Monday, August 8, 2016

Do I Make You Uncomfortable?

Ya...I do make people uncomfortable. I like to talk about things that do not usually come up in polite conversation. It's not because I do not know what is appropriate. It's because 'appropriate' is boring, dishonest and sometime hypocritical. This is not to say that I am not sometimes boring or dishonest or hypocritical. It is to say that I like conversation to be interesting if I am going to take part in it. I also enjoy provoking people to see their reactions. That may be a bit evil. Oh well.

I picked up the habit from an old friend. She was very good at it. It is a way to control the conversation too. Initially I would use it to deflect closer examination of who I was. Now, I do not care about that. It is the advantage of not having many secrets.

When I was younger, everyone and everything made me uncomfortable. I still have days like that, but less of them. I enjoy the difficulty that I and others have with discussing difficult personal matters. It's like removing a splinter from a finger. It feels so much better after it's over and it was definitely worth the process.

I was talking to someone yesterday at church that is a fairly new friend. I'm not sure how she feels about me now though. Her husband suggested that she and I were much alike, that we had much in common. I looked at her and said, "so, you like men too."

It was a priceless moment. I loved it and in that moment, I loved her. She was honest with me. She said I enjoyed making people uncomfortable. She is right. I do. It's a controlling type of behavior, but it is also me paying back the world for making me uncomfortable for decades.

I like it when people take a close look at themselves and me and think, "is this relationship worth the pain it will involve?"

If you are going to love me, it is going to cost you. I am very expensive in terms of patience, tolerance and longsufferance. You will have to decide if it's worth it. Many, many have moved on.

If you care to join me , I think you will find it a rewarding experience. Come and grow with me. Next time you can make me uncomfortable. There will be a bonus if you can make me blush. It's not as hard as you might think. I look forward to it. See ya in church!

This Week In the Ground Hog's Reality

The first thing here is a synchronicity note. I have been seeing little people. The politically incorrect word is 'midget'. I know the Iowa State Fair will start this week, but I do not think any of these little ones are involved in it. There is the whole dwarf tossing thing, but technically, these guys aren't dwarves and I don't think they do that at the fair anyway. It's not what you'd call a growth industry, but it's fun to watch. I always wanted to do that for a United Way fund raiser at work, but the idea never seems to take off.  For one thing, dwarves are hard to find and where do you rent those harnesses?

Anyway, on two occasions at two different grocery stores, I have seen them working the Frito Lay displays. They bring their own ladders. It's kind of cute. I keep wanting to suggest to them  that they follow the yellow brick road. That would not be politically correct, but I bet it would get a laugh.

I went to breakfast at Hy Vee this morning. There were people coming out of the restaurant from the church that I go to ready to advise me on the specials. Very kind. I had 3 eggs, bacon, hash browns and an English muffin. There was another dwarf having breakfast in the next booth. I tell you, they are ubiquitous.

Church was a mixed bag yesterday. I was having a lot of guilt over being so damned horny. I am still kind of wired. I am not sure what is going on with me. It's like one last surge of testosterone before old age sets in. I know I have mentioned this before, but I think my testicles are growing. I have complained in the past that they seem to hang lower and lower with age, but I think now that they are actually getting bigger. What is up with that? I don't know, but I tell you what, I am too old to be having another growth spurt.

Yesterday, my Sunday school teacher politely suggested that my problem was not loving Jesus enough. If I only desired God more, I would be better able to deal with being so sorely tempted.

Karla, I love you, but seriously honey, you have no idea. I have been living with this all my life and like Himself, it is a part of me. I know that when I 'burn' He burns with me. It does not make it any easier. This is not an ordinary urge or a temptation or a desire. This is not a mere attitude problem.  This is like trying to deny that I have a right arm or enormous head. It brings new meaning to "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."

I do not say these things to piss you off or even to say that you are wrong (though I believe in this case you are). I say them because I need to share my pain with another flesh and blood person that I know loves me (and thanks so much for that Babe!).

More digression.

After church yesterday and out in the church parking lot, I got invited to lunch next Sunday. I am looking forward to it. Ya, I know, that's weird. Me looking forward to socializing. Actually, it's amazing. The church homo, that's actually a bit of an Aspie, gets invited to lunch. That almost never happens, I'm sure. When he says yes, it's a miracle.

Anyway, Dawn and John, I am looking forward to it. You may have to tell me when it's appropriate to leave. Or I could just stay out in the garage if that's OK ;^)

Dawn, you did tell John I was coming right? I guess he knows now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I digress...

I've been trying to re-ingratiate myself with the leadership at church so I can get my 0800 class back in the fall. I think I may be making progress. I have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss it. I am ready to go. Not sure if they are ready for me though.

Tomorrow morning I take Dad to the neurology clinic at Iowa Methodist. I hope to get a better bead on Dad's Alzheimer's / dementia issues. I expect they will order some tests. Dad has created his own reality in some very special ways. He thinks I am two people, that every car that drives past his house has been repainted, that the neighbor down the road is operating a business out of his house that involves the use of Dodge Caravans and the Mexicans steal our apples. The folks on TV talk to him, can hear him and see him.  And you can tell him of the impossibility of all of this, but he does not believe it and he does not believe there is anything wrong with him either.  Denial is not a river in Egypt. Anyway...again, I digress.    

Saturday, two of three Angels and Jeffery are going to the fair. I hope we will see the third Angel at some point during the carnage.

To Eric and Melissa, I hope your escape from Cherry Vale is complete an you are adjusting well to your new home. I pray that you find peace there and that you both continue to minister to those around you as you have always done. It's a new adventure. Jesus will show you the way.

That's what I need Lord. A new adventure. It seems a bit early for eternity with You just yet, but it's looking better all the time. Please watch over Dad today. Bless our church. Please show us the way. Please help me to get over myself and get back to serving You and others as Your servant teacher. Help me to turn Your sheep into Priests. Please make it so. I love you. Now, if you could just turn down my thermostat a bit, I would appreciate it. It's time for us to go to work now.

For you others out there...have a great day.