Something that I failed to share yesterday was that bad brain chemistry can be addictive. What do I mean by that? As someone who has experienced this, what I found was that my brain, my mind would go into this psychical loop where I dwelt on my personal misery or pain or sense of worthlessness. As time passes, this becomes addictive behavior. I learned that when I was alone, I would fall into this pattern. If I was at work or at church, this would not happen. It's important to keep the brain preoccupied with things other than self. Work, doing things for others or taking part in some recreational activity seems to break the cycle or interrupt the loop. New brain chemicals, hormones and neurotransmitters produced by this then become part of your overall brain chemistry and a kind of new balance is achieved.
This is probably what I need right now. Overall, I would say that my brain chemistry is good - at least much better than it was say 10 years ago. Events in my life have made this a challenge, but over the long haul, things seem to be steady. I have bad days and even months, but I feel much better than I did. I would credit this to my faith, to my friends and my own desire to be "normal" whatever that is :^)). Realistically, that is probably not going to happen, but I might get close.
I am not so much depressed right now as I am just kind of numb and unmotivated. I do not know where this comes from. I do not take any prescribed medications that would cause this, so I can only assume it's - forgive me - bad brain chemistry. I know my friends in the faith would look for other reasons - spiritual causes. I don't think that's the case, but I will listen. If I seem to be smiling quietly to myself, it will mean 'thanks, but no, I disagree'.
So the challenge here is to wake up my mind from it's current lethargic, aimless, unmotivated and even procrastinating state. I am apathetic I guess. I just don't care right now. Actually, the only thing that I seem to really care about is typing my thoughts into this blog. I suppose this could be a new addictive behavior. Whatever it is, I always seem to feel a bit better after doing it - ready to go to work.
I was thinking about a long vacation or even relocation last night while I was posting comments on a friend's blog. In my mind it sounded wonderful. I was considering New Zealand or British Columbia or New Mexico or Colorado. This may be the ultimate answer, but then again, when you feel trapped, going across town can be liberating. Trapped? Yes, I said trapped. I get this way every 10 to 15 years and it is made worse by my current situation. Whether in a room or in life itself, I am always looking for a means of escape to somewhere else in case the present situation becomes untenable. How would you diagnose that?
I might just need a good cry and a hug, but that comes with its own problems. (That made me laugh.) Someone at work suggested that I needed to get laid. I am almost nonfunctional there and I really don't seem to care about that either. In my mind, you really need to be married before you do that anyway and who would put up with me with that kind of commitment on the line. I'm not all that interesting.
So I've rambled on for awhile now and I'm feeling like I want to go to work. Thanks for reading if you did and if you gave up in the middle, who can blame you. My brain chemistry is as good as it's going to get today so I'm off to the airfreight races. Later