Saturday, March 21, 2015

Personal Notes

I'm sure you are just about fed up with my personal issues. I know that I am.  Even so, I feel the need to talk about them. If this is too much of a burden, you can turn back now. It is not too late to seek a place of safety.

Yesterday, I think I was as tired as I have ever been at any one time in my life. I reached full zombification around 1930. At that point, I was on full automatic, not being really sure what I was doing or if I was doing it right. I was at work from 0600 until about 2140. There were a few breaks in there that amounted to about an hour for the day, but it was tiring nevertheless.

I was customer service. I was sales. I was the manager and I was the data entry clerk. I did it all. It is amazing what I know how to do at work and how long that I can stand to be there. I keep telling myself how much I hate it, but would I really spend that much time there if I hated it? I wonder if maybe I am finding reasons to stay at work because I no longer want to go home? This is a possibility that probably requires some analysis. I also use work and my Dad to avoid spending time with people from church and other places. There are many activities at church that I could be involved in, but I am not, mostly because I detest all the interaction with people.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with the folks from church. They are fine Christians and fine people. I like them, but I do not seem to want to get to know them in any significant way. I think it all goes back to my views on friendship and what it means to be someone's friend.

I detest the shallowness of most relationships in this day and age. The facebook friend mentality is a menace. People that barely know each other call themselves friends. For me, friendship takes time. It develops. You become invested in the person that you are friends with and you feel a sense of responsibility to them.

And that is where I always want to get off the boat. I don't want the responsibility that I believe comes with the relationship.

It's at that point that I begin to feel trapped. I do not want to deal with my friend's issues, mostly because I cannot deal with my own, and I just want to run away to a safe place to be alone.  I really do not want to burden potential friends with my baggage either which is considerable. I am kind of a burden and a liability as a friend myself.

I see this contradiction in my life between my principles and my behavior here and it does not seem to bother me all that much. If it did, I guess I might try to fix it. My point here is that I think work has become my hiding place. If I could not go to work, what would I do? The answer to that question is probably too scary to contemplate. If I quit my job, what would I do? It might be worth trying. What's the worse thing that could happen? It might kill me. Some people lose their sense of purpose when they quit work. Somehow, I do not think that would happen to me. I have always been able to entertain myself, with or without others. In the past, some of that entertainment has been destructive, but I do not think that would be the case now. It might be worth a try. I just have to find a way to make it work.

On my way to and from the grocery store today, I saw a lot of open, ice free water. Local ponds in subdivisions and on farms are open and waiting. I mention that because it prompted an ancient longing that used to hit me every spring. It is the need to go fishing. I have not been fishing in four years. Life has been getting in the way. I think this is the year I will break the drought. I need to go fishing. I miss the solitude of my lone fishing expeditions. I wish I could go to the Wapsipinicon River and fish below the dams at Central City and Anamosa. I miss those times. I also miss the fishing below the 3 in 1 dam on the Cedar River in Cedar Rapids. There was some fine smallmouth bass and walleye fishing in all three of those places.

And before you ask, let me advise you not to. I am sure you would be fine company, but I do not really want to go fishing with you whoever you may be. Fishing is a solitary thing for me. This is not to say that I always go alone. I have been fishing with many people including one very special former friend, but right now I need space. Granted, I require much more personal space than most, but it does not mean that I don't really need it. Thanks for thinking about asking though. It really is the thought that counts for me.

So, if I wasn't working, I could go fishing a lot. I could garden. I could do church stuff when I wanted to be with people and maybe if I wasn't at work all the time, I would want to be with people more than I do now. Who knows?

Then again, God might decide to recall me because I ceased to be useful. These unknowns make me hesitate, but what's the downside of going home to God? I suppose there are a lot of people there and that might be annoying, but my attitude might be different in Paradise. Who knows? I surely do not. 

Well, it's time to get ready for Sunday. I have an adult class to teach at church at 0800 in the morning. It's time to put the finishing touches on an unstudied lesson. This is the thing I enjoy most in my life right now. I love to teach my teach my class and, despite earlier comments, I enjoy the people, many of whom I have known all my life. We are a wide variety of white folks from different backgrounds, but we enjoy our study together and we enjoy worshiping together. I find myself wondering if they would really like me all that much if they really knew me, but that is a bridge better left uncrossed. They do not need to be burdened with my junk. I wish I wasn't. (:^))

I'm quite funny, don't you think?   

I stepped away for a bit to put a load of clothes in the dryer and that gave me just enough time to reconsider this post. There is a 'theme' here I think. I am sick of being responsible. The last time that happened (age 20 to 24), I spent 4 years living like the Devil's best friend. Let's hope it goes better this time around. If I ever live like that again, it will probably kill me. Strangely, I have never really felt the need to repent of that time in my life. Lord, I hope that does not bother you. I had more fun then, than a man ought to be allowed. I truly enjoyed it. I have very few regrets about it Lord other than the fact that I ignored you the whole time. Thanks for being patient through that time. I hope you are still patient. I may need it :^)

Like I said, I am just hilarious.