When I worked in Cedar Rapids, there was a driver that, when confronted with his performance issues, would say to me, "sorry, your what hurts?" I think it was his way of saying that I seemed to be on the rag.
There are days when I do want to lash out at certain people and I look for reasons to do so. I would like to think I never did that at work. I know I have done it in my personal life. To all of you, I apologize. I repent. I am sorry for separating you from the herd for special treatment. It's cruel and unconscionable. I am without excuse.
Others of you get silence, even when you try to engender conversation. Again, I am sorry. Please be content knowing that I kept my mouth shut. It's not that I don't like you. I probably don't even know you. This usually happens when there is just something about you that I just can't deal with. The problem is mine and not yours (of course).
Forcing the issue has worked for some, but what usually happens is that you will end up in the first camp so you might want to leave it alone.
It all has to do with a mixed bag of mostly pride, judgementalism and insecurity. I am not sure how I got to that last one with the first two, but they do all seem to work together to defeat any civility that I might display. Again, I apologize. I can only hope that the Lord fixes me before death.
My mind and spirit are just not right. I found myself wishing today for more misery on someone that was already struggling. I felt no pity for this individual. I just glared at him. I'm always wanting to share my pain with others, so why do I act this way? I just want to complete his misery for him. You would never know that I had been in church today or communed with Jesus. This kind of thing just comes outta the blue with me. Suddenly I am hateful and angry and I have no place to dump it. Thankfully, I did not share my wishes with the individual. Of course I didn't. I do not talk to him.
On a higher note, I did have a relaxing talk with an old friend this morning. It was an opportunity to spill some of my lesser ailments. Purging helps make the stuff above go away. I become tolerant and tolerable for awhile. Enough so that I feel guilty about the above behaviors. It gives me hope that one day I will be a real human being and not such a dick.
But I digress.
I think I need to get back into the Word more deeply. I seem to be better behaved when I have a class to teach. I think it's because I quit focusing on myself as much. This may be the ultimate cure to what ails me. Maybe I need to volunteer full time at an AIDS clinic or something; learn a little sympathy and empathy and service and humanity. Can those things be learned? It might be a stretch for me.
So far, my Sunday has sucked. Quite a turn around from last week. Tomorrow I will be able to bury myself in work. Very little of any of this had to do with church. It's just me. Give me a few minutes. I'm sure it will change into something else.
Note to self....work on stability.
How is your day going?