Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Unfinished Business

Relationship and and even friendship are weird things for me. I know many of you, even most of you do those things well and with an ease and confidence that comes from years of healthy interaction with others. Not so with me. It's work for me and I think that because I am work for others. It takes two people to create a relationship or friendship. It requires sharing commonality and difference. It takes patience and endurance. No one is the friend you want them to be and this is probably good because friendship would be so boring without some drama and some displeasure.

With all that said, I believe it is really hard for others to be my friend. I am a weird mix of personality bends and turns that you do not often see in one human being. I am loyal, I can love, I can help. I have been dependable in the few actual relationships I have had. But I am also opinionated, a bit stiff from time to time, somewhat withdrawn even now and sometimes I can just be an outright bitch to people I love as well as others I do not even know.

There have been the few and the brave willing to endure that because they saw something in me that was worth loving and coming to know. If I had an award I could grant, I would give it to you all. I need y'all and I do not know what I would do without you. Many of you have been with me steadily since I started my journey toward becoming a real boy (to quote Pinocchio). At 59 it's a bit late for that, but I needed to get it over with before I died.

In that journey, I have hurt many people that have tried to be my friend. I apparently did that a couple of weeks ago again for the umpteenth time. She had all she could stand and so she walked. For what it's worth, I am OK with that. I understand. Though we have known each other for decades, I am, really an acquired taste that sometimes one will develop a distaste for over time. So be it. I wish her well in all her endeavors. We have a history together that few others would appreciate. I am sure she will always remember it even if it's an angry recollection. I still love her, but I believe it's best we be apart. For now. 

There are others I have hurt right out of the box from our first brief introductory moments. I can think of one young man in particular that pursued me for friendship that I rebuffed several times. The last time we encountered each other one on one, I just walked away. That was maybe three years ago. The place was a public restroom and we were the only ones present. My experience in such places is that men do not talk to each other. He talked to me. Not a crime, but not ordinary public restroom behavior either from my perspective.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I have been 'hit on' more than a few times in such places and I was a bit scared and bewildered. Aside from the fact that I do not make friends easily, I made the assumption that this was what was happening. Again, in my defense, I was scared and bewildered.  I had what I thought were legitimate reasons at the time for walking away. I will not go further with that except to say, that I no longer believe in the legitimacy of those reasons. I do not now believe there was any vile intention. I wish I could fix this. I probably can. We see each other once a week at the same place, though I am sure he is loathe to admit my presence. I am not sure he wants to repair things at this point. Who could blame him? I might yet try. If I get stepped on, I probably have it coming right? If I'm going to be a real, live human being, that's gonna happen, even when it's not my fault. I will just have to deal with the outcome. I am not sure how to do this. Should it be public or private? I don't know. I do know it should not be in the restroom.

I guess my sense of humor is still intact.

There are all kinds of things I could blame my bad behavior on including being a red headed, only child, closet case for decades, but really, it comes down to one thing. I do not love unconditionally as Jesus does. I tend to judge. I assume certain behaviors translate to bad intent. Sometimes that is actually true. Most of the time it is not.  I am always looking at motivations behind actions, especially when people are trying to befriend me.

You know what? Sometimes people don't want anything except to get to know me. Why am I so amazed by that? It might be that I bore myself and I can't imagine why anyone would be interested in that. Whatever. 

My mind is a weird place. I am always on the edge in there because of all the fighting that goes on. It's a wonder my brain is not worn out. It's never quiet in there, even when I am asleep. Last night I dreamed again that raccoons were nibbling me to death. What is that about? I don't know. 

So there it is. Bear with me as I move forward in my life experiment in becoming a human being.

Enough. The deceased equine has been thoroughly assaulted. I am outta here.