I heard that twice yesterday from two different same sex attracted men that I met in two different venues in my church of all places. Even so, both of these married men talked about these deeply personal issues issues with me that I doubt they would be willing to discuss with anyone else. It's because I understand how they feel. Neither one of them is out with their SSA status in any official way, though for at least one of them, most of his entire family knows. One of them is living on the down low in another part of the country and the other one is well guarded and regarded in his sexual behavior. Strangely, both of them talked about masturbation in a passing way, but neither of them wanted to discuss it's implications. We should talk about it one of these days. That time is not now. In one case, I started that conversation, but it did not go very far. They were both more than willing to discuss their likes and dislikes in men and whether or not they had been celibate. When I revealed my 36 year streak of 'no man' status, one of these guys said it had been maybe 36 hours hours for him. There was honesty in both conversations, but I thought, " if this is what they are willing to tell me when they do not trust me, what is the real truth?" Both of these men were practicing 'modest honesty' with me.
It occurs to me that I may be getting too direct for you. It is what it is my friend. If you need to go, I understand, but the things I need to say here have a direct bearing on the struggles that we endure as Christian same sex attracted men. We are at once an enigma and a contradiction. We love Jesus, we love our families (some of us have wives) and we love our churches, but the compulsion to satisfy our man appetites is great. The battle is constant and it is always on. Many of us lose regularly in the fight. We develop a self loathing that cannot be explained because we are constantly distracted by the desire and our failures in the fight.
I seem to be blessed with a lower sex drive than most. While I enjoy the company of men, I find that I do not want the baggage of deeper relationship or the brevity of soulless, anonymous sexual encounters. In short, I cannot live with those complications. I need consistency in my life. I hate riding the roller coaster that can be gay life. I need peace and peace of mind more than sex. I am not saying my life is easy. I'm saying that my life is as it is because I cannot live with the stress of living otherwise.
If the self loathing is going to stop, if we are going to desexualize our love for men, we have to drop the anger toward God about who we are and just submit to Him. It is the only way to learn to love ourselves and thus be able to love others in nonsexual ways.
As Jeremiah said, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Well, our Creator understands it. He knows things about us that we have yet to grasp. He knows our potential and He knows how low we can go in our lives.
Brother, I say this to you. Throw yourself on His mercy and grace; submit to Him in every way that you are able. When you fail, and you will, go to Him for your handout. That well never runs dry. You will not lose your desire, but it will becomes less interesting as you grow in your own self love and your nonsexual love for others.
Some of us need to hit the bottom of the 'grace well' before we start to drink from it. So be it. It's going to hurt, but you may need to go there. My advice is drown yourself in it. The water is so satisfying. Then as you start your swim to the top, you will see what self forgiveness means and how to love others in a proper fashion.
On a personal note, I think I am sensing right now, the direction that the remainder of my life is supposed to take. I want my SSA brethren to know the contentment and joy I am currently experiencing. I think it can be that way for all of us. We just have to 'man up' and do it. Think about what I have said here. There is so much more to talk about.