Ads You Will Never See Again

Please forgive my absence. I've been derelict in my duty. I found these while I was trolling the internet for the latest conspiracies. They are not conspiratorial, but they are funny. The ads below come from a simpler time when men were men, women were housewives, gay meant happy and things that are vices were virtues, or at least useful and not evil. Please enjoy them in the spirit intended.

Bad Joke Friday

Two Greeks met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their mother country.
The other motioned for him to stop and said, “We’re in America now. Speak Spanish!”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
“Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed over three motorcycles.”

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the kitty out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
The man kept taking the cat farther and farther and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat out there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
“The one on the left costs $500,” says the store owner.
“Why so much?” asks the customer.
“Because it can program in C,” answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1,500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.”
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. “That one costs $3,000,” answers the store owner.
“3,000 dollars!!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant.”

Bad Joke Friday

Redneck Condominiums

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”

Redneck Calamari

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, “There’s a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?”
He told her there was a can under the sink.
“Honey,” she called. “This is ant-and-roach spray.”
“Well,” her husband replied. “Don’t show him the label.”

Keepinercool

A computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came, there was an accompanying note:
“We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. We hope this pleases you.”

These two deer hunters were out on a hunt, and they were lucky enough to bag a really big buck with a nice set of antlers.
Excited and eager to get their trophy home, they grab the buck’s tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull, but the big buck just won’t budge.
Another hunter comes by and says, “Excuse me, but you might find it easier if you drag that buck from the other direction. That way the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
The two hunters thank the other man for the advise. They each grab an antler and start pulling.
A little later the man passes them once again. “How’s it going?” he asks.
“Great!” the hunters reply. “Just one problem. We’re getting farther and farther away from our truck.”

Following the recent sex scandal involving the Secret Service during the president’s recent visit to Colombia, the agency has issued new rules of conduct for agents:
Henceforth, agents can no longer get drunk, procure prostitutes or go to strip bars. If agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they must run for public office like everyone else.

Bad Joke Firday

A young lady visited a computer dating service and inquired, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’”
“So we stopped playing chess.”

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers digging holes along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn’t figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: “The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.”

A lady called up a pet store and said, “I’d like to order 2,000 cockroaches.”
“What in the world do you want with 2,000 cockroaches?” asked the astonished clerk.
“Well,” she replied, “I am moving today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found it.”

Facebook Divorce

The Facebook IPO may be failing miserably, but something else is up. Quentin Fottrell of Smart Money magazine says it may be wrecking marriages.

More than a third of divorce filings last year contained the word Facebook, according to a U.K. survey by Divorce Online, a  legal services firm. And over 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys say they’ve seen a rise in the number of cases using social networking, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “I see Facebook issues breaking up marriages all the time,” says Gary Traystman, a divorce attorney in New London, Conn. Of the 15 cases he handles per year where computer history, texts and emails are admitted as evidence, 60% exclusively involve Facebook.
“Affairs happen with a lightning speed on Facebook,” says K. Jason Krafsky, who authored the book “Facebook and Your Marriage” with his wife Kelli. In the real world, he says, office romances and out-of-town trysts can take months or even years to develop. “On Facebook,” he says, “they happen in just a few clicks.” The social network is different from most social networks or dating sites in that it both re-connects old flames and allows people to “friend” someone they may only met once in passing. “It puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair,” he says. Facebook declined to comment.

Did you get that? More than one third of divorce filings mention that Facebook is in some way involved. Is this not a good reason to get out people? Just sayin...and I hope you were not stupid enough to invest.

Second Timothy 1:8-12

According to the New International Version for the Bible, Second Timothy 1:8-12.

So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given to us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our savior Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. And of this gospel  I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

Commentary

So Paul continues to encourage Timothy, urging him not to be ashamed of what he has been called to do - which is preach the gospel. Paul did not want Timothy to be timid or fearful of what might happen. Instead, he wanted him to push forward, without regard to the result, even if it meant persecution.

Paul didn't want Timothy to be ashamed of him either. There may have been a concern that people might take Timothy less seriously if they knew his chief mentor was in prison. The thing that Timothy needed to remember was that Paul was in prison for doing what was right. He was really a prisoner of Christ and not Rome.

It was more important that Timothy seize the power granted him by the Spirit and join Paul in suffering for the gospel. Timothy had to make a choice. He could trust God or cower in fear.  

Paul then lists some very important reasons for Timothy's perseverance. Paul reminds him that it was God that saved them. It was God that called them to a holy life. What's more, it was not because of anything meritorious that they had done. Rather, it was because of God's divine plan conceived before creation; one that would offer salvation to all humanity. It was a plan revealed through the saving work of Jesus; a plan that would destroy the powers of sin and death forever.

How could Timothy shrink away from that? He couldn't and neither could Paul. Paul said frankly that this was why he was in prison. God had called him to preach and spread the word and God's calling had landed him with a death sentence. But he would not be deterred by this. He refused to be ashamed, but instead, chose to stand firm. Why? Because he knew that what he believed was the truth, that Jesus Christ is the only hope for a dying world. It was for this reason that Paul knew God would take care of him, even in suffering and death. Paul wanted Timothy to embrace this attitude.

Questions

1) Paul urged Timothy not to be ashamed of Jesus or his calling or Paul and that situation. Why would shame be an issue here?
2) What would people think if they knew your best friend was in prison?
3) Have you ever suffered for your faith?
4) Suppose a church elder is falsely accused of something at work because of his moral stand on an issue and gets fired simply because his accusers thought his attitude was hateful or bigoted. What should our response be to this elder? Is this persecution for your faith?

5) Why did Paul invite Timothy to join him in suffering?
6) Paul explains that God saved us to fulfill his purposes. We receive his grace and so we serve. Nothing we did brought us this salvation, but we still have to deal with the bad times and hang on to our hope of salvation. Why can't the Christian life be pain free? Why is it sometimes so difficult to be a Christian? Or is it? (John 16:33)
7) In verse 12 Paul says he knows what he believes and for that reason he's willing to trust God with the outcome. What are you willing to entrust to God's care?
   

Second Timothy 1:1-7

Second Timothy 1:1-7 according to the New International Version of the Bible:

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, according to the promise of life that is in Christ Jesus.

To Timothy, my dear son: Grace, mercy and peace from God the father and Christ Jesus our Lord.

I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift  of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline.

Commentary

So Paul, now facing execution in the very near future, begins his last known letter to Timothy, his young protege. His words are not the words of a condemned man, but instead, they are full of hope. He talks of Christ's promise of life. He uses words like grace, mercy and peace - even in the face of immanent death. He also expresses his thanks to God. He knows he's done nothing wrong. His conscience is clear. The simple fact of the matter is that he is in prison for serving God; for doing what he is compelled to do.

But he also remembers Timothy in his prayers. He remembers their last parting in Macedonia and how Timothy wept. Paul would really like to see him now. Few things would have made him happier.

It was the sincerity of Timothy's childlike faith that had impressed Paul; a faith handed down to him by his mother and grandmother. It was not bogged down with pretense or a desire for self aggrandizement. It was simple, pure and strong. Timothy trusted God and Paul longed to fellowship with him because of that.

Paul also wanted for Timothy the best things that such faith and trust in God had to offer. So he urged Timothy to press on, developing his spiritual gift that Paul had passed on to him. He told Timothy to fan into flame this God given gift. He was to use it for God's glory and the good of God's church. More to the point, he was not to be timid about it, but allow the Holy Spirit to use it with power and love and in self discipline. After all, what good is a gift if it's hidden or unused because of fear?

Questions

1) So if you were in prison, facing your death, how would your letter to a friend sound? Would it begin like this one?
2) Why does Paul talk about having a clear conscience?
3) What makes for the kind of sincere faith that Paul says Timothy has? (James 2:18-26)    
4) Paul opens the letter on a note of self confidence. There is no doubt in his mind that God has called him to serve as an apostle? What has God called you to do? How can we be as confident as Paul was?
5) Who does Paul credit for Timothy's sincere faith?
6) Paul urged Timothy to fan into flame the gift of God passed on to him by Paul. What does he mean by this? What does it mean for us?
7) What are these gifts for?
8) Timothy was apparently a bit reluctant to make use of his gift - so much so that Paul thought he was being timid in its use. What is it that prevents us from making use of our gifts?

An Introduction to Second Timothy

Second Timothy may well be the last letter that Paul ever wrote. At the time of its writing, Paul was imprisoned in Rome for a second time. This time it was quite serious.

His first imprisonment was mild by comparison. At that time he was permitted to live in a rented house while he was under arrest waiting for trial; a trial that his accusers never showed up for.

Now though, things were different. His accusers were imperial and his prison was quite real. Probably a dark, damp dungeon where he was chained to a wall - rat and filth infested. His fate may already have been decided. The impression Paul gives is that his death is near.

As we study this letter, please take the time to consider Paul's attitude, his faith and how he still cares deeply about the evangelism of the world. Even in the face of death, Paul stands firmly on God's promises and the hope of a better life to come. To his grave he upheld the standards that Christ gave him to live by, proving himself to be the greatest missionary that ever lived.

He wrote this letter for three basic reasons. First, he was probably lonely. He had been deserted by many of his friends and those that remained loyal had trouble finding him. He also wanted to see Timothy again - so much so that he asked him to come to Rome. Secondly, Paul was concerned about the state of the church and how it would hold up against this first official state persecution under Nero. And third, he also wanted to address the Ephesian church through Timothy specifically and thank the faithful members and those that had stuck with him to the end.

Paul probably wrote this letter sometime in AD 66 or 67. Tradition says that Paul was beheaded toward the end of Nero's reign and Nero died sometime in AD 68.

Bad Joke Friday

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was
already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute
the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up
and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written
anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83-years-old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel as good as the day I was born.”
“Really? Like the day you were born?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”
One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”
“A good question. At 300 feet, you’ll start to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know”?

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota, The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena’s house.
As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back toward the house.
It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?”
Lena replied, “Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!”

A Dog's Life; A Cat's Life

 

Bad Joke Friday

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.
“I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”

 


The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
“Can’t you see, Ben,” intoned the parson, “that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?”
“Well, I sort of disagree there,” replied the backslider. “It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.”

 
Iran just produced a new stamp with a portrait of Mahmoud Ahmadinejab on it.
But the Iranian post office reported the new stamps keep falling off the envelopes.
Ahmadinejab demanded an explanation. One brave post office official suggested the people were spitting on the wrong side.
 

A black man, an illegal alien, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
“Hello, Mr. President.”