It's confession time. I have eluded to these issues in the past and it's time for me to come clean, to repent and to put it behind me. It will be hard since I have practiced these sins all my life. They seem like a natural part of me, but they must die.
I am a proud, arrogant, judgmental and self righteous man. If you have ever had to suffer this from me, then I apologize right here and now. I have always been able to see and even point out these sins in others, but if I take a long, hard look in my spiritual mirror, there is a prideful man looking back at me.
If I have ever walked away from you when you tried to speak to me or engage me in conversation, I am deeply sorry. It has much to do with my own insecurities and nothing to do with you. If I have made you angry or hurt you because of my unwillingness to be a real friend, I would like to repent of that too.
I should not judge people and especially those I do not know or have not bothered to get to know. I should take the time to know them. And I should offer them and myself some grace. The ability to come alongside of people in empathy and love and maybe with some helpful advice has eluded me for too long. I have to learn how to do this. Many have extended me just such a privilege. It might be time for me to start returning the favor. I need to learn how to minister to the needs of others. I am good at sharing my knowledge base with them. I am not so good with sharing compassion and kindness and understanding with them.
I am able to love, but I do not do it or express it. I do have feelings and emotions, but I fear the relationships and where all that will take me and so I put on this facade that people seem to accept.
"Ya, he knows his stuff, but he seems to have walls." "He is a good teacher, but he never takes what he knows outside the classroom to practice."
This has to stop. I do not want to be like the Pharisees or the teachers of the law in Christ's time. I want to be like Jesus. I know we Christians say that all the time and never quite seem to live up to it, but I could at least do better than I am doing.
Self righteousness is seldom a good thing unless you are truly righteous, in which case you most certainly got that from God and not self. Whatever is good in me, what ever is pure and holy, came from my Lord. There is not much of it, but it is there. It's my prayer that He builds on that base and finishes my spiritual construction before I die. I hope we have some time to work things out. Only He would know that.
Lord, I love you. Please forgive me for being as I have been. Please use Your Spirit and the power of your Word in my life to change me. Help me to learn the empathy, love and grace that You and others show me on a daily basis. Please do not let me leave this world unfinished and please forgive me this grievous sin...In your Name I pray these things. Amen
Some day we will talk about my greatest temptation, my thorn in the flesh and how it has convicted me of what I was just writing about. That day is not today. I love you. Thanks for reading.