Friday, June 8, 2012

Bad Joke Friday


Two Greeks met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their mother country.
The other motioned for him to stop and said, “We’re in America now. Speak Spanish!”



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
“Ryan, you be Jesus!”


A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed over three motorcycles.”



A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the kitty out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
The man kept taking the cat farther and farther and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat out there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”


A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
“The one on the left costs $500,” says the store owner.
“Why so much?” asks the customer.
“Because it can program in C,” answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1,500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.”
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. “That one costs $3,000,” answers the store owner.
“3,000 dollars!!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant.”

Friday, June 1, 2012

Bad Joke Friday

Redneck Condominiums

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”
Redneck Calamari


One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, “There’s a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?”
He told her there was a can under the sink.
“Honey,” she called. “This is ant-and-roach spray.”
“Well,” her husband replied. “Don’t show him the label.”
Keepinercool


A computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came, there was an accompanying note:
“We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. We hope this pleases you.”


These two deer hunters were out on a hunt, and they were lucky enough to bag a really big buck with a nice set of antlers.
Excited and eager to get their trophy home, they grab the buck’s tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull, but the big buck just won’t budge.
Another hunter comes by and says, “Excuse me, but you might find it easier if you drag that buck from the other direction. That way the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
The two hunters thank the other man for the advise. They each grab an antler and start pulling.
A little later the man passes them once again. “How’s it going?” he asks.
“Great!” the hunters reply. “Just one problem. We’re getting farther and farther away from our truck.”

Following the recent sex scandal involving the Secret Service during the president’s recent visit to Colombia, the agency has issued new rules of conduct for agents:
Henceforth, agents can no longer get drunk, procure prostitutes or go to strip bars. If agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they must run for public office like everyone else.