Jeffery's Angels

I had dinner tonight with my good friends, Karla and Rhonda and Billie. We have a past together. We all grew up in the same church. We know the same people and we are related to them in strange ways through blood and association. We talked about many of them. We all went to Johnny's Italian Steakhouse over by Bass Pro in Altoona. We dined alfresco by the lake which I found myself wanting to fish. I also wanted to troll the wait staff. There was a couple of cute ones, but I behaved myself  as always. I think one of them might have been Mr Right, but they were waaaaaaaaaaaaaay to young for me. Back to self control...now...I seem to digress....

 

Looks kind of like and old man and his daughters. I told the waiter I was Mormon and these were my wives. He laughed, probably because he needed the tip. Dinner was good. I had the Parmesan encrusted steak and shrimp with broccoli and a couple Fire Trucker IPA's to drink (brewed in Ankeny, Iowa).  Rhonda had the same with asparagus and ice tea. Karla had the prime rib and baked potato plus water with a lime wedge and Billie had some kind of pasta with salmon and a Blue Moon. It was a lot of fun. 

I think we are going to the Fair in August. I already can't remember the date. Fortunately Billie put it in my phone for me. I hope that getting old is going to be like this. They all promised to come to my funeral. They are my angels after all. 

There were a couple of Angels missing. You know who you are. Someday maybe all 5 of us? I don't know. I think we need matching T Shirts.  

One last pic of my sisters in Christ. Love and help in places I did not expect. Thank You all for being my friends. Maybe we can all gum down some cotton candy at the fair (;^)))))))))))))))))))))))) I love You!

 That waiter in back looked suspiciously like Clark Kent.

A Week of Weirdness

It's been an odd week. Aside from the holiday, I have had two people missing at work this week in addition to two we've been trying to replace for 7 months and then I had my melt down night before last as I slept. I am glad to report that I slept well last night. I am also looking forward to dinner with my peeps tonight. That should bring some cheer back to Jeffery's dull life. (I speak of him as if he were not here.)

Actually, I'm hoping that dinner tonight will be the start of something monthly. It should be fun. I will be the only guy. Three women and me. I think we should look to expand the group further. No other guys but me though OK? I want to be the harem eunuch...the odd man out. I usually am that anyway.

I have to go pick up a prescription for Dad here in a few, then I think I will go for a walk. If God is going to talk to me, that's when it usually happens. I need to hear from Him. I'm still feeling a bit lost. The light is getting dim. Going to church tomorrow should help too. Usually does. I am so grateful to have such a place. It has much potential to become even more special than it already is. It has changed much since my youth. It has become much more graceful and open, but there is also a commitment to truth that I dearly love. If you are a Christ seeker, it is a good place to be. It's a place where they will listen as well as advise. This is the part I love. I hope to be teaching again in the fall quarter if it's allowed. My summer off is proving to be fun too though. I've been making new friends. Ya, I thought that was amazing too.

I will try to get a pic or two of tonight's festivities for the blog. I will post it here with permission (or maybe I won't ask). Sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask permission.

One final note. I hope Eric and Melissa and Kiley and Tucker got moved to Joplin safely. I'm still not sure why anyone would move to Joplin, but apparently they know why, so may the Lord bless their efforts and their new home.

I'm in one of my "I love everybody" moods today. I never used to have those. The Lord is changing this old man's heart. I will blog you later!

I think I will name our little group this evening...how about Jeffery's Angels? No? Oh come on.       

Mr Right

James 1:2-5

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I don't know about the 'pure joy' part of this yet, but I can tell you that testing does produce perseverance. It can also create cynicism. Why so many tests, when will I be done, how much longer before I pass muster? It all seems like one life long test to me. 

Do you follow what I'm saying? Do you get what I'm puttin down?

Persevering can make you tired, but you dare not sleep. Even your dreams become tests. Wrestling with God and His supernatural opponent can just wear you out, especially when you are sleeping. You see, Mr Right entered my dreams last night. I did not recognize him, so apparently we have not met yet, but he was hot, he was nice to me. He liked me. We wrestled. It's my favorite thing. Damn. It's not fair.  I hope he is just a figment of my slumbering imagination and not a real man. I will fall hard. If he exists, I pray the Lord kill him before I meet him. Save both of us the pain. You know, it's one thing to tease me when I'm awake. I can deal with that, but where do you escape to when you're asleep? I woke up a wet, hot mess. It was over. I pray it never happens again. There was some joy in it, but it was of the earthly, fleeting variety. I best not discuss it. Rough night. It was like being a teenager all over again. I'm 58 and I still have all my kinks in place. My thorn in my flesh was briefly infected.     

Can anyone tell me when Satan will leave me alone forever? Do I have to be dead and in heaven for a week? Being old is supposed to insulate me right? It's not working. Please pray I get real sleep tonight. Lord, send an angel. Drive him away from me, my house, my family, my work and my Brothers and Sisters. Please no more tests for awhile. I am not up to it.    

Not Very Good At Being Gay - A Brief and Somewhat Cynical Synopsis.

I am not ashamed of this. You probably would not even figure it out right away unless you were like me - same sex attracted. I am not what many would classify as obvious. I suppose I do have certain 'tells', but unless you were paying attention, you would probably miss them. Other gay and same sex attracted people seem to catch it right away, but it's like they are not sure, so they don't bring it up or they do not want to discuss their own predilections, so why discuss it at all. Whatever.

I am not very good at being gay. I do not enjoy shopping, dancing, Judy Garland, high fashion or home decor. I could not decorate a grave appropriately. I dress comfortably, with absolutely no flair or coordination. I wish all my clothes were blue or black. Give me jeans and a tee shirt any day of the week.  And I  could care less about the latest pop stars. I do like show tunes, but I hate musicals. I am not what you'd call a gym bunny either. I am not obsessed with physical fitness. I really have no reason to stress about my looks. They are gone. No one looks at me anymore, except the occasional merry widow or divorcee that has not figured out that Jeff is not the man we thought he was. Go figure.

It all means nothing to me. I do not socialize outside of work or church with anyone that might be gay. There are some undeclared same sex attracted people at both places, and while we seem to know about each other, we don't care. I am the most boring gay man alive I think. I do not have gay sex. I do not have a boyfriend. I do not have sex at all. That definitely makes me the most boring gay man alive. Since about the age of 22 it has been this way with me. I'm almost 59 now, so you do the math.  This is not to say that I do not occasionally entertain the idea of finding a man about my age and settling down for those senior years. If I ever did such a thing, it would be a sexless, roommate kind of thing. A good friend for non physical entertainment and companionship. Finding such a man in my advanced years would be unlikely. Gay folks don't normally live this long. Besides, I currently live with an old man (my Dad) and it's not all it's cracked up to be. Just sayin'. 

Strangely, I am not as lonely now as I once was. I think age enters into it. Maturity. Enjoyment of solitude. I am also an introvert in most respects. Until recently, I have always been a very private person. Coming out at church changed that quite a bit. I have more friends now than I did previously. I'm not sure why. It might be that I feel more comfortable around people now that my secret has been told in such a public way. Whatever the case, my life is better than it was 8 months ago.    

Which brings me to this...

I seem to have girlfriends now and particularly at church and in the Christian world. There are women at church that never spoke to me until they learned I was a non-threatening male. Suddenly it was OK to talk to Jeff, to be his friend, to sit down over coffee and talk. I am OK with this. I like women. Some of my best friends have been and are women. They need to know right away though, I will not go shopping with them. If they're up to some fishing, that would be good. I would even go to a movie or dinner or both, but what you see is what you get. I am SSA. Short of a miracle, that will not change until I shuffle off this mortal coil to freedom. If I don't cut the cholesterol, that may be sooner than I think. Again, whatever...

Anyhow...in the gay world, gay men usually have a number of girlfriends. Call them what you like, in the gay world, they get branded as 'fag hags'. I kid you not. Some women will wear the tag like a badge of honor. Others are insulted by it and maybe they should be. I do not consider ANY of my women friends hags. I love you all for various reasons. Thanks for being there for me; helping me to get through this life with some company.

Most of the time, straight guys are wary to befriend a gay man, especially the older ones. I can deal with that. I understand. You think us SSA's look at you in the same you look at women...ya, you know what I'm talking about, and it disgusts you. It probably should, but most of us are not predators after straight men. Believe me, you are safe. The only thing that might make you unsafe is if you were not sure who you are. That might telegraph something else. Whatever the case, you will be safe around me. I am not interested. I know that's hard to believe. Trust me, I'm not. Old married guys are more boring than I am. Maybe that's a stereotype. I don't care.

Today, being gay is a younger man's job. Let me offer you young homos some advice. If you want to live to get old, you will need to stop 90% of what you are doing. That may be an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. If you're not going to give up the sex, at least protect yourself and quit sleeping around so much. No drugs. Moderate your alcohol use if you must drink at all. Settle down and get married...that's legal now. It's not got God's approval, but the state will OK it.

Surprised to hear me say that? Don't be. If someone is not a believer, who am I to deny them a legal choice? If they become a believer, we can deal with that at the appropriate time. We all make choices and we will all stand before the same God one day.

I'm not sure why I needed to talk about all this and I'm sure some of you are wondering too. I guess I will figure it all out later or someone else will tell me why. Y'all can be so helpful. In the meantime, enjoy the picture below in the spirit intended.

      

Rising Strong

     MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED

By Brene Brown

There is no greater threat to the critics

and cynics and fearmongers

Than those of us who are willing to fall

Because we have learned how to rise.

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;

We choose owning our stories of struggle,

Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free.

So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.

Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.

We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak,

Compassion from shame,

Grace from disappointment,

Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.

Story is our way home. Truth is our song.

We are the brave and brokenhearted.

We are rising strong

                                        

The Why of Suffering

⁵ Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God. (1 Cor 4:5)

¹⁸ For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. (2 Cor 10:18)

²⁹ No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a person’s praise is not from other people, but from God. (Romans 2:18)

⁴⁴ How can you believe since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? (John 5:44)

  ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-8)

You may think you suffer unnecessarily by circumstances you have no control over. You may feel cursed by God and unduly burdened by you life situation. You might even feel oppressed by what seems natural to you since resisting it is so hard. Let me offer another perspective.

You are being refined for Glory. You are being prepared for The Day. Try remembering this next time you whine to God about your plight and thank Him for His work in you. You are precious to Him and he wants nothing short of full restoration for you prior to your arrival before Him.

Seek His Glory in the midst of trial and temptation and even failure. It will prepare you. Let Him use these things to make you what was intended from the beginning. Praise His Name for the work He does in our lives. Amen.

Bob Newhart-Stop It

Duck Says...

Old and Gay and Christian

I never thought I'd see 59 years old, but it's coming up here in the fall. That's like 117 in gay years in case you didn't know. In terms of the One True Faith though, I'm just barely out of the womb; a babe in the arms of Jesus; a place I find safer than any place I have ever been. I'm His little brother you know. He adopted me when I was 14. The weird thing is that He took me in with full knowledge of who I would be, the things I would do and the places I would go. He loves me like no other has loved me. I do not know why and I used to wonder, but no more. He is my Lord, my God and my brother all at once. I think I could die for Him and not regret it. He has deepened my shallowness and my resolve. He has taken my stubbornness and turned it into something useful and He uses my desire to draw me closer. I would be utterly without hope or solace without Him. He is mine and I am His. Just let someone try to separate us. Not gonna happen.

I was gay before I was Christian. Even though I grew up in the church, becoming a believer was not automatic for me. There has always been the specter of rebellion in my life. I have always been self willed; one that does not submit easily to the authority of others and most especially when I believe they are wrong. It has always been my MO to couch my rebellion in what I think is righteousness, albeit self righteousness. One spends much time alone when this is one's attitude. Normal people draw away from you and the unrighteous just want to slug you. It is a strange mix for a  Christian man that is also SSA.

I used to think how odd it was that I should have in me this sense of self righteousness and also this same sex attraction. Then there is my faith. Even after I learned about the utter sinfulness of both attitudes and desires, I continued in my belief that Jesus is the Messiah.

I was (am) a bundle of contradictions. What I realize now - as Paul said - is that all these things are working to God's glory and ultimately mine. Only the utter sinfulness of my desires could temper my self righteousness. Only my faith would have made me able to see that. Only through the these three things working together would I learn compassion for others who struggle in this life.

And I'm sure some of you are thinking, "how is this tempering him? He still seems to be a mean, compassionless and aloof old codger."

There is an element of truth here, but it all would have been much worse were it not for Jesus. He is changing me even now.

Sometimes in our efforts to be compassionate and empathetic, we become door mats. We want to help people. There are those that think we should help them too. Sometimes the best help that you can give people is help they are not looking for. I have a fairly new 'friend' whose life is a mess. He is especially challenged financially, but he also struggles with SSA and anger about being SSA and depression and ADHD and..and..and.

His car got repossessed last week. Strangely, even though he had been avoiding me, he felt the need to contact me and apprise me of his situation. I found myself sympathizing with his plight, but I knew that sending him money was not the answer to his issues. He needed to step up and man up to his situation and deal with it responsibly. I did ask him how I could help short of sending him cash. Seems that nothing else was going to cut it. He was not interested in deepening a potential friendship. He needed money to solve his immediate issue. My thought was, "how many times have you been in this place and done this very thing?"

I refused to be his enabler.

I was not very nice about it. Some might say I was unnecessarily self righteous about the whole thing. Even so, he needed some truth. At his age (60), he needs to be living differently. His life is what it is because, like Blanche Du Bois, he has always been dependent on the kindness of strangers. My advice to him, since his work hours had been cut, was to take on a part time job.

After a day and a half of emails and texts, he told me to piss off in a most graphic way.

OK. I'm good with that. I wonder how long it will be before he is in this situation again. He told me that a 'friend' had given him the money he needed. I can't help wondering what he had to do for it.

I want to be beholden to no one except Jesus Christ. I do not want to be anyone's burden but His. Is there anything wrong with this attitude? Should I have given this 'friend' what he needed? Or was it just me being self righteous? I am still of the opinion that the only way to stop a behavior is to stop it. I know all too well how hard this can be to accomplish. I feel his pain, but I also know his lack of resolve and the intensity of mine. I am sure I was right in this. What do you think?  

July 4, 1966

It was a Monday. I was 9 years old and it was the 4th of July. I was where I had always been on the 4th; with my best buddy, my friend, my caretaker when Dennis and Laurie weren't there. I was with Grandpa.

Lloyd Brady was an interesting man. He was a Christian, a husband, a farmer, a church elder, a parent and a grandparent. He was a Republican and a trustee in Four Mile Township. He was also a bit of a child at heart which made him the perfect grandfather.

Every year he would take me to the 4th of July parade in Altoona, Iowa. Just me and Gramps. We would park and then walk what seemed like miles and then stand on the street in beautiful downtown Altoona as the flags, bands, American Legionnaires and Shriner's passed by. Candy would be handed out and the Shriners would arrive, befezed and in cars of the same make and color, normally convertibles. One year they all rode minibikes. Some on foot would have a small wagon in tow that had a cannon in it firing pop corn into the crowds. I always backed up on the sidewalk when that happened because the old maids would smart like a bee sting when they hit you. It was all controlled pandemonium. A good time was generally had by all.

After the parade, there was the picnic in the park. Hotdogs would be consumed. There would be much talking. Lloyd would talk to anybody and then talk about them afterward. It was always humorous. Once lunch was processed, we would head to the battleground. The fight was always interesting. Two fire departments (always Altoona and Mitchellville) would gather on the field of engagement; pumpers at the ready. A cable would be stretched between two poles diagonally across the field with a beer keg on a pulley suspended from it. Fire hoses would be connected to the pumpers and dragged out across the open lawnscape. The opposing firemen would man their hoses and then it would begin.

Using their hoses, they would aim the water spray at the beer keg in attempt to drive the keg into their opponent's territory and the end of the cable. This was an art form in many ways. A pumper truck would only hold so much water, so you had to control the spray and still achieve your goal before you ran out of water. Sometimes Altoona won. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes the firemen would get pissed off at each other. If your team was not winning, many times it would be necessary to hose down you opponents. All was fair in the battle of the keg. Even so, I don't think there was ever a fist fight. And the contents of the keg was later enjoyed by both teams.

After the keg wars, I would go back to the farm with Lloyd. There would be naps and supper (heavy on the sweetcorn) and then some fireworks. This last item was illegal in Iowa, but Gramps was regularly in Missouri and he would always pick some up at one of the border stores. There were never any big display items, but there were always bottle rockets and M-80's (which seemed more like dynamite) as well as the smaller firecrackers. It was fun. Lloyd knew how to entertain a grandchild. He also taught me much in regard to life in general. He taught me how to work, which might explain why I have never been unemployed. He was, to me, what the 4th of July is all about, being a free Christian, American in a dangerous world. I miss him.                

Andrew Peterson: "The Chasing Song" (Carried Along)

Dad is Foundered

I was trimming Dad's toenails this morning after a soak in the Dr. Scholl's foot tub. The soak softens them up and makes them easier to cut. It was a little like working on a neglected horse. Picture this, but as an old man instead of a horse.

This old horse probably needs a trip to the podiatrist.

Dad was definitely on his way to being foundered. He should probably be going to the podiatrist too. Toenail work is kind of gross when I have to do my own. His should probably be tended to by a professional. His toes are curled and bent with arthritis and that misshapes his toenails. It's all kind of gross and crumbly.   

Incongruity Defined

There are some things that just do not go together. Here might be two of them. I know He said,

  “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

But is this what He had in mind? I don't think so. 

240 Years

It's been 240 years since those middle class, white, mostly Christian, male colonists put their names to that traitorous document called "The Declaration of Independence" at the The Old State House (now Independence Hall) in Philadelphia. They were an eclectic group of free thinkers and Christians that were heavily influenced by enlightenment era European writers and philosophers. The Christians among them were a bit skeptical of enlightenment thinking as well they should have been, but the influence of human reason and logic over the affairs of men would rule the day and so they all signed this document of rebellion.

The notion that government exists at the the behest of the governed was a new one to be sure. Some saw this as at contractual matter that hearkened back to the the English Magna Carta. Others tried their best to make it a biblical idea. The first paragraph of the preamble to the Declatation says it all.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

When Jefferson wrote these words, he was doing his best to influence his Christian friends in the 2nd Continental Congress to sign on to this treason against George III. To do this, he had to make this rebellion against the King something that would seem OK with God in the eyes of the Christian colonist congressmen. Scripture expressly forbids rebellion against the ruling authorities (Romans 13, 1 Peter 2)  except under very specific circumstances, so it became necessary to portray the King as being in defiance of God. If the King was in rebellion against God, the Christian colonists would be justified in rebelling against the King.

To do this, Jefferson created a philosophy that all men are created equal and endowed with certain unalienable rights given by God. He drew heavily on enlightenment philosopher John Locke and the Bible for his logic. Supposedly, the 10 Commandments of the Hebrew Law given to Moses by God had, implicit in them, these inalienable rights. Jefferson had to turn these 10 regulations on their heads to get human rights out of them, but he did this nonetheless and with great effect.  

Jefferson's logic was that "thou shalt not kill" meant a right to life; "thou shalt not steal" meant a right to property and so on.

That this was never the intention of the Almighty, did not phase Jefferson. His purpose was to free the colonies from the tyranny of George III and England.

The 10 Commandments, in their context, were meant to outline responsibilities to God by His covenant people. We do not murder, because God gives life and takes it. We do not steal from our neighbor because God gave these things to our neighbor. We do not covet what our neighbor has because it was God that gave them what they have and so on.

The reality of it is that all of Jefferson's arguments for rebellion and independence were wrong.

We are not all created equal. We are not all endowed with unalienable rights by our Creator and we were not justified in rebellion against the King.

We are all different AND VIVA LA DIFFERENCE! Differently enabled, different levels of intelligence, talent, motivation etc. We are not all equal in any sense. We are not even equal before God.

We only have the rights we take and secure for ourselves and sometimes by force of arms. God does not give rights. He is no respecter of persons. Evidence for this is history itself. If these things were God given, no rebellion would have been necessary.

The hypocrisy laden in the Declaration is deep and thick. Most of those gathered in Philadelphia that day owned other human beings as slaves or indentured servants, not that there is anything wrong with that. What Jefferson really meant in that first paragraph of the preamble is that all white male property owners are created equal. That was not true either, but it got the attention of the colonists. It was enough to get a bunch of Christian men to rebel against their king.

The rest is history as they say. I would not be sitting here now typing this had they not done this deed or maybe I would be sitting here typing with a British accent or in French or Spanish. Who is to say?

I do think that God has blessed our nations efforts in some respects. We do try to right our wrongs after we commit them. Other times we just make a mess. Whatever the case, I am glad to be an American even though it takes second place to my citizenship in the Kingdom of God.  

I would close by saying, do not get all caught up in patriotism like it was some sort of divine calling. It's not. Nations come and go. What the future holds for the US is anyone's guess. I'm guessing civil war and the break up of the union. We will see. I will probably be dead when it happens. Just remember:

This world is not our home
We are just a passin thru
Our treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
Jesus beckons us from heavens open door
And we can't feel at home in this world anymore.

See ya in church!   

About Rich Mullins...

Some have wondered if I have an obsession about Rich Mullins since I post so much of his music here. The answer to that is a complicated yes and no. If I'm honest, his voice is not that good and the actual music is mediocre. It's the words. The man was a poet. I find his words honest, refreshing and in some cases, matching where I have been in my Christian walk.

His words touch me like scripture touches me; they are pregnant with meaning for me and my life. Not every song he wrote effects me like this. I do have my favorites though and you have seen those here. He was quite the wordsmith.

I hope that answers any question you might have had.  

  

Rich Mullins - The Color Green

Washed and Waiting

I've been reading "Washed and Waiting" by Wesley Hill. It's a tough read for me because I identify with so many of the things he says in his book about his early life and trying to live as a celibate gay Christian. His attitude was much better than mine when he was younger and he understood early on that you should not isolate yourself; some wisdom that I would have done well to heed. Even so, it is a painful read. I'm sort of having flashbacks. He was never angry; just sad and sometimes without hope. I was pissed off about the whole thing. It was a great wall of separation between God and myself that, thankfully, He is now tearing down. I say "thankfully" even though I spent so much time building it.

At one of his low points, when Wes was still living in the midwest, he went back to Wheaton College where he had earned his degree, to get the counsel of an old friend. His friend told him,

"Origen, the great Christian theologian of the early church, believed that our souls existed with God before we were born. What if he was right? I don't believe he was, but imagine for a moment if he were. Imagine yourself standing in the presence of God, looking down from heaven on the earthly life you are about to be born into, and God says to you, 'Wes, I'm going to send you into the world for sixty or seventy or eighty years. It will be hard. In fact, it will be more painful and confusing and distressing than you can now imagine. You will have a thorn in your flesh, a homosexual orientation that is the result of entering a world that sin and death has broken, and you may wrestle with it all your life. But I will be with you. I will be watching every step you take, guiding you by my Spirit, supplying you with grace sufficient for each day. And at the end of your journey, you will see My face again, and the joy we share then will be born out of the agonies you faithfully endured by the power I gave you. And no one will take that joy away - that solid resurrection joy, which, if you experienced it now, would crush you with it's weight - away from you."

Then his friend asks Wes,

"Wouldn't you say yes to such a journey if you had had such a conversation with God?"

As I read this, I began to weep. There was this deep mournful cry in my soul over how I had treated my heavenly Father as He walked with me all those years ago without my recognition of His presence and power.

And how would I answer the friend's question? 

I joked with a friend recently about being in line in heaven just prior to birth only to learn it was the gay line and saying, "I thought it was the glad line".

All joking aside, would I say yes? I think so.

Lord, I love you. Thanks Lord for even this. It is what it is. An atheist once said, "what does not kill you will make you stronger." I guess he inadvertently stumbled onto the truth. You are a wonderment to me. Your ways confuse me. They always have. Even so, I am looking forward to the joy. It's so close. I can almost feel it now. Thank You!          

  

Aha Moments

We all have them. Sometimes they become turning points in our lives. They usually happen after you think you have everything all figured out, then suddenly you know you don't, and it changes everything. When you have these moments late in life, they can be genuine crisis points, but you can rest knowing that you will not die without grasping and sharing the whole truth.

Those 'aha' moments can bring purpose to the last years of life. Rather than frittering away in front of a TV, letting CNN or Fox dictate your opinions, you can act on what you've learned, and become useful, waking people up to this new knowledge, whatever it is.

The Gary Larson "Far Side" cartoon above illustrates the 'aha' moment concept very well.

The day we become self aware and able to reason and even sense the spiritual movement of things in our environments is a glorious day indeed. It's a bit worrisome too because you know that the time is short. You have a limited time to act on what you know, what you've learned. If you want to change the paradigm for everyone else before you go, you have to act swiftly and maybe even have someone waiting in the wings to finish the job. 'Now' becomes the most important time because there may not be a 'later'. So...to all my friends I would say this..

"Hey, wait a minute! This is grass. We've been eating grass."

That's right. We can do better than that. There's some lovely corn on the other side of the fence and beyond that there is so much more. We just have to reach out and take it. Don't worry about the farmers. We outnumber them and we outweigh them. Let us make their carnivorous behavior a challenge. Contentment is not found in pastures.  

Sheep or Saints; Herd Animals or a Royal Priesthood?

The references are more than numerous in both testaments. God's people, be they Hebrew or Christian, regularly get compared to a flock of sheep. Their leadership are regularly called shepherds. There are many reasons for this. People and sheep have much in common.

Sheep are stupid.
Sheep have herd instincts that can bring disaster if not managed by the shepherd.
Sheep stink.
Sheep are dependent.
Sheep get sick and die easily.
Sheep are a great source of wealth.
Sheep can get themselves in trouble easily.

And some say that sheep, and particularly lambs, were created by God for sacrifice as needed.

Shepherds were charged with the care and feeding of the sheep. The rod or staff were for gentle correction and leading of the flock. The shepherd's work was peaceful and pastoral, but it also involved protection of the flock from predators and thieves. A good shepherd would know his sheep. They may look all the same to us, but to the shepherd they are as individual as you and me. To be a shepherd, you have to know and love your sheep.

Christ is the Good Shepherd of His people, the church. You may recall, at the close of the gospel of John, Jesus reinstates Peter after his night of denial and fear. He tells Peter three times, "if you love me, feed my sheep." It was a not so veiled reference to the coming Church. Big changes were coming for Peter and the boys and they had to get their acts together. God was about to take for Himself a new flock that would one day encompass the whole earth. Why one would entrust a group of fisherman, tax collectors and nere-do-wells for this task is beyond me, but it worked out.

The analogy of the sheep and shepherd(s) is a good one for the the church, but it falls short if Christ's vision for the Church is ever going to be realized to any degree. You see, in the Church, the shepherds have a much more complex job. Being a shepherd in God's Church is more than watching over a group of dumb animals unless that's what you turn it into. What's more, the shepherds in God's Church were not born shepherds - they used to be sheep. Which begs the question, "How the heck did that happen?"

Paul says this in Ephesians 4:11-16,

¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

There is much more than proper animal husbandry going on here. Our jobs as pastors and teachers in the church is much more complex than making sure the herd stays in the pasture and the predators are at bay. We have to teach and train our sheep. We have to teach and train them so they can become us and much more, so they can become like Christ. This is a duty passing sacred and holy and for which, if we do not do it correctly, we will have to answer to the Chief Shepherd. It's a big deal!

Peter gives us more evidence about who we are in Christ and what we are to become and it is much more than a herd of woolly, stinky, stupid mammals. I Peter 2:9,10:

⁹ But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. ¹⁰ Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Again, this is a big deal. How do you turn herd animals into a royal priesthood - a kingdom of priests? Presumably, our task is to facilitate Christ, taking them from being sheep to being priests - quite a transformation. We serve to turn lambs into a holy nation - God's special possession. 

Did you get that last bit, you pastors and teachers? They are not our lambs! They belong to Yahweh and they are a rare and special possession that He cherishes. A Holy Nation!

Do you understand the gravity of the work we are charged with? What did John say in Revelation 1?

  

To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, ⁶ and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.

To this I say, let us not take our work lightly. It is a gravely serious responsibility. Get to know your sheep. Learn who they are and love them. Train them. Teach them. Someday they will have to be priests (and pastors and teachers). 

Sunday

It was a good Lord's Day. Something has happened to me. I think I just came out of another closet. I felt social, emotional, loving and connected. Recent events have turned me out, turned me up and tuned me in. I am loving life and I don't think it has anything to do with bi polar disorder :^)

I took the summer off from teaching at church. My original motivation for this was negative, but the Lord seems to be turning my motivations inside out. Being out of my class room and among the brethren has been good. It started with attending youth choir tour for two weeks and it ended up with me attending the Women's Sunday School class today. Excellent teacher BTW...just saying. The class is perfect for me. It's about being alone. I am an expert in some regards in this area and I have much to learn in others. The women's perspective adds to my understanding of the subject matter.

I thought at first I might put them off, being a man and all, but as we all know, I am no ordinary man. I find myself understanding my sisters in new ways. I hope they will let me stay. No one seemed concerned that there was a boy in the room. I guess a man can share the women's room without a major crisis developing :^)

Later I went to my shepherding group. It was a good time with people in my age group, and wonder of wonders, I had a good time, I was conversational, the food was great and the weather was pleasant. I had a good time with people I love.

I tell you, something is happening to me. I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. The ladies have an expression, "I feel empowered". That would be it.

At this rate, there may actually be people at my funeral! Ha! Who would have thought?

Time for bed....nighty night.

Ghog Out!