"The antidote to restlessness is desperation for God."
My Sunday school teacher tried to explain this to me, but I was not listening. I wanted to reject the simplicity of it so that I did not have to make an application to my life. I said, "so what are you saying? That I don't love God enough?"
I found all kinds of reasons to reject this statement. I mean even Jesus was restless to the point of sweating blood in Gethsemane and no one is closer to God than Jesus right? They are one.
Even so, it has been going through my mind daily, like someone was yelling it at me. I think Someone was yelling it at me.
I think I know what this means now, at least to me. Karla might tell me I'm wrong again. She is so brave. No one tells me I am wrong :^) I love you dear. I hope you made it to Boston safely. I need you in my life. Odd. You've been there all along. I guess you feel safer now that you know you don't have to marry me. Yes, I laughed out loud right here in Caribou as I typed that.
But I digress
Restlessness IS desperation for God.
Yes. We seldom see it that way, even us who believe, but that is exactly what it is. We need Him so much all the time, in us, with us and around us, but it's like we ignore Him and move on to whatever because we are restless.
I have been restless. I am currently in that state. I wander around looking for the next thing when I have my Father in heaven who should be the first thing and last thing in my life all the time. He has set me free and put me to service so I should get back to serving.
I would ask, Lord, that you help me to hear You. Show me where to go. I am sometimes so wrapped up in what's going on in my head that I do not see what I should really be doing for you. Make me your hands and your feet. I am ready for an adventure. I will probably still be restless, but it might just be the coffee. I know I will be seeing You in a short time. I want that to be good for both of us. Maybe you can cure me of my spiritual ADHD before I get there. I know I have said this before and even though I know you are here and that you are in my body, I miss You. I am reminded of that curtain in the temple between You and Your priests. I know You are there, that You are just on the other side, that I can talk to You and even feel Your Presence; but I want to see You. I should fear that as a man in a physical body, but for some reason, it seems right that I should be able to walk with my Maker as I have with my earthly parents. Will that day come? Probably not here, but somewhere right? Until then Lord...Until then. I love You.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Thanks John and Dawn
I would like to thank my new friends, John and Dawn, for inviting me to lunch yesterday. It was nice to sit down and talk and also meet your family. We should go out next time. I will buy. Yes, I am too lazy to cook for all of you.
Christian friends with the love of God in their hearts and the grace of Jesus in the work of their hands are the best kind of friends. Thanks so much for your hospitality. Us old guys don't get out much so I appreciate it more than you know.
God is in the process of prying open my soul right now. What His purpose may be is anyone's guess. You may not realize it, but you helped Him with that effort. Y'all are good people. See ya at church.
Christian friends with the love of God in their hearts and the grace of Jesus in the work of their hands are the best kind of friends. Thanks so much for your hospitality. Us old guys don't get out much so I appreciate it more than you know.
God is in the process of prying open my soul right now. What His purpose may be is anyone's guess. You may not realize it, but you helped Him with that effort. Y'all are good people. See ya at church.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
I'm Unsettled
Ya, what's new right? I know.
I had kind of an emotional break at the end of our church service today. I have always enjoyed that old 18th century hymn, Amazing Grace, by John Newton. A few years back, Chris Tomlin added what might be considered a chorus to the old standard. The result is in the video in the post prior to this one. This hybrid version is called Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone). The words of this added chorus appear here:
Words expressed as simple truth just tear me up. If the right music is added, I just cry like a baby. That's what happened to me today. My arms went up in the air (first time ever) and my tears flowed like a water faucet. My face was drenched. I could not stop it. I was weeping with happiness, joy and gratuity to my Lord and my God. The song itself is just so full of truth and this added chorus is so much the last nine months of my life.
My chains are gone and I AM FREE. That creates a rush of emotion in me that few people can appreciate I think. Since I have spent most of my life trying to extinguish my emotions, especially the softer ones like love, for fear of falling into sin, I have a lot of overdue crying and laughing to get out of the way. I tell you what, it's just a wonder living in my head my head these days.
I have always been a bundle of contradiction. Letting out my secrets has sort of helped me put everything else out there for everyone to see. Ya, I know that some of you did not want to see it, hear it or read about it. I know that you wish I would keep my appetites and my struggles to myself, but I want you to know what it is like to be me. I want you to feel with me as I express it all and know what I have endured alone in my chains for decades. I still have to deal with it. The difference is that I talk about it out loud now and I am looking to you for your love, whoever you may be, to help me heal. Most all of you have responded to me in some Christ-like way and I am so grateful for your mercy, grace and kindness. I need to move forward now, but I'm scared. I do not know what to do with this new found freedom. I am accustomed to living in a spiritual box designed to prevent sin. It never really worked that way, but it was insulation from reality. Now that I'm out of the box and trying to integrate with the Body, I am dealing with many distractions including increased desire for sin.
Freedom is a double edged sword. Very sharp.
So it seems like I have been sitting here staring in amazement at what has happened to me. One day I am shackled down securely and the next day I am standing there looking down at those shackles on the ground no longer attached to my soul. A free man would move on, but I am not sure I have done so. Do I really miss the security of my chains so much?
I should go somewhere....where do freemen go? Disney World? I don't think so.
Someone asked me about my dreams. Ya know what? I don't have any. God needs to give me some...I hope He will. Most of my dreams died when I was 13. It was a long mournful funeral. I nearly died with them. So where do I go? What do I do? I'm gonna be 59 years old here soon. There's not much time left. Does it even matter at this point? Maybe getting me here to this place and time was the point. God wanted to set me free so that I would enjoy heaven more. I can accept that, but I don't feel like I'm quite done here yet either. I suppose I could be wrong about that. It remains to be seen.
I need to find a new life and a way to serve. I enjoy teaching at church, but that is not really a ministry. I suppose there are people that get something out of it all, but really, modern Sunday school, especially for adults, has more to do with fellowship than education or edification. That's unfortunate, but that's what it's come to. It's more important to get your half caff latte at the church coffee shop. And really, who is to say that there is not value in standing around and discussing life with our Christian brethren. Friends are important. I'm just not used to having them...until now.
So now what Lord? I'm free. Let's go somewhere. You will have to show me, drag me, make me go probably, but I need to do something besides the same old, same old. What will it be? Lord, you tell me. I'm not very good with surprises so please be gentle if possible. Maybe I'm not even ready, so let's work on that then. Whatever. Just remember, You were the One that set me free. Thanks Lord. I love You.
I had kind of an emotional break at the end of our church service today. I have always enjoyed that old 18th century hymn, Amazing Grace, by John Newton. A few years back, Chris Tomlin added what might be considered a chorus to the old standard. The result is in the video in the post prior to this one. This hybrid version is called Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone). The words of this added chorus appear here:
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
Words expressed as simple truth just tear me up. If the right music is added, I just cry like a baby. That's what happened to me today. My arms went up in the air (first time ever) and my tears flowed like a water faucet. My face was drenched. I could not stop it. I was weeping with happiness, joy and gratuity to my Lord and my God. The song itself is just so full of truth and this added chorus is so much the last nine months of my life.
My chains are gone and I AM FREE. That creates a rush of emotion in me that few people can appreciate I think. Since I have spent most of my life trying to extinguish my emotions, especially the softer ones like love, for fear of falling into sin, I have a lot of overdue crying and laughing to get out of the way. I tell you what, it's just a wonder living in my head my head these days.
I have always been a bundle of contradiction. Letting out my secrets has sort of helped me put everything else out there for everyone to see. Ya, I know that some of you did not want to see it, hear it or read about it. I know that you wish I would keep my appetites and my struggles to myself, but I want you to know what it is like to be me. I want you to feel with me as I express it all and know what I have endured alone in my chains for decades. I still have to deal with it. The difference is that I talk about it out loud now and I am looking to you for your love, whoever you may be, to help me heal. Most all of you have responded to me in some Christ-like way and I am so grateful for your mercy, grace and kindness. I need to move forward now, but I'm scared. I do not know what to do with this new found freedom. I am accustomed to living in a spiritual box designed to prevent sin. It never really worked that way, but it was insulation from reality. Now that I'm out of the box and trying to integrate with the Body, I am dealing with many distractions including increased desire for sin.
Freedom is a double edged sword. Very sharp.
So it seems like I have been sitting here staring in amazement at what has happened to me. One day I am shackled down securely and the next day I am standing there looking down at those shackles on the ground no longer attached to my soul. A free man would move on, but I am not sure I have done so. Do I really miss the security of my chains so much?
I should go somewhere....where do freemen go? Disney World? I don't think so.
Someone asked me about my dreams. Ya know what? I don't have any. God needs to give me some...I hope He will. Most of my dreams died when I was 13. It was a long mournful funeral. I nearly died with them. So where do I go? What do I do? I'm gonna be 59 years old here soon. There's not much time left. Does it even matter at this point? Maybe getting me here to this place and time was the point. God wanted to set me free so that I would enjoy heaven more. I can accept that, but I don't feel like I'm quite done here yet either. I suppose I could be wrong about that. It remains to be seen.
I need to find a new life and a way to serve. I enjoy teaching at church, but that is not really a ministry. I suppose there are people that get something out of it all, but really, modern Sunday school, especially for adults, has more to do with fellowship than education or edification. That's unfortunate, but that's what it's come to. It's more important to get your half caff latte at the church coffee shop. And really, who is to say that there is not value in standing around and discussing life with our Christian brethren. Friends are important. I'm just not used to having them...until now.
So now what Lord? I'm free. Let's go somewhere. You will have to show me, drag me, make me go probably, but I need to do something besides the same old, same old. What will it be? Lord, you tell me. I'm not very good with surprises so please be gentle if possible. Maybe I'm not even ready, so let's work on that then. Whatever. Just remember, You were the One that set me free. Thanks Lord. I love You.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine.
You are forever mine.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
The Iowa State Fair Bear Poker
I went to the fair today with one of the Angel's. She picked me up at church and then we did park and ride. That was an interesting process. You drive all the way to Southeast Polk High School and park and then ride all the way back into town on a bus. The buses were nice, clean and air conditioned. They dropped us off at the Dean Ave entrance. It was a day of eating and meeting. I gnawed my way through two pork chops, a raspberry cider slushy, a 24 oz IPA, some nitro ice cream and a lemonade. The angelic presence had a pork chop, raspberry cider slushy, Guinea grinder, some ice tea, water and nitro ice cream. We also encountered another angel with extended family present plus one police officer in plain clothes with partner. It was a warm day with a breeze, but little humidity.
There were quilts, knives, jellies, jams and hot nuts. I always have trouble resisting hot nuts (insert your own joke here), so I got some. They were delicious. The angelic presence was allergic. I wanted her to try one so I could see what happened, but she was concerned about premature death, so I backed off.
Speaking of hot nuts, you might recall that I was concerned about my balls hanging too low and maybe even getting bigger. After seeing the super bull and the big boar today, I'm back to feeling like a eunuch. The boar's were so heavy he could not even get up. No sows would be getting molested by him. He just laid there snoring. The bull had no shame though. He was standing and they hung half way to the floor. He really did not look like he would be meeting any heifers later either. He liked having his picture taken. I think he might have been gay. He did ask me where the steers were.
There were lots of very nice 'brownies' at the fair too. The angelic presence was trying to act like she didn't notice them.
I only have a couple of pictures to share. In the Conservation Building we ran into this old guy poking a bear. It takes a lot of courage to take on the Bear. You really have to admire him. Then again, he might just be crazy. I've always preferred otter poking. Bears are just a mess.
There were quilts, knives, jellies, jams and hot nuts. I always have trouble resisting hot nuts (insert your own joke here), so I got some. They were delicious. The angelic presence was allergic. I wanted her to try one so I could see what happened, but she was concerned about premature death, so I backed off.
Speaking of hot nuts, you might recall that I was concerned about my balls hanging too low and maybe even getting bigger. After seeing the super bull and the big boar today, I'm back to feeling like a eunuch. The boar's were so heavy he could not even get up. No sows would be getting molested by him. He just laid there snoring. The bull had no shame though. He was standing and they hung half way to the floor. He really did not look like he would be meeting any heifers later either. He liked having his picture taken. I think he might have been gay. He did ask me where the steers were.
There were lots of very nice 'brownies' at the fair too. The angelic presence was trying to act like she didn't notice them.
I only have a couple of pictures to share. In the Conservation Building we ran into this old guy poking a bear. It takes a lot of courage to take on the Bear. You really have to admire him. Then again, he might just be crazy. I've always preferred otter poking. Bears are just a mess.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Wendell Berry
Wendell Berry is a farmer, a writer, a Christian and an environmentalist. I came across some of his more noteworthy quotes and found them interesting. I do not know much more than this about him, but his words seem wise.
“It may be that when we no longer know which way to go that we have come to our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”
Sometimes we have to be lost enough to let ourselves be led. We do not understand. We cry out to God for direction. All He says is "follow Me".
“So, friends, every day do something that won't compute ... Give your approval to all you cannot understand ... Ask the questions that have no answers. Put your faith in two inches of humus that will build under the trees every thousand years ... Laugh. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts ... Practice resurrection.”
The notion of practicing resurrection is particularly appealing to me. Living each day anew, reborn as it were, reaching out in faith even though we may not understand; is that not what Christianity is about? We no longer need to fear the darkness or hopelessness. We are His for eternity. Enjoy what has been given now and look toward what comes after.
Just A Side Note...
I have nothing to say today, so I think I will just ramble on that men may know I am mad.
I had coffee this morning with two friends from church. It was not planned. I crashed their party. I'm sure it was irritating, but what's a lonely old guy supposed to do? They did not dismiss me as uninvited and I appreciated that and they listened to me opine all my recent travails. They are so kind and sympathetic. Thanks friends!
There are some really hot guys traversing the Hy Vee parking lot today. Must be Fair traffic. I should stop it or park in the back of the lot. It's like sitting at a table with a plate full of brownies when you're on a diet. You can smell them. You know they are delicious. You want one. Well, not 'you' per se, but you know what I mean....really all I wanted was to use the free wi-fi.
Back to the 'brownies' though, it's my belief that we have to bring ourselves right up to the edge of temptation. Then, when we walk away, the sense of victory is overwhelming. It's a reaffirmation of the power given to resist. Some might say I consider the 'brownie' in my mind too much, that my desire is as vile as actually consuming the pastry. Piffle. The Maker of all things made these beautiful 'brownies' in all sizes, shapes and colors. He wanted them to be appreciated. And so I rationalize my 'brownie' gazing as a gift from upon high. Seriously, it's like looking at new cars that you will never buy. Looking is ok. Test driving though...that's another issue.
An old lady just banged my front bumper with her car door. And if I think she's old, you know she must be old. That always ticks me off, but I can't bring myself to yell at an old lady. Besides, she had her old 'brownie' with her. It might have been her son. He was old too.
Uh oh. Here she comes again...bang. What an old bag. She must think I need a new shade of beige on my red truck. I think she did it on purpose.
I should probably go to work soon. Should be a long day. My 70 year old is gone today. It's just me and the trainee until closing. Could be a long night. You may not know what I'm talking about. It's OK. The trainee is not a 'brownie'. There will be no danger.
Getting Dad to look at his new memory clock is a challenge. He liked it at first, but now he's sure it's wrong most of the time. Interesting dilemma.
Why do people enjoy watching the Olympics so much? It's really just a bunch of hormone cases playing grab ass with each other while trying to gain product endorsements. I will say there has been some fine 'brownie' watching. The wet ones are particularly alluring. I think they do that on purpose just to spite me. I'm sure that's just what the broadcast executives at NBC had in mind. That, and advertising dollars.
But I digress...it's really getting bad. I do it all the time now. I need to go. The 'brownie' quality is dropping off at the Hy Vee.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
It's Not Natural
There are people that are natural introverts and there are some introverts that are made through environmental processes that are different depending on who you are. Some people are born quiet, reflective and thoughtful. They do not like noise and distraction or crowds and some do not even like much physical contact.
I understand this. I have been there and done that so to speak. But I am not a natural introvert. I was made and damn it, I'm kind of mad about it. Kidding....
Growing up, I was a socializer. I could not be shut up. I was also a fat kid though and I had a considerable vocabulary for my age and it put a lot of the other kids off, especially the other boys. I can remember thinking how dull witted most of them were and that would come out in conversation and sometimes those conversations would not end well. A Cub Scout den meeting could be pure hell for me. I would always end up getting beat on. I think that's where I developed my love of being man handled.
All right. Now I'm embarrassed.
Digression..
Anyway, I got so I would withdraw rather than deal with the inevitable failure of the social waltz. It was just easier. Puberty was not fun either. I was not a very good looking kid, still kind of porky and getting progressively zitty...is that a word? Anyway, kids can be cruel and they were sometimes cruel to me. This is not to say that I was never cruel. I was. Engaging me in a duel of insults was never a good idea. Physically, I had become a bit more intimidating too, so I didn't get beat on as much...I kind of missed it. Even negative attention can be fun.
There was also my pending sexuality and my epilepsy. All of this combined to make a toxic soup of introversion. Mind you, I am not saying that introversion is bad. I would go so far as to say it is wonderful, especially for those of you that come by it naturally, but this was not the case for me. I was someone built for leadership and I was being repressed and forced to introvert because I am bent in so many different ways.
That being said, I continued to shrink away, to withdraw. I segregated myself during the college years. I did socialize with fringe groups. I went to a Christian college. You might not think so, but there were closet cases (like me at the time), drug users, boozers, fornicators and petty thieves. We all hung out together. Partied together. Socialized. We were the rebels. We were not ashamed...well we were...but we did not let on.
I really enjoyed that brief time in my life. I may not have repented properly because of my enjoyment. I don't live that way anymore, but I really do not feel all that bad about it either.
When I moved into the real world, the working world, the adult world and all the fun slowed to a snail's pace as it's supposed to, I began to withdraw again. I worked all the time. I had two jobs for a little over two years. I buried myself in work. I socialized with no one and it went on that way for decades. I just could not bring myself to go through the pain of explaining who I was to anyone. I never had more than one or two close friends and they were seldom where I was. We always communicated by mail or phone. I was a hermit living among millions of other normal people by choice. I had crawled into a hole that I only peeked out of occasionally to see what was going on, hence the ground hog imagery...yes, now you understand.
Thankfully God came to get me. He is working on getting me out of my hole more often. He had to shuffle me around quite a bit and it has taken years to get me here, but I think it's working. At almost 59 years old, I am feeling alive again. There is still no one to man handle me, but I don't think there is supposed to be. It's been a considerable adventure. Introspection can be both good and bad. I have had both versions.
I'm still not what you would call a social butterfly, but it's getting better. You might have to nudge me a bit to get me to talk, but if I start you might be sorry. Kidding. I try not to be to be too obsessive. I am what I am just like my Father before me. The difference is that I seem to be changing and that is as it should be. My Father does not change and praise His name for that!
So, fear me not. Talk to me even though I might seem distant. I am an adventure in humanity. Broaden your perspective. You might like me. I might try to escape. Don't let me.
Later friends.
I understand this. I have been there and done that so to speak. But I am not a natural introvert. I was made and damn it, I'm kind of mad about it. Kidding....
Growing up, I was a socializer. I could not be shut up. I was also a fat kid though and I had a considerable vocabulary for my age and it put a lot of the other kids off, especially the other boys. I can remember thinking how dull witted most of them were and that would come out in conversation and sometimes those conversations would not end well. A Cub Scout den meeting could be pure hell for me. I would always end up getting beat on. I think that's where I developed my love of being man handled.
All right. Now I'm embarrassed.
Digression..
Anyway, I got so I would withdraw rather than deal with the inevitable failure of the social waltz. It was just easier. Puberty was not fun either. I was not a very good looking kid, still kind of porky and getting progressively zitty...is that a word? Anyway, kids can be cruel and they were sometimes cruel to me. This is not to say that I was never cruel. I was. Engaging me in a duel of insults was never a good idea. Physically, I had become a bit more intimidating too, so I didn't get beat on as much...I kind of missed it. Even negative attention can be fun.
There was also my pending sexuality and my epilepsy. All of this combined to make a toxic soup of introversion. Mind you, I am not saying that introversion is bad. I would go so far as to say it is wonderful, especially for those of you that come by it naturally, but this was not the case for me. I was someone built for leadership and I was being repressed and forced to introvert because I am bent in so many different ways.
That being said, I continued to shrink away, to withdraw. I segregated myself during the college years. I did socialize with fringe groups. I went to a Christian college. You might not think so, but there were closet cases (like me at the time), drug users, boozers, fornicators and petty thieves. We all hung out together. Partied together. Socialized. We were the rebels. We were not ashamed...well we were...but we did not let on.
I really enjoyed that brief time in my life. I may not have repented properly because of my enjoyment. I don't live that way anymore, but I really do not feel all that bad about it either.
When I moved into the real world, the working world, the adult world and all the fun slowed to a snail's pace as it's supposed to, I began to withdraw again. I worked all the time. I had two jobs for a little over two years. I buried myself in work. I socialized with no one and it went on that way for decades. I just could not bring myself to go through the pain of explaining who I was to anyone. I never had more than one or two close friends and they were seldom where I was. We always communicated by mail or phone. I was a hermit living among millions of other normal people by choice. I had crawled into a hole that I only peeked out of occasionally to see what was going on, hence the ground hog imagery...yes, now you understand.
Thankfully God came to get me. He is working on getting me out of my hole more often. He had to shuffle me around quite a bit and it has taken years to get me here, but I think it's working. At almost 59 years old, I am feeling alive again. There is still no one to man handle me, but I don't think there is supposed to be. It's been a considerable adventure. Introspection can be both good and bad. I have had both versions.
I'm still not what you would call a social butterfly, but it's getting better. You might have to nudge me a bit to get me to talk, but if I start you might be sorry. Kidding. I try not to be to be too obsessive. I am what I am just like my Father before me. The difference is that I seem to be changing and that is as it should be. My Father does not change and praise His name for that!
So, fear me not. Talk to me even though I might seem distant. I am an adventure in humanity. Broaden your perspective. You might like me. I might try to escape. Don't let me.
Later friends.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
A Fireside Chat
I read in the history books of a time during the second world war when the President of the United States would sit by the fireplace in the White House and discuss world events with the nation he governed via the radio. I am sure it was calming to hear from the leadership in a time of crisis and great sacrifice.
Later, in the mid-seventies, President Jimmy Carter tried it on television. It did not work so well. The vision of him in his cardigan sweater was not calming. It was irritating in the extreme, but he was what we had come to after Nixon; the Republican that was not a republican. The value of our money was grossly inflated, interest rates were sky high and jobs were becoming scarce. It was the beginning of the end of America's industrial age and Jimmy Carter was unfortunate enough to be President in that time.
Starting out with digression is not good. Sorry...
I endured a fireside chat of my own last night as a guest of some of the leadership in my church. We gathered in the back yard of the parsonage around a fire. Two pastors, two elders and me. It was a time of reflection for me. It was a time to help them understand me a bit better. And it was a time for me to confess my sin against them and apologize. I did all that. It was necessary for me to do that because, quite frankly, sometimes I just do not know how to talk to people. I would like to blame it on being alone for so long. I really can't do that. It's more like I have said before. When I think I'm right, I lock down. I brush aside all other opinions as irrelevant because I alone have discovered the Truth.
And after all, how can you not just fall down and submit to that? In your heart, you know I'm right.
Monumental arrogance. Yup, that's what it is, that's me. I can completely destroy any truth I may be providing by offending the people I am trying to convince with my superficial snottiness. Yes, I am a bit high maintenance. I am imperious. Thus saith the Ground Hog! So let it be written, so let it be done.
So this is where I am at today. Where I will be tomorrow is anyone's guess. Please friends, help me with this.
Just let me say this again and in this public venue. I am sorry for some of the things I said and did during our recent disagreement. I over reacted in many ways. I said hurtful things to people that I love and respect. I apologize. I love our church. I love it more than I realized at first. And it is also why I became a bit indignant. Much of this has to do with this 'vision' I have of what the church should be. I am an idealist, an iconoclast and a restorationist. I want Acts 2:42-47 to be a reality and not just ancient history.
I love you all. I want to teach again in the fall. I will be there for you. Let's do this thing. I hope to see you in class. 0800 comes early on Sunday mornings. Get up anyway. Come on down. We will have a good time. Let's turn some sheep into Priests.
Later, in the mid-seventies, President Jimmy Carter tried it on television. It did not work so well. The vision of him in his cardigan sweater was not calming. It was irritating in the extreme, but he was what we had come to after Nixon; the Republican that was not a republican. The value of our money was grossly inflated, interest rates were sky high and jobs were becoming scarce. It was the beginning of the end of America's industrial age and Jimmy Carter was unfortunate enough to be President in that time.
Starting out with digression is not good. Sorry...
I endured a fireside chat of my own last night as a guest of some of the leadership in my church. We gathered in the back yard of the parsonage around a fire. Two pastors, two elders and me. It was a time of reflection for me. It was a time to help them understand me a bit better. And it was a time for me to confess my sin against them and apologize. I did all that. It was necessary for me to do that because, quite frankly, sometimes I just do not know how to talk to people. I would like to blame it on being alone for so long. I really can't do that. It's more like I have said before. When I think I'm right, I lock down. I brush aside all other opinions as irrelevant because I alone have discovered the Truth.
And after all, how can you not just fall down and submit to that? In your heart, you know I'm right.
Monumental arrogance. Yup, that's what it is, that's me. I can completely destroy any truth I may be providing by offending the people I am trying to convince with my superficial snottiness. Yes, I am a bit high maintenance. I am imperious. Thus saith the Ground Hog! So let it be written, so let it be done.
So this is where I am at today. Where I will be tomorrow is anyone's guess. Please friends, help me with this.
Just let me say this again and in this public venue. I am sorry for some of the things I said and did during our recent disagreement. I over reacted in many ways. I said hurtful things to people that I love and respect. I apologize. I love our church. I love it more than I realized at first. And it is also why I became a bit indignant. Much of this has to do with this 'vision' I have of what the church should be. I am an idealist, an iconoclast and a restorationist. I want Acts 2:42-47 to be a reality and not just ancient history.
I love you all. I want to teach again in the fall. I will be there for you. Let's do this thing. I hope to see you in class. 0800 comes early on Sunday mornings. Get up anyway. Come on down. We will have a good time. Let's turn some sheep into Priests.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Dennis Goes to the Neurologist
Dad and I went to see Dr. Hansen this morning at Methodist Hospital. Dr. Hansen is a neurologist that seems well versed in Alzheimer's/Dementia issues. His nursing staff was especially sharp. I enjoyed the visit as much as one can possibly enjoy such a thing and felt strongly that Dr. Hansen was more than capable.
Dad scored a 13 on the MMSE (mini mental state exam). It was his worst yet, but he remained cheerful through the whole thing. The doctor asked him if he had any memory issues. Dad said "no" and asked me if I thought so. I hit that ball right out of the stadium. He did not argue with me once. Praise the Lord. I hope he is finally accepting it. Even if he did, he would probably forget about it. It's a horrendous disease.
I was seeking the answer to two questions; should Dad continue to drive and should he be left home alone?
The doctor checked Dad's physical reflexes, he asked him some judgement questions, he asked me questions about what I have observed and then he gave us his conclusions.
Dr Hansen thinks that the driving privilege should be the last to go. The concern is the effect of the loss of freedom on the patient. He said that safety is seldom the issue with Alzheimer's patients. The real concern is getting lost. And this is true from my observations. Dad's driving skills are intact. His reflexes are good and the doctor proved this to me today. Further to the point, Dad has no traffic tickets, no warnings and he has never been stopped by law enforcement when driving. He is still a good driver.
Dr Hansen also thinks that dad is safe to be at home alone during the day given his answer to the question, "what would you do in a fire?"
So it seems that my philosophy of granting maximum freedom in a familiar environment for as long as possible has been correct. Having purpose, even if it's just mowing the lawn, helps Dad stay focused and the knowledge that he can drive when he wants to or needs to gives him a sense of confidence and independence, even if he does not use it all that much.
Dr Hansen says that Dad has had an unusually good run with his brain disease. The decline has been slow and gentle rather than the hard fast decline that many experience. He advised that this could change at any time and he expects acceleration very soon. The 13 score on the MMSE indicates this.
We are scheduled to go back in February on Groundhog Day to see how things have progressed. Six months is an eternity in Alzheimer's World. I consider it a challenge to keep him going. I know that eventually I will fail. It is the nature of the disease. But for now...Dad will continue to drive - to the dog groomer, to the barber shop, to church and to the lawn mower shop and all those other places he never tells me about. His driving will end on the day he gets lost. He will continue at home with me, until and unless he becomes unmanageable or beyond my skill level for treatment and care.
All of you that have been urging me to ground him and institutionalize him are wrong. It is not time for either of these. I think I will know. My instincts have been correct to this point.
I know that some of you do not see a purpose in my efforts. You are just wrong. He is my Dad. He let me live in his house and fed and clothed me for 18 years and the last 5 of those I was fairly disrespectful. I should be able to put up with this for a while longer. I have not got much of a social life anyway. In my present state, I should not probably have one anyway. This task is actually helping me I think.
You can remind me that I said all this the next time you hear me bitching about it...that will, no doubt, happen shortly.
I love him, I love y'all. If he says something crazy to you, just smile and go along with it. Please forgive him if he asks about your wife that's been dead for 17 years or your brother that's in jail. Enjoy how happy he is living in his own shrinking reality. I cannot just throw him away or put him into storage because of your lay opinions or even mine. He is God's own and I am in charge of him until God calls him home.
Please pray for him. I am not sure what God's purpose is in this, and I do not have His bigger picture of the situation. May the Lord have mercy on him. The poor guy has to live with me :^)
Dad scored a 13 on the MMSE (mini mental state exam). It was his worst yet, but he remained cheerful through the whole thing. The doctor asked him if he had any memory issues. Dad said "no" and asked me if I thought so. I hit that ball right out of the stadium. He did not argue with me once. Praise the Lord. I hope he is finally accepting it. Even if he did, he would probably forget about it. It's a horrendous disease.
I was seeking the answer to two questions; should Dad continue to drive and should he be left home alone?
The doctor checked Dad's physical reflexes, he asked him some judgement questions, he asked me questions about what I have observed and then he gave us his conclusions.
Dr Hansen thinks that the driving privilege should be the last to go. The concern is the effect of the loss of freedom on the patient. He said that safety is seldom the issue with Alzheimer's patients. The real concern is getting lost. And this is true from my observations. Dad's driving skills are intact. His reflexes are good and the doctor proved this to me today. Further to the point, Dad has no traffic tickets, no warnings and he has never been stopped by law enforcement when driving. He is still a good driver.
Dr Hansen also thinks that dad is safe to be at home alone during the day given his answer to the question, "what would you do in a fire?"
So it seems that my philosophy of granting maximum freedom in a familiar environment for as long as possible has been correct. Having purpose, even if it's just mowing the lawn, helps Dad stay focused and the knowledge that he can drive when he wants to or needs to gives him a sense of confidence and independence, even if he does not use it all that much.
Dr Hansen says that Dad has had an unusually good run with his brain disease. The decline has been slow and gentle rather than the hard fast decline that many experience. He advised that this could change at any time and he expects acceleration very soon. The 13 score on the MMSE indicates this.
We are scheduled to go back in February on Groundhog Day to see how things have progressed. Six months is an eternity in Alzheimer's World. I consider it a challenge to keep him going. I know that eventually I will fail. It is the nature of the disease. But for now...Dad will continue to drive - to the dog groomer, to the barber shop, to church and to the lawn mower shop and all those other places he never tells me about. His driving will end on the day he gets lost. He will continue at home with me, until and unless he becomes unmanageable or beyond my skill level for treatment and care.
All of you that have been urging me to ground him and institutionalize him are wrong. It is not time for either of these. I think I will know. My instincts have been correct to this point.
I know that some of you do not see a purpose in my efforts. You are just wrong. He is my Dad. He let me live in his house and fed and clothed me for 18 years and the last 5 of those I was fairly disrespectful. I should be able to put up with this for a while longer. I have not got much of a social life anyway. In my present state, I should not probably have one anyway. This task is actually helping me I think.
You can remind me that I said all this the next time you hear me bitching about it...that will, no doubt, happen shortly.
I love him, I love y'all. If he says something crazy to you, just smile and go along with it. Please forgive him if he asks about your wife that's been dead for 17 years or your brother that's in jail. Enjoy how happy he is living in his own shrinking reality. I cannot just throw him away or put him into storage because of your lay opinions or even mine. He is God's own and I am in charge of him until God calls him home.
Please pray for him. I am not sure what God's purpose is in this, and I do not have His bigger picture of the situation. May the Lord have mercy on him. The poor guy has to live with me :^)
Monday, August 8, 2016
Do I Make You Uncomfortable?
Ya...I do make people uncomfortable. I like to talk about things that do not usually come up in polite conversation. It's not because I do not know what is appropriate. It's because 'appropriate' is boring, dishonest and sometime hypocritical. This is not to say that I am not sometimes boring or dishonest or hypocritical. It is to say that I like conversation to be interesting if I am going to take part in it. I also enjoy provoking people to see their reactions. That may be a bit evil. Oh well.
I picked up the habit from an old friend. She was very good at it. It is a way to control the conversation too. Initially I would use it to deflect closer examination of who I was. Now, I do not care about that. It is the advantage of not having many secrets.
When I was younger, everyone and everything made me uncomfortable. I still have days like that, but less of them. I enjoy the difficulty that I and others have with discussing difficult personal matters. It's like removing a splinter from a finger. It feels so much better after it's over and it was definitely worth the process.
I was talking to someone yesterday at church that is a fairly new friend. I'm not sure how she feels about me now though. Her husband suggested that she and I were much alike, that we had much in common. I looked at her and said, "so, you like men too."
It was a priceless moment. I loved it and in that moment, I loved her. She was honest with me. She said I enjoyed making people uncomfortable. She is right. I do. It's a controlling type of behavior, but it is also me paying back the world for making me uncomfortable for decades.
I like it when people take a close look at themselves and me and think, "is this relationship worth the pain it will involve?"
If you are going to love me, it is going to cost you. I am very expensive in terms of patience, tolerance and longsufferance. You will have to decide if it's worth it. Many, many have moved on.
If you care to join me , I think you will find it a rewarding experience. Come and grow with me. Next time you can make me uncomfortable. There will be a bonus if you can make me blush. It's not as hard as you might think. I look forward to it. See ya in church!
I picked up the habit from an old friend. She was very good at it. It is a way to control the conversation too. Initially I would use it to deflect closer examination of who I was. Now, I do not care about that. It is the advantage of not having many secrets.
When I was younger, everyone and everything made me uncomfortable. I still have days like that, but less of them. I enjoy the difficulty that I and others have with discussing difficult personal matters. It's like removing a splinter from a finger. It feels so much better after it's over and it was definitely worth the process.
I was talking to someone yesterday at church that is a fairly new friend. I'm not sure how she feels about me now though. Her husband suggested that she and I were much alike, that we had much in common. I looked at her and said, "so, you like men too."
It was a priceless moment. I loved it and in that moment, I loved her. She was honest with me. She said I enjoyed making people uncomfortable. She is right. I do. It's a controlling type of behavior, but it is also me paying back the world for making me uncomfortable for decades.
I like it when people take a close look at themselves and me and think, "is this relationship worth the pain it will involve?"
If you are going to love me, it is going to cost you. I am very expensive in terms of patience, tolerance and longsufferance. You will have to decide if it's worth it. Many, many have moved on.
If you care to join me , I think you will find it a rewarding experience. Come and grow with me. Next time you can make me uncomfortable. There will be a bonus if you can make me blush. It's not as hard as you might think. I look forward to it. See ya in church!
This Week In the Ground Hog's Reality
The first thing here is a synchronicity note. I have been seeing little people. The politically incorrect word is 'midget'. I know the Iowa State Fair will start this week, but I do not think any of these little ones are involved in it. There is the whole dwarf tossing thing, but technically, these guys aren't dwarves and I don't think they do that at the fair anyway. It's not what you'd call a growth industry, but it's fun to watch. I always wanted to do that for a United Way fund raiser at work, but the idea never seems to take off. For one thing, dwarves are hard to find and where do you rent those harnesses?
Anyway, on two occasions at two different grocery stores, I have seen them working the Frito Lay displays. They bring their own ladders. It's kind of cute. I keep wanting to suggest to them that they follow the yellow brick road. That would not be politically correct, but I bet it would get a laugh.
I went to breakfast at Hy Vee this morning. There were people coming out of the restaurant from the church that I go to ready to advise me on the specials. Very kind. I had 3 eggs, bacon, hash browns and an English muffin. There was another dwarf having breakfast in the next booth. I tell you, they are ubiquitous.
Church was a mixed bag yesterday. I was having a lot of guilt over being so damned horny. I am still kind of wired. I am not sure what is going on with me. It's like one last surge of testosterone before old age sets in. I know I have mentioned this before, but I think my testicles are growing. I have complained in the past that they seem to hang lower and lower with age, but I think now that they are actually getting bigger. What is up with that? I don't know, but I tell you what, I am too old to be having another growth spurt.
Yesterday, my Sunday school teacher politely suggested that my problem was not loving Jesus enough. If I only desired God more, I would be better able to deal with being so sorely tempted.
Karla, I love you, but seriously honey, you have no idea. I have been living with this all my life and like Himself, it is a part of me. I know that when I 'burn' He burns with me. It does not make it any easier. This is not an ordinary urge or a temptation or a desire. This is not a mere attitude problem. This is like trying to deny that I have a right arm or enormous head. It brings new meaning to "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."
I do not say these things to piss you off or even to say that you are wrong (though I believe in this case you are). I say them because I need to share my pain with another flesh and blood person that I know loves me (and thanks so much for that Babe!).
More digression.
After church yesterday and out in the church parking lot, I got invited to lunch next Sunday. I am looking forward to it. Ya, I know, that's weird. Me looking forward to socializing. Actually, it's amazing. The church homo, that's actually a bit of an Aspie, gets invited to lunch. That almost never happens, I'm sure. When he says yes, it's a miracle.
Anyway, Dawn and John, I am looking forward to it. You may have to tell me when it's appropriate to leave. Or I could just stay out in the garage if that's OK ;^)
Dawn, you did tell John I was coming right? I guess he knows now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I digress...
I've been trying to re-ingratiate myself with the leadership at church so I can get my 0800 class back in the fall. I think I may be making progress. I have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss it. I am ready to go. Not sure if they are ready for me though.
Tomorrow morning I take Dad to the neurology clinic at Iowa Methodist. I hope to get a better bead on Dad's Alzheimer's / dementia issues. I expect they will order some tests. Dad has created his own reality in some very special ways. He thinks I am two people, that every car that drives past his house has been repainted, that the neighbor down the road is operating a business out of his house that involves the use of Dodge Caravans and the Mexicans steal our apples. The folks on TV talk to him, can hear him and see him. And you can tell him of the impossibility of all of this, but he does not believe it and he does not believe there is anything wrong with him either. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Anyway...again, I digress.
Saturday, two of three Angels and Jeffery are going to the fair. I hope we will see the third Angel at some point during the carnage.
To Eric and Melissa, I hope your escape from Cherry Vale is complete an you are adjusting well to your new home. I pray that you find peace there and that you both continue to minister to those around you as you have always done. It's a new adventure. Jesus will show you the way.
That's what I need Lord. A new adventure. It seems a bit early for eternity with You just yet, but it's looking better all the time. Please watch over Dad today. Bless our church. Please show us the way. Please help me to get over myself and get back to serving You and others as Your servant teacher. Help me to turn Your sheep into Priests. Please make it so. I love you. Now, if you could just turn down my thermostat a bit, I would appreciate it. It's time for us to go to work now.
For you others out there...have a great day.
Anyway, on two occasions at two different grocery stores, I have seen them working the Frito Lay displays. They bring their own ladders. It's kind of cute. I keep wanting to suggest to them that they follow the yellow brick road. That would not be politically correct, but I bet it would get a laugh.
I went to breakfast at Hy Vee this morning. There were people coming out of the restaurant from the church that I go to ready to advise me on the specials. Very kind. I had 3 eggs, bacon, hash browns and an English muffin. There was another dwarf having breakfast in the next booth. I tell you, they are ubiquitous.
Church was a mixed bag yesterday. I was having a lot of guilt over being so damned horny. I am still kind of wired. I am not sure what is going on with me. It's like one last surge of testosterone before old age sets in. I know I have mentioned this before, but I think my testicles are growing. I have complained in the past that they seem to hang lower and lower with age, but I think now that they are actually getting bigger. What is up with that? I don't know, but I tell you what, I am too old to be having another growth spurt.
Yesterday, my Sunday school teacher politely suggested that my problem was not loving Jesus enough. If I only desired God more, I would be better able to deal with being so sorely tempted.
Karla, I love you, but seriously honey, you have no idea. I have been living with this all my life and like Himself, it is a part of me. I know that when I 'burn' He burns with me. It does not make it any easier. This is not an ordinary urge or a temptation or a desire. This is not a mere attitude problem. This is like trying to deny that I have a right arm or enormous head. It brings new meaning to "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."
I do not say these things to piss you off or even to say that you are wrong (though I believe in this case you are). I say them because I need to share my pain with another flesh and blood person that I know loves me (and thanks so much for that Babe!).
More digression.
After church yesterday and out in the church parking lot, I got invited to lunch next Sunday. I am looking forward to it. Ya, I know, that's weird. Me looking forward to socializing. Actually, it's amazing. The church homo, that's actually a bit of an Aspie, gets invited to lunch. That almost never happens, I'm sure. When he says yes, it's a miracle.
Anyway, Dawn and John, I am looking forward to it. You may have to tell me when it's appropriate to leave. Or I could just stay out in the garage if that's OK ;^)
Dawn, you did tell John I was coming right? I guess he knows now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I digress...
I've been trying to re-ingratiate myself with the leadership at church so I can get my 0800 class back in the fall. I think I may be making progress. I have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss it. I am ready to go. Not sure if they are ready for me though.
Tomorrow morning I take Dad to the neurology clinic at Iowa Methodist. I hope to get a better bead on Dad's Alzheimer's / dementia issues. I expect they will order some tests. Dad has created his own reality in some very special ways. He thinks I am two people, that every car that drives past his house has been repainted, that the neighbor down the road is operating a business out of his house that involves the use of Dodge Caravans and the Mexicans steal our apples. The folks on TV talk to him, can hear him and see him. And you can tell him of the impossibility of all of this, but he does not believe it and he does not believe there is anything wrong with him either. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Anyway...again, I digress.
Saturday, two of three Angels and Jeffery are going to the fair. I hope we will see the third Angel at some point during the carnage.
To Eric and Melissa, I hope your escape from Cherry Vale is complete an you are adjusting well to your new home. I pray that you find peace there and that you both continue to minister to those around you as you have always done. It's a new adventure. Jesus will show you the way.
That's what I need Lord. A new adventure. It seems a bit early for eternity with You just yet, but it's looking better all the time. Please watch over Dad today. Bless our church. Please show us the way. Please help me to get over myself and get back to serving You and others as Your servant teacher. Help me to turn Your sheep into Priests. Please make it so. I love you. Now, if you could just turn down my thermostat a bit, I would appreciate it. It's time for us to go to work now.
For you others out there...have a great day.
Friday, August 5, 2016
NOTWIR..and it's only Friday
NOTWIR is an acronym for News Of The Week In Review. It's from a novel by James Kirkwood. I think the title was "Some Kind Of Hero". He also wrote "P.S. Your Cat is Dead". If you want to read what I was reading back in the 70's, try one of those. My friend, Brian Kirkpatrick, from high school put me on to Kirkwood. Very enjoyable. My opinion. I know. Opinions are like anuses. Everyone has one and they all stink...except mine of course...just got out of the shower. But I digress...as usual.
So this week started poorly. I did not feel good. I was tired and mopey. I fell asleep at work. Bad dreams about being eaten by raccoons. Too cold. Too warm. Blah, Blah, Blah. After some thought, I put my ague down to bad mushrooms on a pizza from Sunday. When I got the mushrooms out of the fridge, I knew they had some age on them, but I used them anyway. The pizza went down nicely, but when it finally made its exit, I felt so much better.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but work has been a bitch this week. I got a new laptop with Windows 10 and a touch screen. Everything seems to be working OK and all my files transferred successfully, but I cannot print worth a shiite if I might be so bold. I receive these large PDF's in email daily that contain the day work from our Cedar Rapids office and they take forever to print. I think it has to do with the age of the copier that I print to. It is not Windows 10 ready. I got an updated printer driver for the new laptop, but that does not seem to matter. I'm thinking maybe the copier needs a driver or a chip set or something. A 40 page document will print at about one page every 5 seconds. That's a lifetime in terms of what is supposed to be a laser printer.
Then there's the drama. It's personal drama. It's "R" rated so you might want to stop right here unless you're used to me and my proclivities. Warm weather makes me horny. I know. Probably too blunt, but it is nonetheless true. I think it's because people dress for the weather. Men will wear gym shorts and a T-shirt. They tend to be nicely tanned with furry legs. I do not seem to care what size, shape, age or color they are. They all fascinate me. It makes me want to pick one, settle down and get married...I know I can't, but such is the fantasy as I sit in the Hy Vee parking lot watching the humanity pass by.
Last night, after work, I went to the Hy Vee in Altoona. I did my shopping. As I was checking out, I could hear it pouring down rain outside. I ended up waiting at the exit with a number of others for the rain to stop before going to the parking lot. About that time, two young guys in gym shorts and tanks in their 20's walked in and they were soaked to the skin from the rain. I think they had been out jogging. Their wet clothes gave perfect outline to their entire bodies. They were beautiful. Absolutely nothing left to the imagination. I smiled. I'm sure I blushed. I did not care. One of them smiled back at me. More blushing. Then they went about their business and I went to the parking lot. I did not care if it was raining. The cold shower helped a bit.
Does writing about this stuff help? Not exactly, but neither does holding it all in. That makes it even worse. I am a man that has no outlet for my desires, my need for the fleshly side of love. My brain and body tells me to go for it. It feels perfectly natural. But my commitment is to Another and He says 'NO".
Everyday I wonder why He made me this way. I know some of you will insist that He did not. I know that He did. How can I not feel the sense of unfairness in it all? Why can I not ask, "why did You make me this way?" There are days when I could just scream it out loud.
Why is this struggle relevant to Him and what am I supposed to take from it all?
"OK mouse, here is your cheese. It's different from everyone else's, so you can't have any. Nonetheless, here it is right in front of you. Don't you dare touch it or I will spring the trap."
Is there another way to look at this? Ya, probably, but when you're horny, it's hard to see the forest for all the men that are in the way. Mixed metaphors. This is what I have been relegated to.
Thanks for coming to my pity party. I do feel a bit better now. I think I will have a late breakfast. No cheese though.
So this week started poorly. I did not feel good. I was tired and mopey. I fell asleep at work. Bad dreams about being eaten by raccoons. Too cold. Too warm. Blah, Blah, Blah. After some thought, I put my ague down to bad mushrooms on a pizza from Sunday. When I got the mushrooms out of the fridge, I knew they had some age on them, but I used them anyway. The pizza went down nicely, but when it finally made its exit, I felt so much better.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but work has been a bitch this week. I got a new laptop with Windows 10 and a touch screen. Everything seems to be working OK and all my files transferred successfully, but I cannot print worth a shiite if I might be so bold. I receive these large PDF's in email daily that contain the day work from our Cedar Rapids office and they take forever to print. I think it has to do with the age of the copier that I print to. It is not Windows 10 ready. I got an updated printer driver for the new laptop, but that does not seem to matter. I'm thinking maybe the copier needs a driver or a chip set or something. A 40 page document will print at about one page every 5 seconds. That's a lifetime in terms of what is supposed to be a laser printer.
Then there's the drama. It's personal drama. It's "R" rated so you might want to stop right here unless you're used to me and my proclivities. Warm weather makes me horny. I know. Probably too blunt, but it is nonetheless true. I think it's because people dress for the weather. Men will wear gym shorts and a T-shirt. They tend to be nicely tanned with furry legs. I do not seem to care what size, shape, age or color they are. They all fascinate me. It makes me want to pick one, settle down and get married...I know I can't, but such is the fantasy as I sit in the Hy Vee parking lot watching the humanity pass by.
Last night, after work, I went to the Hy Vee in Altoona. I did my shopping. As I was checking out, I could hear it pouring down rain outside. I ended up waiting at the exit with a number of others for the rain to stop before going to the parking lot. About that time, two young guys in gym shorts and tanks in their 20's walked in and they were soaked to the skin from the rain. I think they had been out jogging. Their wet clothes gave perfect outline to their entire bodies. They were beautiful. Absolutely nothing left to the imagination. I smiled. I'm sure I blushed. I did not care. One of them smiled back at me. More blushing. Then they went about their business and I went to the parking lot. I did not care if it was raining. The cold shower helped a bit.
Does writing about this stuff help? Not exactly, but neither does holding it all in. That makes it even worse. I am a man that has no outlet for my desires, my need for the fleshly side of love. My brain and body tells me to go for it. It feels perfectly natural. But my commitment is to Another and He says 'NO".
Everyday I wonder why He made me this way. I know some of you will insist that He did not. I know that He did. How can I not feel the sense of unfairness in it all? Why can I not ask, "why did You make me this way?" There are days when I could just scream it out loud.
Why is this struggle relevant to Him and what am I supposed to take from it all?
"OK mouse, here is your cheese. It's different from everyone else's, so you can't have any. Nonetheless, here it is right in front of you. Don't you dare touch it or I will spring the trap."
Is there another way to look at this? Ya, probably, but when you're horny, it's hard to see the forest for all the men that are in the way. Mixed metaphors. This is what I have been relegated to.
Thanks for coming to my pity party. I do feel a bit better now. I think I will have a late breakfast. No cheese though.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Don Juan Quotes - Updated
So what I'm finding is that Don Juan was a fictional character known for his lack of discretion in sexual matters. He was a womanizer and a bit of warrior that "lived" in the 14th century. His story is told by a Spanish playwright in the 15th century. Other writer's like Lord Byron took up the mythology of Don Juan and told other stories about him. Even so, he is never portrayed as a moral man, though he does, from time to time, exhibit sympathy and even empathy in his travails throughout the European world.
I find all of this interesting because of the quotes I have found attributed to him. He seems wise in the extreme and yet his words seem to be designed for one thing - to seduce. And this is what his character always seems to be about....seducing women, seducing people to bend them to his will even trying to trick God at one point near death. He is much like the Accuser of old in this respect. Mixing truth with a lie has always been the MO of our mutual Adversary.
------------------------------------------
I am finding these quotes from Don Juan more than interesting. I may have to undertake a study.
I find all of this interesting because of the quotes I have found attributed to him. He seems wise in the extreme and yet his words seem to be designed for one thing - to seduce. And this is what his character always seems to be about....seducing women, seducing people to bend them to his will even trying to trick God at one point near death. He is much like the Accuser of old in this respect. Mixing truth with a lie has always been the MO of our mutual Adversary.
------------------------------------------
I am finding these quotes from Don Juan more than interesting. I may have to undertake a study.
Self-importance is man's greatest enemy. What weakens him is
feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of his fellow men.
Self-importance requires that one spend most of one's life offended
by something or someone.
As long as a man feels that he is the most important thing in
the world, he cannot really appreciate the world around him. He is
like a horse with blinders; all he sees is himself, apart from
everything else.
The worst that could happen to us is that we have to die, and
since that is already our unalterable fate, we are free; those who
have lost everything no longer have anything to fear.
Feeling important makes one heavy, clumsy and vain. To be a warrior one needs to be light and fluid.
To be angry at people means that one considers their acts to be important. It is imperative to cease to feel that way. The acts of men cannot be important enough to offset our only viable alternative: our unchangeable encounter with infinity.
Caribou Church
I frequent the Caribou coffee shop in Pleasant Hill on most mornings. I have not been in attendance as much as usual this week. I have not been up to it. I've been feeling odd; very tired and sleepy, even after a full night of rest. I'm not sure what's going on. I fell asleep at work yesterday. That was embarrassing. I suppose I should go to the doctor. I really don't want to though. It's my experience that the doctor wants to cure any number of things that are not bothering me, but he never has any answers to stuff like this. I suppose it could be age related or maybe I just need a vacation. Whatever it is, I could use a nap right now.
It's kind of quiet at Caribou this morning. Normally it's a hub of caffeinated chatter that's so loud one can barely hear one's self think. It reminds me of church in some ways. People sitting around drinking coffee and talking about absolutely nothing of import. There are exceptions to this. I have seen tears and arguments. I have heard the police discussing drug busts and drunks. And there is the book club on Thursdays that never seems to have any books with them. There are also days when the place is infested with pastors - some talking shop and others not talking at all. It's a good place to get a cross section of white middle class humanity with the occasional smattering of minority members in the mix. Now that I think about it, I guess I would qualify as a genuine minority in this group. How many gay Christians do you know? Unless you know me, probably none. Jesus knows quite a few of us, but I digress. If He were here, I think He would stop by for a decaf latte and a bag of olives. Middle eastern types seem to enjoy olives.
I suppose you're asking yourself, "What's he talking about? A bag of olives? Since when do olives come in bags?"
I kid you not; this coffee shop has Caribou brand olives in a vacuum packed bag next to the dark chocolate covered coffee beans and biscotti. I told the cashier that I would eat many things with my cappuccino, but olives was not one of them. I really don't like them anyway, but with coffee? Really? I don't think so.
I'm a bit peckish this morning. Maybe I should go over to the Market Grill and get some scrambled eggs and bacon. That should put me right to sleep eh? It sounds really good though. I love eggs and bacon. There's nothing like freshly cooked chicken embryos and smoked, fried porcine shavings to get you going in the morning. A bowl of cereal just will not cover what I need. Neither will a bag of olives.
Speaking of food, the Iowa State Fair is coming up next week. I am supposed to attend on the 13th with Jeffery's Angels. I think we will be short one Angel. We will see what happens. I wonder if they will have deep fried olives on a stick? There's a concept. I hope it has not come to that. I'm praying for a cool cloudy day on the 13th.
Time for a refill now as I commune with the Saints at Caribou. Hold the olives please.
It's kind of quiet at Caribou this morning. Normally it's a hub of caffeinated chatter that's so loud one can barely hear one's self think. It reminds me of church in some ways. People sitting around drinking coffee and talking about absolutely nothing of import. There are exceptions to this. I have seen tears and arguments. I have heard the police discussing drug busts and drunks. And there is the book club on Thursdays that never seems to have any books with them. There are also days when the place is infested with pastors - some talking shop and others not talking at all. It's a good place to get a cross section of white middle class humanity with the occasional smattering of minority members in the mix. Now that I think about it, I guess I would qualify as a genuine minority in this group. How many gay Christians do you know? Unless you know me, probably none. Jesus knows quite a few of us, but I digress. If He were here, I think He would stop by for a decaf latte and a bag of olives. Middle eastern types seem to enjoy olives.
I suppose you're asking yourself, "What's he talking about? A bag of olives? Since when do olives come in bags?"
I kid you not; this coffee shop has Caribou brand olives in a vacuum packed bag next to the dark chocolate covered coffee beans and biscotti. I told the cashier that I would eat many things with my cappuccino, but olives was not one of them. I really don't like them anyway, but with coffee? Really? I don't think so.
I'm a bit peckish this morning. Maybe I should go over to the Market Grill and get some scrambled eggs and bacon. That should put me right to sleep eh? It sounds really good though. I love eggs and bacon. There's nothing like freshly cooked chicken embryos and smoked, fried porcine shavings to get you going in the morning. A bowl of cereal just will not cover what I need. Neither will a bag of olives.
Speaking of food, the Iowa State Fair is coming up next week. I am supposed to attend on the 13th with Jeffery's Angels. I think we will be short one Angel. We will see what happens. I wonder if they will have deep fried olives on a stick? There's a concept. I hope it has not come to that. I'm praying for a cool cloudy day on the 13th.
Time for a refill now as I commune with the Saints at Caribou. Hold the olives please.
Blog Statistics
My blog stats have been off the charts weird this week. It seems that there are certain subjects that can bring all sorts attention. I have been heavily scanned by Russian and US sources and they have been reaching far back into the archives of TDGH. Key words that seem to set off this avalanche of non reading hits seem to be "Trump", "Putin", "terrorism" and "ISIS". These sources do not seem to be nearly as interested in "Hillary" or "sin" or "self righteousness" or "Jesus". When you consider that I have only two subscribers and maybe 15 to 20 regular readers, this is a really odd week.
Pageviews by Countries
| Entry | Pageviews |
|---|---|
United States
|
190
|
Russia
|
160
|
Germany
|
13
|
France
|
5
|
Australia
|
4
|
United Kingdom
|
2
|
Norway
|
1
|
New Zealand
|
1
|
Pageviews by Browsers
Pageviews by Operating Systems
|
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Apparently I'm Tired...
I usually know these things. I guess I have not been closely attending to my bodily needs, not to put too fine a point on it. Yesterday I felt like I was getting the flu. I was achy and sleepy all day. Then last night before bed, I thought I had a fever. I could not get warm even after I got under the covers. Then I fell into this deep paralytic sleep and dreamed I was sleeping outdoors with nothing but a blanket while raccoons and opossums annoyed me; it was like they were scratching me or something. I think it's because the dog was in bed with me. He just got a haircut and I think he was cold too. He looks kind of like a goat now, but I digress.
Anyway, I woke up at about 1230. I got up to pee. Us old guys have to do that. It has something to do with prostate enlargement. The poor thing never gets used anyway. It's probably the size of a grapefruit. Again, I digress.
After that, I returned to bed. I was having trouble getting back to sleep. I think I prayed a bit. I can usually depend on God to put me back to sleep. I think He tires of the annoyance. Then I dozed off again, I slept through my alarm right up to about 0815 AM today.
I feel refreshed, but I also feel like a bit of a layabout. I actually think I could have slept some more, but I didn't. I think I might be depressed. At this point in my life, I do not notice such things. It's weird how that works. Anyway, I feel pretty good right now. We will see how the rest of the day goes.
Take care and I love y'all.
Anyway, I woke up at about 1230. I got up to pee. Us old guys have to do that. It has something to do with prostate enlargement. The poor thing never gets used anyway. It's probably the size of a grapefruit. Again, I digress.
After that, I returned to bed. I was having trouble getting back to sleep. I think I prayed a bit. I can usually depend on God to put me back to sleep. I think He tires of the annoyance. Then I dozed off again, I slept through my alarm right up to about 0815 AM today.
I feel refreshed, but I also feel like a bit of a layabout. I actually think I could have slept some more, but I didn't. I think I might be depressed. At this point in my life, I do not notice such things. It's weird how that works. Anyway, I feel pretty good right now. We will see how the rest of the day goes.
Take care and I love y'all.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Understanding God...Like That Will Ever Happen
I really don't understand Him. He baffles me. He wants me to be be holy. He holds up the standard. Then He watches me struggle my way to victory or defeat; to congratulations or repentance.
Does He enjoy the process more than the product? Is bringing His children to full sanctification the great, divine pleasure that is above everything else for Him? I have to wonder.
Having never been a parent, I have not known the joys of raising up a child in the way he should go. I am thinking though, that this is what God is doing for His children as we go through this life. Like every parent, I suppose He wins some and He loses others. I also think that none of us will ever forget Him though we might fail to please Him. How could anyone turn their back on a Father that gave up His own Son for the sake of the other adopted children in the family? There are many that do not believe He even exists or that Jesus Christ is His Son. They believe His Words to be the product of men's imaginations, written only to control behavior. I cannot go there. I have known His love and I want more.
He told Isaiah this:
Does He enjoy the process more than the product? Is bringing His children to full sanctification the great, divine pleasure that is above everything else for Him? I have to wonder.
Having never been a parent, I have not known the joys of raising up a child in the way he should go. I am thinking though, that this is what God is doing for His children as we go through this life. Like every parent, I suppose He wins some and He loses others. I also think that none of us will ever forget Him though we might fail to please Him. How could anyone turn their back on a Father that gave up His own Son for the sake of the other adopted children in the family? There are many that do not believe He even exists or that Jesus Christ is His Son. They believe His Words to be the product of men's imaginations, written only to control behavior. I cannot go there. I have known His love and I want more.
He told Isaiah this:
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I have known His love and I want more. So what is standing in my way? I must be able to sacrifice my short term and often destructive desires to that purpose. It is a hard thing. He knows this. He seems to enjoy the process where I, where we suffer, to seek His favor.
I have asked Him, I have asked myself, is this not cruel in the extreme? I feel Him smiling at me. I hear Him say, "You'll get over it. Do what is right. I AM here".
"Well Jeff, you're just hearing voices, you're a religious extremist, you're nuts." I get this from unbelieving friends frequently. They want to know why I bother with the struggle. I have come to believe that in struggle there is truth and life and God. I am renewed by both victory and failure because He lives in me and makes that renewal happen. I have not just read about it. It happens to me on a daily basis. It is real and I cannot explain it in any satisfactory way other than I know I am His child and He will NEVER let me go. I would be miserable without Him anyway.
So Lord, lets do another day. Please drive our mutual adversary back to the Pit. Let's have a day of victory. We can do it together. Just You and me. Thanks.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
On Forgiving God
As most everyone is aware, Jesus was big on forgiveness. He wants to forgive us and He wants us to forgive each other. When Simon Peter asked Him how many times he should forgive his brother, Jesus was very direct. Matthew 18:21, 22 say,
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times."
Then in Luke 23:32-34, Luke writes,
Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with Him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified Him, along with the criminals - one on His right, the other on His left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
Jesus wanted us to forgive, even as He forgives. That's a tall order.
What Jesus never talks about though is forgiving God.
Blasphemy? Did you say that was blasphemy? Yes, I know. God is God. He does not sin. He is not capable of sin or sinning against anyone. Why would He need forgiveness, particularly from one of His creations?
Let me suggest that forgiveness may be required, even when sin is absent. Sin requires forgiveness, but so do misunderstandings, so do people that do the right thing though it may hurt others, so do people who act in ignorance.
Everyday, people are born into the world in various states of difficulty. Like Job, they seemingly suffer for no reason. Everyday natural disasters occur that wreak havoc on families and property. They destroy and they kill.
We sometimes ask, where was God? Where is God? Why does He not do something to stop all this needless suffering?
We do this because we do not understand. We do not get the bigger picture. We cannot see the forest for the trees. We do not have a God's eye view of the reality that He created and how it must work to achieve the maximum benefit. We are not God.
Our failure to fully grock His purpose will oft times make us angry or rebellious or worse, hopeless.
This is when we need to take advantage of what He taught us.
We need to forgive Him.
He is always faithful to forgive us. Why should we be so short sighted as to not accord Him the same privilege simply because we do not understand His purpose?
You may think I am way off base here, but I think there are many, both Christian and otherwise, that need to look to forgiving their creator for perceived injustices or bad creation management. Who are we to critique the Creator of the Universe?
We are in His hands, whether we realize it or not. We are His children. For the sake of family accord, let's forgive what we do not understand and move forward with Him. Someday we may know what we do not know now - or - better yet, we will not care.
Let's enjoy His love and deal with whatever reality we were dealt as best we can. When 'Forever' comes, I think we will all be glad we did.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times."
Then in Luke 23:32-34, Luke writes,
Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with Him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified Him, along with the criminals - one on His right, the other on His left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
Jesus wanted us to forgive, even as He forgives. That's a tall order.
What Jesus never talks about though is forgiving God.
Blasphemy? Did you say that was blasphemy? Yes, I know. God is God. He does not sin. He is not capable of sin or sinning against anyone. Why would He need forgiveness, particularly from one of His creations?
Let me suggest that forgiveness may be required, even when sin is absent. Sin requires forgiveness, but so do misunderstandings, so do people that do the right thing though it may hurt others, so do people who act in ignorance.
Everyday, people are born into the world in various states of difficulty. Like Job, they seemingly suffer for no reason. Everyday natural disasters occur that wreak havoc on families and property. They destroy and they kill.
We sometimes ask, where was God? Where is God? Why does He not do something to stop all this needless suffering?
We do this because we do not understand. We do not get the bigger picture. We cannot see the forest for the trees. We do not have a God's eye view of the reality that He created and how it must work to achieve the maximum benefit. We are not God.
Our failure to fully grock His purpose will oft times make us angry or rebellious or worse, hopeless.
This is when we need to take advantage of what He taught us.
We need to forgive Him.
He is always faithful to forgive us. Why should we be so short sighted as to not accord Him the same privilege simply because we do not understand His purpose?
You may think I am way off base here, but I think there are many, both Christian and otherwise, that need to look to forgiving their creator for perceived injustices or bad creation management. Who are we to critique the Creator of the Universe?
We are in His hands, whether we realize it or not. We are His children. For the sake of family accord, let's forgive what we do not understand and move forward with Him. Someday we may know what we do not know now - or - better yet, we will not care.
Let's enjoy His love and deal with whatever reality we were dealt as best we can. When 'Forever' comes, I think we will all be glad we did.
Friday, July 29, 2016
The Urban Dictionary Defines "Jeffery"
My thought here is that one should not use the Urban Dictionary when seeking a definition of one's name. I am shocked at what common parlance has relegated me to. "Jeffery" has almost become a swear word. I am really not any of the things below. You may have a different opinion.
Jeffery
Jeffery
A sweet, fuzzy, cuddly, bootylicious teddy bear.
Jeffery has a sweet booty!
Or
Jeffery
kind hearted spirit, who cares about all.
jeffery is someone thats sets something aside in order to help a friend.
jeffery is someone thats sets something aside in order to help a friend.
Or
Jeffery
A player who likes to smoke weed and have sex a lot. He will be extremely nice until you fall for him then he will act like you never meant a thing to him.
Dude why are you being such a Jeffery?
Or
Jeffery
a drug cocktail in joint form consisting of, weed, angel dust, E, clorox, cocaine, and a few other choice ingredients.
Or
Jeffery
Another word for a 7 1/2 inch penis
Damn!! You got a Jeffery
Or
Jeffery
A romantic loose end that will negatively impact future relationships.
A social satellite that could re-enter your orbit as a dangerous asteroid at any moment.
A social satellite that could re-enter your orbit as a dangerous asteroid at any moment.
So I was on a date, and that girl I had that awkward fling with was the bartender at the bar. She's such a Jeffery.
Or
Jeffery
the kind of guy to be cute and cuddly when he's drunk, but when he's sober he's a bastard that will never follow you back on twitter.
"don't be a jeffery right now"
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