On May 7th, 2015 I wrote this...
"Trust is the ticket to a happy Christian existence in Christ's
church, so why do I feel that I cannot be completely honest with my
brethren about who I am in Christ? Why do I fear the self
righteous, unremitting hand of condemnation from people that are
supposed to love me as God loves us? That hand is probably not even
there. It may only be the fear. Fear destroys trust.
This should not be. So what do we do to develop trust?
think we have to be willing to risk hurt feelings and bruised egos and
step out in trust when others will not. We need to be honest with others
in the church about where we are at in the faith and push to get the
same from them. We have to let the fear die and let Christ live through
us in our dealings with others, both inside and outside the Church.
Trust will not develop if we are not willing to step out and take risks
to our personal well being and feel the pain of someone else or even
endure our own.
Trust will cost you something if you do
it right; even possibly betrayal. Jesus could tell you about that. So
let's take a leaf from His page. Let our love extend to trust - for Him
and for each other."
I must today confess my hypocrisy.
I obviously do not believe this or I would practice it.
I apologize to all my friends that I have treated with a lack of trust. I am ashamed. I really do want to believe what I wrote. I want it to be the way things are. I am going to do my best to practice this from this point forward. I do not know that it will make me any less annoying, but I will try to be more trustful and also more trustworthy.
I had an email conversation with a friend about the whole issue. I said that the basis of trust for me was the ability for the other party to keep confidentiality. He suggested that it was longevity of the relationship over time. He also passed on what his father said. "It takes a lifetime to build trust and second to lose it." I believe all three of these things are very true and correct.
When it comes down to it though, the reason I fail to trust is because I do not want to get hurt. I am sure it has been at the center of all the relationship problems I have ever had and it has also been the thing that prevented me from making friends with others. I have probably missed many valuable relationships because I do not practice what I preach.
The friendships that have lasted in my life have been with people that are tolerant of my eccentricities. I would like to thank all of you for that. You are kind as well as trustworthy.
I am a hard man to love. Y'all deserve some kind of an award.
More to the point, I believe my lack of trust has interfered with the relationship I have with Jesus. I am sorry to say it because if there is a Rock in my life, it has been Him. Lord, I am sorry.
I am going to try to do better. No promises here, but I am going to try.