Sunday, December 6, 2015

Advice to Parents of Same Sex Attracted Children

When I was 12, I would not have discussed what I was feeling sexually with my parents, but that was in 1969. Life was different then. The church was a different place. I would not even have discussed SSA with my parents at the age of 20. Mine was a Christian home and while I knew that they loved me, my perception was that even feeling such things would get me thrown out of the house and the church. That may not have been the case, but there was certainly a air of conditional love when it came to such things. But I digress.

The things that parents and children discuss today are all over the board and nothing is off the board. If your child or young adult confesses to you that they think they are gay or lesbian or same sex attracted, then you have certain responsibilities that you must observe. Love them. Accept them. Do not approve of the sexual behavior. Indeed, there may be no actual behavior to disapprove of. This is why you love them and endeavor to stay in their lives. Never let them forget where they came from and that, whatever else happens, you and Jesus still love them. Lives and life circumstances change. People change their minds. People change. Some things like love of Jesus, family and church can override a desire for sinful things. It happens. Pray, love and accept. Let Jesus do whatever else may be needed.

What you want to avoid are angry, divisive conversations that will separate you from the one you love. This is no time for conditional love on either side of the discussion. Do not burn bridges. Always leave the door open.

Many times we look for someone to blame. Parents will doubt their parenting skills. The SSA young person might blame them or even God for what they perceive they are becoming. This needs to be minimized or put off the table completely. No one knows why any one is gay. At the point where it is being talked about, it's really not relevant anymore. Everyone just needs to start the conversation where they are at. It is no time for recriminations.

You say, "but what if they choose to live gay?" I would say first, this may not be a forever type decision. It is possible to turn back. It is possible to decide to live celibate. It is even possible to explore heterosexual marriage. NEVER close the door to any possibilities.

Second, if they do not do those things, love them anyway. Do what Jesus would do. Pray, love and accept them as your children and as people that Christ loves. Let Jesus handle it once your possibilities are exhausted.

People make choices. Some of those choices are bad and some are downright self destructive. That can be minimized with love.   

Gaydar Is Often Wrong....

Seriously. No matter how sensitive you think you are to such things, you will be wrong at least 70% of the time. This is of course my opinion. I will tell you why in just a minute, suffice it to say any number of witch hunts and false outings have been caused by straight people that think they have gaydar.

Y'all need to knock it off. Do not be speculating about people's sexuality based on mannerisms or the sound of their voices or even how they choose to dress.

I would go so far as to say that, even if you are getting a very strong vibe, do not believe it.  There are those that try it early on, but they do not follow through with the rest of their lives. They learn this is not what they want and pursue the opposite sex for love and marriage.

I have known many effeminate men that I was certain were gay and they turned out to be lifelong heterosexuals that that never had a gay urge in their lives. Loving wife; lots of children. I would say the same about women that might seem more masculine than might be considered normal. Most of these women are crazy about men and that's why they join in the sports play and so on.

You think you know? I would bet we could spend a week together and you would not figure out I was a same sex attracted person. You might think I was a nerd or some kind of weird academic, but I do not think you would figure out I was SSA without help from me.

And this brings me to my last subject. Do not out people. Whether you are gay or straight, do not do it. If someone wants to talk about their sexuality in a public way, please leave it to them. It is a personal matter. If they need to speak out, they will. They need no help from the cheap seats.

From my point of view, I have come to believe it needs to be known for accountability and to build transparent relationships. Others may not be there yet and if they are young, they might like to be left alone to decide what to do.

When I was 21 I would not have even engaged in this present discussion and I was a liberal back in those days. It was 1978. I guess that might have had something to do with it, but talking about it at any age is an extremely personal decision. So I would say, if it is not a major part of your life anyway, some might want to just leave it alone. And that is as it should be.

Some might ask if this is a Christian position. I have to say yes. If someone is comfortable with their secret and it does not inhibit them in their relationship building or their relationship with the Lord, then they should stay where they are the most comfortable.

Someone might say, "I'm certain that John Doe is gay. The church needs to know."

Silly rabbit. Why does anyone need to know? The only ONLY justification I can think of for outing someone is if they are some kind of sexual predator. Otherwise leave it alone.

Joe Christian might say, "I know John Doe is gay and sexually active and he's still in the church". Well, OK. If you know there is sin in John Doe's life, do you not have a responsibility to approach him about it and talk to him? Is it your job to talk to everyone except him about it? And what if these things you are so certain of are wrong? Is it right to destroy a reputation based on what you perceive as good intentions?

Get a life people. It seems simple to say but, WWJD! Really. How would Jesus handle this situation? Would He start a whispering campaign? I'm thinking not.

Grace and Truth people! Be gentle and firm. Be sure of your "facts". Do all this out of love and not hate or fear.

In the meantime. Give up on the gaydar. You ain't got it.

The Ground Hog has spoken!