Thursday, August 11, 2016

It's Not Natural

There are people that are natural introverts and there are some introverts that are made through environmental processes that are different depending on who you are. Some people are born quiet, reflective and thoughtful. They do not like noise and distraction or crowds and some do not even like much physical contact.

I understand this. I have been there and done that so to speak. But I am not a natural introvert. I was made and damn it, I'm kind of mad about it. Kidding....

Growing up, I was a socializer. I could not be shut up.  I was also a fat kid though and I had a considerable vocabulary for my age and it put a lot of the other kids off, especially the other boys. I can remember thinking how dull witted most of them were and that would come out in conversation and sometimes those conversations would not end well. A Cub Scout den meeting could be pure hell for me. I would always end up getting beat on. I think that's where I developed my love of being man handled.

All right. Now I'm embarrassed.

Digression..

Anyway, I got so I would withdraw rather than deal with the inevitable failure of the social waltz. It was just easier. Puberty was not fun either. I was not a very good looking kid, still kind of porky and getting progressively zitty...is that a word? Anyway, kids can be cruel and they were sometimes cruel to me. This is not to say that I was never cruel. I was. Engaging me in a duel of insults was never a good idea. Physically, I had become a bit more intimidating too, so I didn't get beat on as much...I kind of missed it. Even negative attention can be fun.

There was also my pending sexuality and my epilepsy. All of this combined to make a toxic soup of introversion. Mind you, I am not saying that introversion is bad. I would go so far as to say it is wonderful, especially for those of you that come by it naturally, but this was not the case for me. I was someone built for leadership and I was being repressed and forced to introvert because I am bent in so many different ways.

That being said, I continued to shrink away, to withdraw. I segregated myself during the college years. I did socialize with fringe groups. I went to a Christian college. You might not think so, but there were closet cases (like me at the time), drug users, boozers, fornicators and petty thieves. We all hung out together. Partied together. Socialized. We were the rebels. We were not ashamed...well we were...but we did not let on.

I really enjoyed that brief time in my life. I may not have repented properly because of my enjoyment. I don't live that way anymore, but I really do not feel all that bad about it either.

When I moved into the real world, the working world, the adult world and all the fun slowed to a snail's pace as it's supposed to, I began to withdraw again. I worked all the time. I had two jobs for a little over two years. I buried myself in work. I socialized with no one and it went on that way for decades. I just could not bring myself to go through the pain of explaining who I was to anyone. I never had more than one or two close friends and they were seldom where I was. We always communicated by mail or phone. I was a hermit living among millions of other normal people by choice. I had crawled into a hole that I only peeked out of occasionally to see what was going on, hence the ground hog imagery...yes, now you understand. 

Thankfully God came to get me. He is working on getting me out of my hole more often. He had to shuffle me around quite a bit and it has taken years to get me here, but I think it's working. At almost 59 years old, I am feeling alive again. There is still no one to man handle me, but I don't think there is supposed to be. It's been a considerable adventure. Introspection can be both good and bad. I have had both versions.

I'm still not what you would call a social butterfly, but it's getting better. You might have to nudge me a bit to get me to talk, but if I start you might be sorry. Kidding. I try not to be to be too obsessive. I am what I am just like my Father before me. The difference is that I seem to be changing and that is as it should be. My Father does not change and praise His name for that!

So, fear me not. Talk to me even though I might seem distant. I am an adventure in humanity. Broaden your perspective. You might like me. I might try to escape. Don't let me.

Later friends.   

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A Fireside Chat

I read in the history books of a time during the second world war when the President of the United States would sit by the fireplace in the White House and discuss world events with the nation he governed via the radio. I am sure it was calming to hear from the leadership in a time of crisis and great sacrifice.

Later, in the mid-seventies, President Jimmy Carter tried it on television. It did not work so well. The vision of him in his cardigan sweater was not calming. It was irritating in the extreme, but he was what we had come to after Nixon; the Republican that was not a republican.  The value of our money was grossly inflated, interest rates were sky high and jobs were becoming scarce. It was the beginning of the end of America's industrial age and Jimmy Carter was unfortunate enough to be President in that time.

Starting out with digression is not good. Sorry...

I endured a fireside chat of my own last night as a guest of some of the leadership in my church. We gathered in the back yard of the parsonage around a fire. Two pastors, two elders and me. It was a time of reflection for me. It was a time to help them understand me a bit better. And it was a time for me to confess my sin against them and apologize. I did all that. It was necessary for me to do that because, quite frankly, sometimes I just do not know how to talk to people. I would like to blame it on being alone for so long. I really can't do that. It's more like I have said before. When I think I'm right, I lock down. I brush aside all other opinions as irrelevant because I alone have discovered the Truth.

And after all, how can you not just fall down and submit to that? In your heart, you know I'm right.

Monumental arrogance. Yup, that's what it is, that's me. I can completely destroy any truth I may be providing by offending the people I am trying to convince with my superficial snottiness. Yes, I am a bit high maintenance. I am imperious. Thus saith the Ground Hog! So let it be written, so let it be done.  

So this is where I am at today. Where I will be tomorrow is anyone's guess. Please friends, help me with this.

Just let me say this again and in this public venue. I am sorry for some of the things I said and did during our recent disagreement. I over reacted in many ways. I said hurtful things to people that I love and respect. I apologize. I love our church. I love it more than I realized at first. And it is also why I became a bit  indignant. Much of this has to do with this 'vision' I have of what the church should be. I am an idealist, an iconoclast and a restorationist. I want Acts 2:42-47 to be a reality and not just ancient history.

I love you all. I want to teach again in the fall. I will be there for you. Let's do this thing. I hope to see you in class. 0800 comes early on Sunday mornings. Get up anyway. Come on down. We will have a good time. Let's turn some sheep into Priests.    


Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Dennis Goes to the Neurologist

Dad and I went to see Dr. Hansen this morning at Methodist Hospital. Dr. Hansen is a neurologist that seems well versed in Alzheimer's/Dementia issues. His nursing staff was especially sharp. I enjoyed the visit as much as one can possibly enjoy such a thing and felt strongly that Dr. Hansen was more than capable.

Dad scored a 13 on the MMSE (mini mental state exam). It was his worst yet, but he remained cheerful through the whole thing. The doctor asked him if he had any memory issues. Dad said "no" and asked me if I thought so. I hit that ball right out of the stadium. He did not argue with me once. Praise the Lord. I hope he is finally accepting it. Even if he did, he would probably forget about it. It's a horrendous disease.

I was seeking the answer to two questions; should Dad continue to drive and should he be left home alone?

The doctor checked Dad's physical reflexes, he asked him some judgement questions, he asked me questions about what I have observed and then he gave us his conclusions.

Dr Hansen thinks that the driving privilege should be the last to go. The concern is the effect of the loss of freedom on the patient. He said that safety is seldom the issue with Alzheimer's patients. The real concern is getting lost. And this is true from my observations. Dad's driving skills are intact. His reflexes are good and the doctor proved this to me today. Further to the point, Dad has no traffic tickets, no warnings and he has never been stopped by law enforcement when driving. He is still a good driver.

Dr Hansen also thinks that dad is safe to be at home alone during the day given his answer to the question, "what would you do in a fire?"

So it seems that my philosophy of granting maximum freedom in a familiar environment for as long as possible has been correct. Having purpose, even if it's just mowing the lawn, helps Dad stay focused and the knowledge that he can drive when he wants to or needs to gives him a sense of confidence and independence, even if he does not use it all that much.

Dr Hansen says that Dad has had an unusually good run with his brain disease. The decline has been slow and gentle rather than the hard fast decline that many experience. He advised that this could change at any time and he expects acceleration very soon. The 13 score on the MMSE indicates this.

We are scheduled to go back in February on Groundhog Day to see how things have progressed. Six months is an eternity in Alzheimer's World. I consider it a challenge to keep him going. I know that eventually I will fail. It is the nature of the disease. But for now...Dad will continue to drive - to the dog groomer, to the barber shop, to church and to the lawn mower shop and all those other places he never tells me about. His driving will end on the day he gets lost. He will continue at home with me, until and unless he becomes unmanageable or beyond my skill level for treatment and care.

All of you that have been urging me to ground him and institutionalize him are wrong. It is not time for either of these. I think I will know. My instincts have been correct to this point.

I know that some of you do not see a purpose in my efforts. You are just wrong. He is my Dad. He let me live in his house and fed and clothed me for 18 years and the last 5 of those I was fairly disrespectful. I should be able to put up with this for a while longer. I have not got much of a social life anyway. In my present state, I should not probably have one anyway. This task is actually helping me I think.

You can remind me that I said all this the next time you hear me bitching about it...that will, no doubt, happen shortly. 

I love him, I love y'all. If he says something crazy to you, just smile and go along with it. Please forgive him if he asks about your wife that's been dead for 17 years or your brother that's in jail. Enjoy how happy he is living in his own shrinking reality. I cannot just throw him away or put him into storage because of your lay opinions or even mine. He is God's own and I am in charge of him until God calls him home.

Please pray for him. I am not sure what God's purpose is in this, and I do not have His bigger picture of the situation. May the Lord have mercy on him. The poor guy has to live with me :^)  

Monday, August 8, 2016

Do I Make You Uncomfortable?

Ya...I do make people uncomfortable. I like to talk about things that do not usually come up in polite conversation. It's not because I do not know what is appropriate. It's because 'appropriate' is boring, dishonest and sometime hypocritical. This is not to say that I am not sometimes boring or dishonest or hypocritical. It is to say that I like conversation to be interesting if I am going to take part in it. I also enjoy provoking people to see their reactions. That may be a bit evil. Oh well.


I picked up the habit from an old friend. She was very good at it. It is a way to control the conversation too. Initially I would use it to deflect closer examination of who I was. Now, I do not care about that. It is the advantage of not having many secrets.


When I was younger, everyone and everything made me uncomfortable. I still have days like that, but less of them. I enjoy the difficulty that I and others have with discussing difficult personal matters. It's like removing a splinter from a finger. It feels so much better after it's over and it was definitely worth the process.


I was talking to someone yesterday at church that is a fairly new friend. I'm not sure how she feels about me now though. Her husband suggested that she and I were much alike, that we had much in common. I looked at her and said, "so, you like men too."


It was a priceless moment. I loved it and in that moment, I loved her. She was honest with me. She said I enjoyed making people uncomfortable. She is right. I do. It's a controlling type of behavior, but it is also me paying back the world for making me uncomfortable for decades.


I like it when people take a close look at themselves and me and think, "is this relationship worth the pain it will involve?"


If you are going to love me, it is going to cost you. I am very expensive in terms of patience, tolerance and longsufferance. You will have to decide if it's worth it. Many, many have moved on.


If you care to join me , I think you will find it a rewarding experience. Come and grow with me. Next time you can make me uncomfortable. There will be a bonus if you can make me blush. It's not as hard as you might think. I look forward to it. See ya in church!

This Week In the Ground Hog's Reality

The first thing here is a synchronicity note. I have been seeing little people. The politically incorrect word is 'midget'. I know the Iowa State Fair will start this week, but I do not think any of these little ones are involved in it. There is the whole dwarf tossing thing, but technically, these guys aren't dwarves and I don't think they do that at the fair anyway. It's not what you'd call a growth industry, but it's fun to watch. I always wanted to do that for a United Way fund raiser at work, but the idea never seems to take off.  For one thing, dwarves are hard to find and where do you rent those harnesses?

Anyway, on two occasions at two different grocery stores, I have seen them working the Frito Lay displays. They bring their own ladders. It's kind of cute. I keep wanting to suggest to them  that they follow the yellow brick road. That would not be politically correct, but I bet it would get a laugh.

I went to breakfast at Hy Vee this morning. There were people coming out of the restaurant from the church that I go to ready to advise me on the specials. Very kind. I had 3 eggs, bacon, hash browns and an English muffin. There was another dwarf having breakfast in the next booth. I tell you, they are ubiquitous.

Church was a mixed bag yesterday. I was having a lot of guilt over being so damned horny. I am still kind of wired. I am not sure what is going on with me. It's like one last surge of testosterone before old age sets in. I know I have mentioned this before, but I think my testicles are growing. I have complained in the past that they seem to hang lower and lower with age, but I think now that they are actually getting bigger. What is up with that? I don't know, but I tell you what, I am too old to be having another growth spurt.

Yesterday, my Sunday school teacher politely suggested that my problem was not loving Jesus enough. If I only desired God more, I would be better able to deal with being so sorely tempted.

Karla, I love you, but seriously honey, you have no idea. I have been living with this all my life and like Himself, it is a part of me. I know that when I 'burn' He burns with me. It does not make it any easier. This is not an ordinary urge or a temptation or a desire. This is not a mere attitude problem.  This is like trying to deny that I have a right arm or enormous head. It brings new meaning to "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."

I do not say these things to piss you off or even to say that you are wrong (though I believe in this case you are). I say them because I need to share my pain with another flesh and blood person that I know loves me (and thanks so much for that Babe!).

More digression.

After church yesterday and out in the church parking lot, I got invited to lunch next Sunday. I am looking forward to it. Ya, I know, that's weird. Me looking forward to socializing. Actually, it's amazing. The church homo, that's actually a bit of an Aspie, gets invited to lunch. That almost never happens, I'm sure. When he says yes, it's a miracle.

Anyway, Dawn and John, I am looking forward to it. You may have to tell me when it's appropriate to leave. Or I could just stay out in the garage if that's OK ;^)

Dawn, you did tell John I was coming right? I guess he knows now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I digress...

I've been trying to re-ingratiate myself with the leadership at church so I can get my 0800 class back in the fall. I think I may be making progress. I have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss it. I am ready to go. Not sure if they are ready for me though.

Tomorrow morning I take Dad to the neurology clinic at Iowa Methodist. I hope to get a better bead on Dad's Alzheimer's / dementia issues. I expect they will order some tests. Dad has created his own reality in some very special ways. He thinks I am two people, that every car that drives past his house has been repainted, that the neighbor down the road is operating a business out of his house that involves the use of Dodge Caravans and the Mexicans steal our apples. The folks on TV talk to him, can hear him and see him.  And you can tell him of the impossibility of all of this, but he does not believe it and he does not believe there is anything wrong with him either.  Denial is not a river in Egypt. Anyway...again, I digress.    

Saturday, two of three Angels and Jeffery are going to the fair. I hope we will see the third Angel at some point during the carnage.

To Eric and Melissa, I hope your escape from Cherry Vale is complete an you are adjusting well to your new home. I pray that you find peace there and that you both continue to minister to those around you as you have always done. It's a new adventure. Jesus will show you the way.

That's what I need Lord. A new adventure. It seems a bit early for eternity with You just yet, but it's looking better all the time. Please watch over Dad today. Bless our church. Please show us the way. Please help me to get over myself and get back to serving You and others as Your servant teacher. Help me to turn Your sheep into Priests. Please make it so. I love you. Now, if you could just turn down my thermostat a bit, I would appreciate it. It's time for us to go to work now.

For you others out there...have a great day.   

Friday, August 5, 2016

NOTWIR..and it's only Friday

NOTWIR is an acronym for News Of The Week In Review. It's from a novel by James Kirkwood. I think the title was "Some Kind Of Hero". He also wrote "P.S. Your Cat is Dead". If you want to read what I was reading back in the 70's, try one of those. My friend, Brian Kirkpatrick, from high school put me on to Kirkwood. Very enjoyable. My opinion. I know. Opinions are like anuses. Everyone has one and they all stink...except mine of course...just got out of the shower. But I digress...as usual.

So this week started poorly. I did not feel good. I was tired and mopey. I fell asleep at work. Bad dreams about being eaten by raccoons. Too cold. Too warm. Blah, Blah, Blah. After some thought, I put my ague down to bad mushrooms on a pizza from Sunday. When I got the mushrooms out of the fridge, I knew they had some age on them, but I used them anyway. The pizza went down nicely, but when it finally made its exit, I felt so much better.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but work has been a bitch this week. I got a new laptop with Windows 10 and a touch screen. Everything seems to be working OK and all my files transferred successfully, but I cannot print worth a shiite if I might be so bold. I receive these large PDF's in email daily that contain the day work from our Cedar Rapids office and they take forever to print. I think it has to do with the age of the copier that I print to. It is not Windows 10 ready. I got an updated printer driver for the new laptop, but that does not seem to matter. I'm thinking maybe the copier needs a driver or a chip set or something. A 40 page document will print at about one page every 5 seconds. That's a lifetime in terms of what is supposed to be a laser printer.

Then there's the drama. It's personal drama. It's "R" rated so you might want to stop right here unless you're used to me and my proclivities. Warm weather makes me horny. I know. Probably too blunt, but it is nonetheless true. I think it's because people dress for the weather. Men will wear gym shorts and a T-shirt. They tend to be nicely tanned with furry legs. I do not seem to care what size, shape, age or color they are. They all fascinate me. It makes me want to pick one, settle down and get married...I know I can't, but such is the fantasy as I sit in the Hy Vee parking lot watching the humanity pass by.

Last night, after work, I went to the Hy Vee in Altoona. I did my shopping. As I was checking out, I could hear it pouring down rain outside. I ended up waiting at the exit with a number of others for the rain to stop before going to the parking lot. About that time, two young guys in gym shorts and tanks in their 20's walked in and they were soaked to the skin from the rain. I think they had been out jogging. Their wet clothes gave perfect outline to their entire bodies. They were beautiful. Absolutely nothing left to the imagination. I smiled. I'm sure I blushed. I did not care. One of them smiled back at me. More blushing. Then they went about their business and I went to the parking lot. I did not care if it was raining. The cold shower helped a bit.

Does writing about this stuff help? Not exactly, but neither does holding it all in. That makes it even worse. I am a man that has no outlet for my desires, my need for the fleshly side of love. My brain and body tells me to go for it. It feels perfectly natural. But my commitment is to Another and He says 'NO".

Everyday I wonder why He made me this way. I know some of you will insist that He did not. I know that He did. How can I not feel the sense of unfairness in it all? Why can I not ask, "why did You make me this way?" There are days when I could just scream it out loud.

Why is this struggle relevant to Him and what am I supposed to take from it all?

"OK mouse, here is your cheese. It's different from everyone else's, so you can't have any. Nonetheless, here it is right in front of you. Don't you dare touch it or I will spring the trap."

Is there another way to look at this? Ya, probably, but when you're horny, it's hard to see the forest for all the men that are in the way. Mixed metaphors. This is what I have been relegated to.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. I do feel a bit better now. I think I will have a late breakfast. No cheese though.        

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Don Juan Quotes - Updated

So what I'm finding is that Don Juan was a fictional character known for his lack of discretion in sexual matters. He was a womanizer and a bit of warrior that "lived" in the 14th century. His story is told by a Spanish playwright in the 15th century. Other writer's like Lord Byron took up the mythology of Don Juan and told other stories about him. Even so, he is never portrayed as a moral man, though he does, from time to time, exhibit sympathy and even empathy in his travails throughout the European world.   

I find all of this interesting because of the quotes I have found attributed to him. He seems wise in the extreme and yet his words seem to be designed for one thing - to seduce. And this is what his character always seems to be about....seducing women, seducing people to bend them to his will even trying to trick God at one point near death. He is much like the Accuser of old in this respect. Mixing truth with a lie has always been the MO of our mutual Adversary.

------------------------------------------

I am finding these quotes from Don Juan more than interesting. I may have to undertake a study.

Self-importance is man's greatest enemy. What weakens him is
feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of his fellow men.
Self-importance requires that one spend most of one's life offended
by something or someone.

 As long as a man feels that he is the most important thing in
the world, he cannot really appreciate the world around him. He is
like a horse with blinders; all he sees is himself, apart from
everything else.

 The worst that could happen to us is that we have to die, and
since that is already our unalterable fate, we are free; those who
have lost everything no longer have anything to fear.

 Feeling important makes one heavy, clumsy and vain. To be a warrior one needs to be light and fluid.

 To be angry at people means that one considers their acts to be important. It is imperative to cease to feel that way. The acts of men cannot be important enough to offset our only viable alternative: our unchangeable encounter with infinity.

Caribou Church

I frequent the Caribou coffee shop in Pleasant Hill on most mornings. I have not been in attendance as much as usual this week. I have not been up to it. I've been feeling odd; very tired and sleepy, even after a full night of rest. I'm not sure what's going on. I fell asleep at work yesterday. That was embarrassing. I suppose I should go to the doctor. I really don't want to though. It's my experience that the doctor wants to cure any number of things that are not bothering me, but he never has any answers to stuff like this. I suppose it could be age related or maybe I just need a vacation. Whatever it is, I could use a nap right now.

It's kind of quiet at Caribou this morning. Normally it's a hub of caffeinated chatter that's so loud one can barely hear one's self think. It reminds me of church in some ways. People sitting around drinking coffee and talking about absolutely nothing of import. There are exceptions to this. I have seen tears and arguments. I have heard the police discussing drug busts and drunks. And there is the book club on Thursdays that never seems to have any books with them. There are also days when the place is infested with pastors - some talking shop and others not talking at all. It's a good place to get a cross section of white middle class humanity with the occasional smattering of minority members in the mix. Now that I think about it, I guess I would qualify as a genuine minority in this group. How many gay Christians do you know? Unless you know me, probably none. Jesus knows quite a few of us, but I digress. If He were here, I think He would stop by for a decaf latte and a bag of olives. Middle eastern types seem to enjoy olives.

I suppose you're asking yourself, "What's he talking about? A bag of olives? Since when do olives come in bags?"

I kid you not; this coffee shop has Caribou brand olives in a vacuum packed bag next to the dark chocolate covered coffee beans and biscotti. I told the cashier that I would eat many things with my cappuccino, but olives was not one of them. I really don't like them anyway, but with coffee? Really? I don't think so.       

I'm a bit peckish this morning. Maybe I should go over to the Market Grill and get some scrambled eggs and bacon. That should put me right to sleep eh? It sounds really good though. I love eggs and bacon. There's nothing like freshly cooked chicken embryos and smoked, fried porcine shavings to get you going in the morning. A bowl of cereal just will not cover what I need. Neither will a bag of olives.  

Speaking of food, the Iowa State Fair is coming up next week. I am supposed to attend on the 13th with Jeffery's Angels. I think we will be short one Angel. We will see what happens. I wonder if they will have deep fried olives on a stick? There's a concept. I hope it has not come to that. I'm praying for a cool cloudy day on the 13th.

Time for a refill now as I commune with the Saints at Caribou. Hold the olives please.

Blog Statistics

My blog stats have been off the charts weird this week. It seems that there are certain subjects that can bring all sorts attention. I have been heavily scanned by Russian and US sources and they have been reaching far back into the archives of TDGH. Key words that seem to set off this avalanche of non reading hits seem to be "Trump", "Putin", "terrorism" and "ISIS". These sources do not seem to be nearly as interested in "Hillary" or "sin" or "self righteousness" or "Jesus". When you consider that I have only two subscribers and maybe 15 to 20 regular readers, this is a really odd week.


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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Apparently I'm Tired...

I usually know these things. I guess I have not been closely attending to my bodily needs, not to put too fine a point on it. Yesterday I felt like I was getting the flu. I was achy and sleepy all day. Then last night before bed, I thought I had a fever. I could not get warm even after I got under the covers. Then I fell into this deep paralytic sleep and dreamed I was sleeping outdoors with nothing but a blanket while raccoons and opossums annoyed me; it was like they were scratching me or something. I think it's because the dog was in bed with me. He just got a haircut and I think he was cold too. He looks kind of like a goat now, but I digress.

Anyway, I woke up at about 1230. I got up to pee. Us old guys have to do that. It has something to do with prostate enlargement. The poor thing never gets used anyway. It's probably the size of a grapefruit. Again, I digress.

After that, I returned to bed. I was having trouble getting back to sleep. I think I prayed a bit. I can usually depend on God to put me back to sleep. I think He tires of the annoyance. Then I dozed off again, I slept through my alarm right up to about 0815 AM today.

I feel refreshed, but I also feel like a bit of a layabout. I actually think I could have slept some more, but I didn't. I think I might be depressed. At this point in my life, I do not notice such things. It's weird how that works. Anyway, I feel pretty good right now. We will see how the rest of the day goes.

Take care and I love y'all.   

Monday, August 1, 2016

Understanding God...Like That Will Ever Happen

I really don't understand Him. He baffles me. He wants me to be be holy. He holds up the standard. Then He watches me struggle my way to victory or defeat; to congratulations or repentance.

Does He enjoy the process more than the product? Is bringing His children to full sanctification the great, divine pleasure that is above everything else for Him? I have to wonder.

Having never been a parent, I have not known the joys of raising up a child in the way he should go. I am thinking though, that this is what God is doing for His children as we go through this life. Like every parent, I suppose He wins some and He loses others. I also think that none of us will ever forget Him though we might fail to please Him. How could anyone turn their back on a Father that gave up His own Son for the sake of the other adopted children in the family? There are many that do not believe He even exists or that Jesus Christ is His Son. They believe His Words to be the product of men's imaginations, written only to control behavior. I cannot go there. I have known His love and I want more.

He told Isaiah this:

  Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
  Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
 Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
    declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I have known His love and I want more. So what is standing in my way? I must be able to sacrifice my short term and often destructive desires to that purpose. It is a hard thing. He knows this. He seems to enjoy the process where I, where we suffer, to seek His favor. 

I have asked Him, I have asked myself, is this not cruel in the extreme? I feel Him smiling at me. I hear Him say, "You'll get over it. Do what is right. I AM here".

"Well Jeff, you're just hearing voices, you're a religious extremist, you're nuts." I get this from unbelieving friends frequently. They want to know why I bother with the struggle. I have come to believe that in struggle there is truth and life and God. I am renewed by both victory and failure because He lives in me and makes that renewal happen. I have not just read about it. It happens to me on a daily basis. It is real and I cannot explain it in any satisfactory way other than I know I am His child and He will NEVER let me go. I would be miserable without Him anyway. 

So Lord, lets do another day. Please drive our mutual adversary back to the Pit. Let's have a day of victory. We can do it together. Just You and me. Thanks.   


Sunday, July 31, 2016

On Forgiving God

As most everyone is aware, Jesus was big on forgiveness. He wants to forgive us and He wants us to forgive each other. When Simon Peter asked Him how many times he should forgive his brother, Jesus was very direct. Matthew 18:21, 22 say,

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times."

Then in Luke 23:32-34, Luke writes,

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with Him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified Him, along with the criminals - one on His right, the other on His left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Jesus wanted us to forgive, even as He forgives. That's a tall order.

What Jesus never talks about though is forgiving God.

Blasphemy? Did you say that was blasphemy? Yes, I know. God is God. He does not sin. He is not capable of sin or sinning against anyone. Why would He need forgiveness, particularly from one of His creations?

Let me suggest that forgiveness may be required, even when sin is absent. Sin requires forgiveness, but so do misunderstandings, so do people that do the right thing though it may hurt others, so do people who act in ignorance.

Everyday, people are born into the world in various states of difficulty. Like Job, they seemingly suffer for no reason. Everyday natural disasters occur that wreak havoc on families and property. They destroy and they kill.

We sometimes ask, where was God? Where is God? Why does He not do something to stop all this needless suffering?

We do this because we do not understand. We do not get the bigger picture. We cannot see the forest for the trees. We do not have a God's eye view of the reality that He created and how it must work to achieve the maximum benefit. We are not God.

Our failure to fully grock His purpose will oft times make us angry or rebellious or worse, hopeless.

This is when we need to take advantage of what He taught us.

We need to forgive Him.

He is always faithful to forgive us. Why should we be so short sighted as to not accord Him the same privilege simply because we do not understand His purpose?

You may think I am way off base here, but I think there are many, both Christian and otherwise, that need to look to forgiving their creator for perceived injustices or bad creation management. Who are we to critique the Creator of the Universe?

We are in His hands, whether we realize it or not. We are His children. For the sake of family accord, let's forgive what we do not understand and move forward with Him. Someday we may know what we do not know now - or - better yet, we will not care.

Let's enjoy His love and deal with whatever reality we were dealt as best we can. When 'Forever' comes, I think we will all be glad we did.       

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Urban Dictionary Defines "Jeffery"

My thought here is that one should not use the Urban Dictionary when seeking a definition of one's name. I am shocked at what common parlance has relegated me to. "Jeffery" has almost become a swear word. I am really not any of the things below. You may have a different opinion.


Jeffery
A sweet, fuzzy, cuddly, bootylicious teddy bear.
Jeffery has a sweet booty!

Or

Jeffery
kind hearted spirit, who cares about all.
jeffery is someone thats sets something aside in order to help a friend.

Or

Jeffery
A player who likes to smoke weed and have sex a lot. He will be extremely nice until you fall for him then he will act like you never meant a thing to him.
Dude why are you being such a Jeffery?

Or

Jeffery
a drug cocktail in joint form consisting of, weed, angel dust, E, clorox, cocaine, and a few other choice ingredients.

Or

Jeffery
Another word for a 7 1/2 inch penis
Damn!! You got a Jeffery

Or

Jeffery
A romantic loose end that will negatively impact future relationships.

A social satellite that could re-enter your orbit as a dangerous asteroid at any moment.
So I was on a date, and that girl I had that awkward fling with was the bartender at the bar. She's such a Jeffery.

Or

Jeffery
the kind of guy to be cute and cuddly when he's drunk, but when he's sober he's a bastard that will never follow you back on twitter.
"don't be a jeffery right now"

Thursday, July 28, 2016

First Gay President?

James Buchanan was a one term President that served from 1857 to 1861. He was a confirmed politician and bachelor from Pennsylvania. He was briefly engaged to an heiress named Ann Coleman in 1819, but he appears to have been more interested in her money than her person. She committed suicide that same year. The thought of marriage to James must have been too depressing.

James Buchanan, left; J.R. King, right.


Fast forward to Washington.

Historian James W. Loewen has done extensive research into Buchanan’s personal life, and he’s convinced Buchanan was gay.
Loewen is the author of the acclaimed book “Lies Across America,” which examines how historical sites inaccurately portray figures and events in America’s past.
“I’m sure that Buchanan was gay,” Loewen said. “There is clear evidence that he was gay. And since I haven’t seen any evidence that he was heterosexual, I don’t believe he was bisexual.”
According to Loewen, Buchanan shared a residence with William Rufus King, a Democratic senator from Alabama, for several years in Washington, D.C.
Loewen said contemporary records indicate the two men were inseparable, and wags would refer to them as “the Siamese twins.”
Loewen also said Buchanan was “fairly open” about his relationship with King, causing some colleagues to view the men as a couple.
For example, Aaron Brown, a prominent Democrat, writing to Mrs. James K. Polk, referred to King as Buchanan’s “better half,” “his wife” and “Aunt Fancy … rigged out in her best clothes.”
In 1844, when King was appointed minister to France, he wrote Buchanan, “I am selfish enough to hope you will not be able to procure an associate who will cause you to feel no regret at our separation.”
Loewen also said a letter Buchanan wrote to a friend after King went to France shows the depth of his feeling for King.
“I am now solitary and alone, having no companion in the house with me,” Buchanan wrote. “I have gone a wooing to several gentlemen, but have not succeeded with any one of them. I feel that it is not good for man to be alone; and should not be astonished to find myself married to some old maid who can nurse me when I am sick provide good dinners for me when I am well, and not expect from me any very ardent or romantic affection.”

Wow. That's kind of telling. I guess there really is nothing new under the sun.

Observations

This observation came by way of my neighbor down the road...

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, it will be the first time in history that two Presidents have slept with each other...probably.

If Donald Trump is elected President, it will be the first time  in history that a billionaire moves into public housing that was recently vacated by a black family.

I'm telling you, whoever wins this, we are in for a long, strange trip. The immediate future is not bright.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Putin and The Donald...Could it Be Love?


According to Josh Marshall at TalkingPointsMemo.com :

Over the last year there has been a recurrent refrain about the seeming bromance between Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin. More seriously, but relatedly, many believe Trump is an admirer and would-be emulator of Putin's increasingly autocratic and illiberal rule. But there's quite a bit more to the story. At a minimum, Trump appears to have a deep financial dependence on Russian money from persons close to Putin. And this is matched to a conspicuous solicitousness to Russian foreign policy interests where they come into conflict with US policies which go back decades through administrations of both parties. There is also something between a non-trivial and a substantial amount of evidence suggesting Putin-backed financial support for Trump or a non-tacit alliance between the two men.

Looks like a real issue here. American banks shut off the cash to Donald, so he goes to the Russian oligarchs closely tied to Vlad for cash. It makes sense. It makes one heck of a campaign issue for HRC to work. Who owns Trump? We thought no one owned him. Seems the evil empire has their hooks in him.

Don't get me wrong. I have admired Putin for awhile. He is the only one truly fighting ISIS. He is also fighting illegal immigration.  Obama's phony war against terrorism has been useless and he could care less about the invasion taking place stateside. The Caucasian world is under attack from all sides in Europe and the US and Putin is the only one fighting back. We could use that kind of backbone here in the US.

Even so, historically, what has been good for Mother Russia has not necessarily been good for Uncle Sam. It worries me. I'm not happy that HRC is in bed with the neocons and their wars of aggression in the middle east either. The reason all these Muslims are leaving their countries for Europe and the US is because the USA has left their countries in a shambles. As a  former US Secretary of State, Hillary is responsible for much of that mayhem.

In terms of foreign relations, we are screwed whether we get Trump or Clinton. We can't vote against both of them...darn it. Whatever happens, it's gonna be a real mess. Fun times ahead.       

9

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Managing Expectations

There are at least a couple of Rolling Stones songs that I have always appreciated. 'Satisfaction' and 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' come to mind here. I used to joke that these would be sung at my funeral. If you are someone that is perennially disappointed with the state of things, you would appreciate the intent of this music. Buyer's remorse is a common affliction in a consumer society such as ours and then there is the disappointment that comes after plans or intentions go awry. This is the worst...except for... when people let us down or when we perceive that this has happened. The things we expect from each other and the things we actually do are many times very different or are perceived that way. Some of this comes from a failure to understand one another or even bad communication. Some of it is a result of how much we care about what is expected. Mostly though, I think we always expect more than others have to offer. This is a failure to manage expectations. One person does not get what he wants; he expected much more than was offered. The other did not understand what was expected and offered something less than what was desired or something that was not desired at all. And there are some, especially in leadership positions in our world, that use expectations to manipulate and motivate or create covetousness or desire to promote themselves.

What I am saying is that we have to manage our expectations. As Mick Jagger informed me many years ago, we cannot always get what we want. Satisfaction will be elusive unless we manage our expectations. We will constantly be disappointed in everything; people, products, friends, family or even life will seem unsatisfactory.

I tend to be an idealist about some things, particularly spiritual matters. I have a 'vision' about how things should be. I have been constructing it in my mind for decades. I have written about it, talked about it and even taught it. I am genuinely shocked when people I respect disagree with it and I begin to suspect that maybe they are not as spiritual or as knowledgeable as I thought they were. Then I get angry when they embrace part of what I teach them and then do something that I see as a complete contradiction to my 'vision'.  

I fail to manage my expectations. Sometimes my expectations are unreasonable. There is also the possibility that I may be wrong.; oh...that hurt.

My friends are not the way I want them to be. They are just the way the are, as God made them. Who am I to be dissatisfied or disappointed? Who am I to disrespect them because I feel let down over something that I should not have expected in the first place?

I hope you see where I am going with this. What we want, what we need and what we get are often three different things. We have to deal with it and not become despondent or angry or judgmental as we do that. Manage your expectations and your relationships. Do so in love. 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Withdrawal

It's an interesting word. It's what you do at a bank or it's when you're jones'n for another hit or it's when you deliberately separate yourself from from others. Context is everything when one is engaged in withdrawal.

My concern here is with the last definition. Withdrawal has always been what I do when I can't make life work. I separate from people and sometimes the people I need the most. It's never a pity party as you might think it would be. It is time to think, to re-access and to regroup. For me, it's time off from reality. Things happen in life that I do not understand or that I understand and get PO'd about. It's at this point that I become unpleasant. Ya, hard to believe, I know. Sometimes I overreact.

Late spring was like this for me. I had to run away for awhile. I'm still not quite right, but God has been watching over me through the process. I hope He will shake me loose from my mental stare here soon. He has sent a wide variety of people to my rescue me, or at least I have interpreted it that way.

I am at a point where I am deciding if I'm ready to rejoin the group or..or if I need to join another group. I might just need some more time in the desert too. The heat and severity of the desert often brings clarity.

Perhaps I should explain lest you think I'm being cryptic.

Is it time for me to resume my teaching career at church? A new quarter is approaching. Am I healed enough from my recent bout of apoplexy to serve without serving myself? The answer should be a 'no brainer' I suppose. For me, it's a confusion of fear and doubt with a major dose of pride and arrogance.

I'm still kind of crabby about things.

Then there is the withdrawal. This time, I mean I want another dose of what always and inevitably makes me feel so good. I just love teaching other Christians. The interaction of the classroom brings me joy like nothing else. I want it back.

Those who have a say in such things at church are ready I think. I guess I just have to figure out if I am ready.

Lord, I'm getting restless. I need you to help me get my groove back. There is stuff that needs doing and me doing it....right? Let me know in some way if You agree. Thanks for seeing me through this. I know I am one of your more difficult children. Please assign my stubborn heart a new task. I love you Lord. I look forward to hearing from You.                 

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Family Time

Yesterday my Mom's side of the family got together at the club house of Griff's RV park. My cousin Joe and his wife did the cooking. Ribs, hamburgers and hot dogs with an assortment of pies and cookies prepared by everyone else. The BBQ'd ribs were particularly good. They were smoky, spicy and sweet all at once. Delicious.  There was a good group gathered for a hot day in July. We used to do this in December, but it made no sense when the weather was so bad. So it was Christmas in July. My mom's sisters and brother are pictured below along with Dad on the left.
Dad with Uncle Mike, Aunt Bev, Aunt Mary Ann and Aunt Fran
There were many other assorted cousins, second cousins and even some 3rd cousins. None are pictured here. Sorry. I will try to do better next time. A fun time was had by all.