversation.

I like being alone. I don't know if it's pride or selfishness or fear, but solitude is a glorious thing to me. Is it possible to have a life partner and still enjoy time off from the relationship? Does that kind of arrangement destroy the oneness and single-mindedness of true partnership? Most normal people know the answer to that question. I do not.

I have also observed other aging couples that lose their partner and their life changes in many positive ways. It seems cruel, but the release of the dead weight invigorates them and they become more active and vital in their communities of friends. Others seem to be racing to the grave...which one will go first. Perhaps, even though these people have spent their lives together, they have come to resent each others presence? Commitment rather than love is what binds them, or maybe it's just puerile stubbornness or worse, a fear of being alone. Whatever it is, they are driven to fulfill their commitments to each other, even it it's simply spite. Funny that!

I have come to realize in recent years, and too late, that we humans are not complete when we are alone. God was on to something when He said, "it's not good for man to be alone." I suppose He would know. He's the one with the human blue prints.  Whatever.

I have tried letting Him fill that void in my life. Jesus is a good partner, but I can't argue with Him or share a brownie with Him in public without people thinking I'm crazy, but maybe they think that anyway. Jesus never seems to eat much. I would get the whole brownie. That's a plus.

Lord, I do not know why You made me as I am. It's a genuine mystery. I am weird for many reasons besides the obvious one. Nevertheless, like You, I am what I am. I love You. We are stuck with each other and dying will not get me out of that. So here's to a brownie and some quiet conversation in Paradise. In the meantime, I think I will eat this one myself.